July 2025
June 2025
RELATIONSHIPS;
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My first inclusion with women in 45 years....
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Im starting to wake up...
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Women are a hands on action thing. THey are a real thing; a participation thing; an action thing. A man has to show action... its an action thing. THis does not sit well with people who are ill from trauma mental conditions. So; the best thing is to work with The universe until one is well enough; getting the help they need.
NOTE: As fare as women are concerned; I have no idea what Im doing!
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Im starting to wake up; I cant explain it; Ive had some actions with women. Women are fiesty. They are like pink elastic clay that is tightly nit'd together... They are an action interaction thing. One has to banter with them; one has to talk with them take chances with them; they live in the real world.
A man must take some forms of action. And many forms of actions to find himself around them and the right ones. ANd take action to find out who is the right ones; its all living; a person with PTSD problems; you have my deepest sympathies if one is going to pursue women; nothing could be more " in the real world". The same world with monsters and fire breathing dragons; the same world houses women. IF you have PTSD and have to interact with women; you have my deepest sympathies; so many interactions that trigger PTSD; I wouldnt have a clue where Im at after a half hour of dealing with a women; id be so over the top with so many different life times playing out all over the place.
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I am learning about women; AGain! I forget.
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IVe been in these situations the universe is showing me.
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Ive been in the dissociative de realizated place; like looking through a glass coke bottle all my life into the world. As if I was in doors never contacting or interacting with anything.
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When outside; it was if I was watching a television screen while I was talking to someone 2 feet away; I could interact with them for 10 years and have no interaction and learn nothing or beware of any kind of human feeling given n take awakening of feelings. No feeling....
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Generally I would treat people as if I was in an army and they were the enemy but had the right to cross close to my pathway... even if I talked with them; I would not be present emotionally... Like a glass wall between us.
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Lately; things have been changing because Ive asked the universe to change things concerning women and slowly I am emotionally waking up; its as if Im 14 again; literally; My emotions; Like; I get to do this again.
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Its in sporadic spurts. Im suddenly jolted forward onto someone; in their space; in front of them... Something. And I suddenly find myself aware... Im looking at them; not ignoring them as usual...
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Its all very painful; its also exciting and exhilarating. Real. Its like being hurled like a tennis ball.
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Attraction;
I was to hand over a document to a women I know; I received the document and thus; turned walked over and was going to put it on the table next to this women; she got upset and barked at me right then because I did not put it in her hand. I looked at her and pulled back but then suddenly realized; she was my friend; not my enemy; I change at that moment; and I grabbed the document and put it in her hand; and I felt extremely attracted to her. I was stunned. She liked me before. I refused to open up that door of emotion for anyone. I wrote her off altho she was cute. Now; I was open when I gave her the document and I really liked her at that moment of her emotion and I realized how attracted I was; but it wasnt her looks. I was stunned; I stopped and thought; my God; she wasnt wrong to like me. She could see that I liked her deep down; she must have felt it or saw it... I knew it was there but could not respond to my own feelings; I would not dare. Now; However, I allowed openness for just a second and had an authentic moment.
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Ive been having the strange authentic moments for the last few months; As the universe slowly prepares me for women again... I watching and learning; it is embarrassing not to know how to act around women. But my GOd I didn't realize; I haven't been acting around women since a child. Mabey only a few times; in my teens and early 20's. Not even then; only when a child. The rest is the saddest mesory; Until now!
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Now; God is teaching me slowly; its very interesting. Its truly like Im 14 again wondering around open... emotionally a bit. IF I keep praying all the time; Ill get more n more experience.
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Its like being around sisters; thats what its like; the way Im waking up; Not use to being around sisters and suddenly find myself waking up around women as creatures not fantasy objects on TV... Im actually around real ones and Im going to have to learn how to manage them while around me. Or get enslaved by them and survive it; either way sounds good to me.
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THe point is; its all an action step... I can see it; and I can see where all of this is going; and where I will have to wake up but Im already wanting to wake up; Im already waking up...
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Im already there; its all ready in my imagination; everything Ive been dreaming or thinking of lately and its starting to show up in front of me.
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I feel like Im in the beginning of a battle video game where I use physical one on one battling with an opponent; thats the purpose of the game. TO start with; the game teaches me how to fight; then brings me opponents of easy work ability; simple procedures I can practice.
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So; the computer is God; teaching me how to prepare; my teacher my parents; my brothers and sisters; the computer game plays all roles for me; my mentor. And slowly teaches me how to prepare for lifes experiences... in this case; to learn how to stand and through fits and kick and swirl and jump and duck and learn how to fight the opponent.
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Life is teaching me; God is teaching me; THe universe is teaching me; Christ I teaching me; THe Holy spirit is teaching. I am being taught how to live again; putting myself out around others is the game practice field for now; Its as if they are all robots working for GOd/Universe to teach me... Im in the beginning basic learning phase. Im being subjected to situations where I wake up...
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God is in control; Im slowly learning again how to be around women; I want to say in the real world; but I mean; in the emotional real world; THe real world with real independent thinking creatures I have no control over. ITs making me wake up.
