July 2025
June 2025
My First love will always be a topic for several reasons; almost every disfunction I have and can think of show'd up in my behavior around my first love; hundreds of them. By working things out concerning my first love; Im actually working my problems out; and this will affect how I am today. By examining what happened with my first love; Im examining the problems I have right now today and how to solve them( they are transferable). By understanding what happened with my first love; Im understanding what im repeating today in terms of dysfunctional behavior that affect me today.
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The importance of my first love; SOLUTIONS>
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My experiences with my first love warrant solutions; the best words and phrasing to describe my interest in my first love is. (Finding solutions for dysfunctional behavior). And when I work with the universe concerning this dysfunctional behavior; my intent is solutions to this behavior; by doing this Im directly finding solutions to my present dysfunctional behavior; not just the past. Just investigate any dysfunctional situation with my first love; and then solving it; Ive solved something that directly is causing problems for me in todays life right now. That is why she is so important or the investigation of my rituals and behavior surrounding her at that time are so important. Also; she is a representative of past relationship before I met her. She is an example of everything that went wrong and was going to go wrong from the beginning of my life; all of the dysfunctions dealing with people and places and things. She is a representative of future relationships after her; years and years of them; all dysfunctional; all can be traced back to my behavior with my first love. She is a well spring of information and representation of my dysfunctional behavior.. Because I can see my dysfunctional behavior so clearly while associating with here; this information is easy to work with; information in order to find solutions. Its easy to know what general direction to go for a solution because the information is enriched and clear and understood when I look back at my interactions with my first love. I have directional visuals of what I did wrong when around my first love. Thus; I can work on that dysfunction over n over n over dissecting it until the base dysfunctions appear; Thus creating the direction for solutions.
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For example; I did not communicate with her and this destroyed everything. Simple concept; However; the in ability to communicate will take me over completely and ruin my life in all directions and for much of my life. So; its easy for me at this time to hone in on specific moments of non communication with her; how I looked and acted and what I felt around her; I see it clearly and feel it in my mind. I can see the damage it caused; I can see what I need to cure...I feel the sharp pain; the consequences of my actions very clearly. Thus I know a very good general direction for solutions. I know what I dont want to repeat.
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Beginning directions for a Solution;
I take it to the meetings i go to.. recovery meetings and I take it to the universe for help. And help shows up in the form of techniques that strengthen down a pathway that leads to more solutions...
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FIRST LOVE: NEW INFORMATION: A NEWER VIEW>
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Will this view stay solid? Probably not. Its all part of a bigger picture... However, this general concept might stay...
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Here is the newest theory for my first love and what went wrong.
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My first love tried to make me her friend; she offered me friendship.
My first love loved me and wanted to give that to me; she offered me love.
My first love tried to get intimate with me physically; she offered physical intimacy
My first love offered me a relationship; she basically came out and hinted over n over for me to admit I liked her and to ask for a relationship...
She did everything she could and everything deemed correctly in the eyes of GOd to offer me herself.
I did not take it. Altho I wanted her more than she wanted me. I did not take her love or her. And she was sent by God to be my wife... My long standing life long wife GOd sent me.
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She did everything right in the eyes of GOd; Everything. Everything; she completely took numerous chances to offer everything to me of herself. She was a good person....
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She must have been devastated over n over n over by my rejections... I was in a state of shock and survival mode and seemed to have switched personalities because of the trauma I just experienced from the house I lived in down the street. I was in a morbid state of shock and paranoid against all people at this point. I was completely trauma bonded; learned helplessness and couldn't speak.
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So; I turned on her.... took the opposite view.. Completely insane. And I left... I left her. I felt I had to get out of the area..
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I never completed anything with here. I never really started anything with here. And I left before anything could happen... I just left her.. I can see Christ just silently looking down at her and then slowly looking over at me; wondering; " What did omnicell justs do"?
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NOTE: God set this up; God found us.. put us together as we had asked him for. And a union was being created by GOd. And I pulled away from it and left her and I left God. And I will pay for such things for tearing out what God had created. I will be brought to my knees and turned into an animal and I will forget who I am and I will wander the earth aimlessly for a long long time until help is brought near to me.
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I was alone emotionally and psychologically and in no way did I have the ability to stand up for myself. I went into freeze mode every time she tried to initiate a relationship. My past had everything to do with this and having no support or psychologists or counselors or family for support or to work through things or get feedback... I could not get feed back from her because I could not talk to her about it because opening up about it was just as impossible... So; I was completely stuck. She had no idea who I was or what was going on or why I was not responding to her. She did not know me well enough yet!
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ITs very possible that she was the girl God sent to help me... And is more then likely she was that girl; and was to be my wife! its 100% probable... She was to be my wife.
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SO>
STOP!
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So; if i stop their. And I work a 4th step on this; meaning a fearless moral inventory of what happened to me that would cause me to freeze up and stop everything; and not talk or work things out or express myself. If I stop here and use the 12 step system's 4th step and only look at my role in this; what am I doing to cause this; what on my side of the street is causing me or keeping me from sharing my real feelings; Never bringing her name up again; only my own. only my past. Only my experiences to find out what was wrong with me and how to solve it; If I can do this; I will find answers to these problems. My problems of not being able to communicate.
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I have done some work and the universe is helping me gather techniques that are helping me understand what happened to me in the past that kept me from speaking to her or having a voice in the world... And as I practice re hab for my identity strengthening. More n more answers are showing up that specify the problem and thus create a good path for a solution and some beginning processes for a solution are also appearing; Im beginning to understand why I could not respond to anyone and how I might change that; and how to practice solutions for that change...
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Im sure I will dig up new things later and turn back on her and claim Im the victim for awhile. However, this might be a stopping point for me for some things... meaning; she proved she wanted a relationship with me and Im the one who threw it away. Technically; I may have to stop their; Gods orders.
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Yes; Ill keep bringing up different views to get steam out; anger rage hatred hurt and so fourth; but the real truth might stop at; ( I was offered a relationship and I didnt take it).
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God finally pulled me away from my first love and set me down in a corner where i could not hurt anyone anymore and I just waited it out...
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Unfortunately; my time for my first love had come to an end; She was gone... I was destroyed.
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Im mad she didnt try harder; but then Im actually mad at myself because I had to give her something to work with; anything... and I didnt; thus; she is off the hook. She owes me nothing... I did not respond to her several times; after awhile she stopped trying; everything went silent and she was gone. And I just left and moved on... I never saw her again...
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Instead; I go back to GOd concerning my dysfunction and start over with God again working on solutions to my dysfunctions...
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I do not want to repeat this anymore; this lack of non expression when I want into a relationship; If Im scared of being in a relationship; I want to tell the other person... and work it out with them; ive not had the ability to do this; feel worthy enough to be in a relationship; I see this going back to the brainwashing abuse of my mother; starting at the first day of my life.
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Good place to end this blog for now...
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