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ITs not that I ever had control of anyone; but the last time I grew I was a small child watching TV; and that was it!
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IVe been walking around in a stunned state of dissociated de realization ever since.
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So; Now under GOds care; I am strangely waking up around women. Or they seem to be waking up around me and Im noticing it now. Before it mattered not. Im learning. My feelings are interacting with others and its stunning... Im very brutally young at this; and weak; so very weak; Ill keep working with God on this.
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Ultimately God has me around crude people right now for this game. However, at some point. Ill get better. And God will graduate me to better players; but I must keep praying and watching and learning and growing; growing back into the concept of the family system; thats what all of this has been about. Ive been devoid of women for a long long time.
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Its mattered not whether women have been around me; Ive been mentally ill or dissociated completely out of reality while around them; I have sought only help for my condition nothing else; no real interactions.
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Its more like Ive been around or turned the world into pych nurses and thats is the hat I gave them to wear when around me and no other. I was never interested in anything emotional from them. Nothing; I could care less. Now its completely different.
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I have to remember; the universe is allowing me to learn from every day normal interactions with some of these women. IN general these women are not safe; they are the most unsafe people I could be around; However, the interactions Im learning from them are so rudimentary in nature; iTs all good; its the equivalent of playing with Lego's. I mean; Im at that stage of interactions. Its so basic and simple. Im like a 4 year old; Im learning; " GO to the light" " What happens"! ITs that level of learning right now. As I get better; Ill work with the universe to get me to better people.
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The people Im around right now think of only one person; THemselves; their are no others... Just what they want or can get from the world... SO; they work to do Gods work at a most basic level; and thats where God has me starting; to be startled and wake up and lookin in front of me in reality right now at that moment and take it all in and learn.
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Work!
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ART WORK; ITs coming back; its taking allot of work; the way it should be.
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Im learning how to draw from Youtube; ITs been awhile. Im now allowing my self; ( A real miracle) To draw something like a figure;' learn to put a real face on it and then learn how to shadow things. In the process I dont get it perfectly right. its perfectly wrong to the point it will need corrections; IT may take me hundred times to through white paint on everything and start over; the way it should be; WHy would I think I would do anything less to obtain a satisfactory image. I mean; why would I not have to spend 100 times over on this one image; why not! did I earn any more then this.
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And I did not used to be this way. I would spontaneously draw something and then try to cover over with quick nonsense hand gestures of colored pencils to give the impression I knew what I was doing. Its as if all that was important was to show someone I knew what I Was doing.
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THe whole point of my art experience is to practice something over n over n over until I get good at it.
Including the art figure Im working on; drawing.
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I'm starting (GET INTO)( THE WORK) Associated with Art!@ That means Im (TAKING A REAL INTERESTS) In my Art! That's what terror and sexual abuse and trauma and PTSD and Bulling and trauma bonding took from me. SO; Im back. Is crazy to say that but Im going to practice like I am; and I am... I just created a figure and Ive worked on it last night and this morning. Ive had to carve it up and really get into it and rebuild it on paper.
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I would love to fall in love with creating Art to the point that I want to work on things until Im really proud of what I make. Really feel the ownership of my work; put in the hours it takes to get good at Art because its what I like to do; and leave it at that; I dont have to do 1600 different other things and be good at them so I will look good in your eyes... Ive got this one thing and get good at it because it is mine and get good at it. Really put time into it; stop giving up as if someone owes me to be good at something; I have to WANT to be good at it; believe in myself; believe in the process; Pray first before I sit down and create. Put out some effort and positive possibility. Apply myself to something; really put in the time to get things to a specific level. And then slow down and learn and practice my craft; learn about it; study it; get into it; get really good at it. ANd be grateful for what Ive got. Stick with this one thing and get good at it. If I want to do other things down my temperament ally; that's fine; but dont throw or give this up for something else; that's not how this works.
What makes me feel good; what turns me on; what interests me when I get up in the morning; DO THAT! And work with God.
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Learn how to shade. I mean; really get enthusiastic about learning how to shade body parts on paper and perspectives and stuff. I mean; its OKE>.. ITs what I like to do.... Its like;' its OKE for me to work through learning how to learn how to feel safe applying myself.
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PTSD/ABUSE/DEATH FEAR/ABANDENMENT and learning how to feel safe applying myself; I think Im ready; I mean; i really think I can do this thing; this thing at a basic level; of sticking to something and feeling the fear and working on it. Knowing I am fighting for Art; fighting to keep it.. ANd learn how to do that... I will get overwhelmed and thrown off the horse. Dissociation is protecting me and keeping me from following through. Keep going anyway. dont give up; I dont have a sexual abuser after me. IM OKE. Just grab the table and ground myself and pray and keep going. Im at that point right now. Ive earned this. So; its time to try it; try to apply myself a little more and see if I can stay safe; feel safe and learn to take a break and come back and get into it.
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I want to GET INTO IT! Thats what I want for my Art; TO GET INTO THE LEARNING PROCESS... ANd then practice all that Ive been getting into... Get emersed in it.
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Keep working on things because I like it; I have a passion for it. The first thing I feel is the sexual abusers coming into and over all my boundaries as if I have non and have no right to any; nothing; like Im not even alive or a human being; nothing. And so; working on the things Im proud of; it takes all of that away.
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Im now at a place to confront all that; I do that by doing what I love anyway and following through with it and seeing what happens. How long can I go with this before Im so freaked out I cant move anymore from freeze mode trauma.
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Im actually standing up predy good for myself! Not bad; really! Im very proud of myself right now; Im doing a good job not falling over...
So things are possible like they've never been possible before.
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Im not just talking now; Im creating now; Im actually doing it! Im doing it; its a start. It started in me first and things GOd worked out because Im able to fight back now a bit and create a life in my imagination and now some of that life is showing up around me; Im living again; and I want it and I want it to continue... So we will see how bad I want it to continue!
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VIDEO GAMES;
I saw this girl online; YOUNG WOMEN; Channel on video games its her thing. SHe has all the gaming machines from the 80's until now; the essentials. I mean; ITS HER THING. She appriciates the history; the producers the companies that build games the politics through the last 40 years. The business success and what it all means. It has all deep meaning for this person; she lays herself and her intellectual abilities all into this; Video gaming life. its not just a hobby or a life its her life! Its like a serious think; Like biking is to someone in the tour de france.! I mean its great; its like someone becoming a commercial pilot of 747's as a career...
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For this women; Video games are her career and her passion. Its so very cool; its her calling and I get it; its mine to. Altho I always wanted it to be but never felt good enough. Now it is. ANd Im slowly immersing myself.
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\IT will come to a point; I dont have to write about music or writing stories on Wattpad Or creating Art or video games; Ill be doing it so strongly; Ill take it to any direction I want to; I wont have to report in on it because Ill be doing it all day long; it will be with me; it will be mine. it will take the place of all the sad horror I remember.. of having my life taken from me. Thats where all of this is going; Im in the foundation stages of such things; I dont know how long it will take; I have no idea until Im more solid with this new way of life that I always dreamed of having.
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I mean; it was all taken away from me; I never ever figured a way back. it never crossed my mind; all things were over with.
But then I was introduced to many new things; including the recovery process; success based thinking process and GOD/ Universe; using GOd the way the multi billionaire used GOd universe for success.
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SO;' Im going with this new thing of DOING THINGS.. not really having to think much about where its OKE or I have to hide it from an abuser or have to throw it away because the abuser doesnt care about it.
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Concerning my first love;
First; the goal is to correct what happened with myself and my first love. Everything was fine until my mother got involved with me... broke through my boundaries again and I could not talk anymore; I was so sick from more trauma; overdosed from it; it also meant I had no real place to live; no one wanted me...
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So; I have a way from the universe to write up all the things I would have said to her if I had gone back up and talked to her; taken her side; stood by her stayed with her; explained everything to her; told her exactly who I was and what was going on and what I wanted to do and how I felt about her. And from their she could choose herself if she wanted to stay with me or not.
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By getting all of this out on paper; By working with God and praying first and imagining Im sitting with her and working with her; I can re fix this disaster. Why is this important? it frees me up right now to be expressive and have a vulnerable voice when talking to someone new. God is setting me up; preparing me for new relationships. I know this; thats what Ive asked for.
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In fact; on all fronts things are moving; relationship fronts and work activity fronts.
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Art; I have a new appreciation for doing the things I like to do. I dont expect to much from what I like to do accept that I enjoy doing it. And I would like to appreciate the studying of such things and experiencing getting better at things of my interests...
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So; Art is coming along... Im applying myself much more this time... I like it. Its the same attitude toward music; its coming along; we will see; I still have to write music; that could get much better tho. More work.
Writing stories is a problem; Ill have to talk to God about it.
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Playing video games; getting into them; this is doing really well...
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Plastic model kits is doing good...
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PErforming music doesn't exist yet; like things to change here... Ill pray about it.
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IN some cases Im still playing the victim; lots of anger here.
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So my Art appears to be going well; just as my interest in video games and my interest in cleaning up my past and my past relationships; However; and altho hard; I know it can be done; I can get to a clean slate. , Im seeing sexual abuse and allowing a sexual abuser to touch me or fondle me or use me rape me or control me or take me prisoner... or chase me or... control; all forms of torture. No matter what; I still have that part of me that wishes I had had somewhere to go. I was 2 young and already thrown away and no one cared; they just wanted me dead...
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So; Im sure at least with my first love; I can get this cleaned up and back to the starting gate as I remember her... Before the insanity started and before that; I was on my way to having a relationship with her. No problems; However, problems will start at that time regardless. but i can clean that up today. I can learn to be alert and communicative with someone about what is going on before it goes on; pre warning the person... Through communication if Assuming im with the right person; I can discuss everything first of what will happen and what has happened in the past. So; I have to clean up what happened tho because Im hardened inside from it and its blocking my true feelings and true nature.
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Music comp. Writing notes.. This is something I have to become dedicated to; just as I am Art; Ill pray about it. I do write music; but its spotty. Not like Art is right now. Ill keep working on it. Sometimes the key is to just get started and through notes on a page and dont think about it; just do it over n over n over until the work ethic ritual for writing shows up...
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