July 2025
June 2025
FIrst;
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Ill talk about my best Friend...
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I spent years around my best friend and his family; they filled a complete nich for me in this life; spending most of my time at his house; With his parents and his family and his backyard and many things; and this worked from ages 5 to about 9 years old. By the time Im 10; its over. My parents broke up; and Im thrown away. Not that I wasn't thrown away before that; I was; but I never spent time at home accept when I was alone most of the time and doing my own thing. Because my father was the head of the house; I was safe... When I realized what he really was; a fraud and a sociopath border line anti social schizophrenic? Traits of this kind of paranoid schizophrenic; it always ended up that way for him in everything... criminal borderline... The conscious of a sociopath. When he abandon his family; this would not be the first time. He would create a problem and claim a problem that gave him an excuse to leave; I guess we call them cowards.. but it was also fueled by sadistic pathological state; these were dangerous people; sycophants that no children should ever ever ever should have been exposed to for any reason.
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ANway; I spent my childhood at my best friends house; only to find out he was not my friend and I was never wanted their. I was completely devastated. that section of my life at that time had much hope and growth and developmental ideas; like any child that age. Nothing but hope for the future; my future to become part of things.
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After being thrown away from my best friends house; I lost that social anchor. I did not have anywhere or anyone; nothing...
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TO THE PRESENT:
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I am suppose to recreate what ever that experience was when I was 5-10 years old; most of it going on with my best friend. I am to recreate it now some how. God will show me how. I can feel it. The feels from the universe; they are showing up. THus I will be regaining back what I lost. I'm not sure how the universe will bring back the experiences or feelings of those experiences through new experiences of that time period; but I'm at that frequency. THis will be hard. Because I will have to directly feel many things that are gone; old memories and PTSD will have to come up; I had massive disappointments after learning I was not a friend of anyone and never wanted at their home by any of them.
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So; I can feel it. I can feel the change... I can feel the universe calling to me to become ready as I enter this new realm; I will be getting back the level and frequency and experiences of what i had with my best friend; it will be restored but without him or his family. this should get interesting. This just came to me a minute ago; thats why I started writing it just now... all of this... concerning my best friend when young. Thats how the universe works. The thoughts Im hit with; they are from the universe. Not from me; I just take direction.
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MY MOTHER IS THE REASON:
WHy have I had problems with relationships... MY MOTHER!
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Many reasons through the middle of my life; of why I had problems with relationships; low self worth and esteem.
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Sexual abuse; extended abuse for long periods of time. over n over n over. Same of being tortured.
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Being completely pulled from my life and erased on purpose.
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Schooling destroyed.
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Massive trauma based mental illness.
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Many many other things; loss of friends and future and ability to be involved in anything. no home.
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RIGHT NOW! WHat is the problem revealed to me by the universe? TRAUMA-BOND WITH MY MOTHER!@
I can feel 3 specific or unique time periods of being trauma bonded that are causing the problem.
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My mother was a psychopath; so I'm actually being trauma bonded to a sadistic psychopath; Their is no mother... No connection; nothing; psychopaths are murder'rs and they like to torture that leads to death... that is all they do; that is all life is about; ( its a thrill to torture someone to death; they like the control of seeing people as objects); that and hiding under disguises in order to survive; they wear many hats and play many roles and wear different costumes according to who they are trying to fool. THey hook up with weak people or their families; they take over a family system; they get in through manipulation or charm; usually finding a weak member of the family system; once in the family system; they will create alegences that will create separated power struggles within the family system; breaking up and destroying the family system; they split it right down the middle. And this is all they do; its completely human backwards..
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TRAUMA BOND.....
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I was Trauma bonded by this psychopath. THey got in for obvious reasons; THey prey upon the weak parts of society; old people; crippled disabled people; marginal people and children. In my case; I was a young child; one of the worst possible dangerous times of life one can be. And I was fully and completely manipulated the whole time. My mothers original role with me was to destroy me; thats all she wanted in this life; but my father put fear into her because he Had been a WHeat Farmer and a WW2 combat vet and he didnt play games with people. He was in the Battle of Hurtgen forests; The Black Forests of Belgium; THe Ardennes; THe Battle of the Bulge.. He told me about it in many aspects... Not a pretty site or experience.. He was already nuts before he went into there; by the time he came out he had been grinded to ashes.... What ever was left of him or his crushed mind; It was never on this planet again...
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Altho my Mother was a psychopath; she had made a mistake; she thought she had found a dumb dirt farmer and family system to manipulate. She made a massive error. She married the wrong person.
My father was impenetrable. If she tried to sabotage him or destroy him in any form; and would try. She would find herself smashed up against a wall right quick!@ It didnt work. She had no choice but to ride this one out; He was not like the other weak men she had manipulated or married before him. SHe finally had no choice; she had to move on; she could not budge that impenetrable wall; The world war 2 vets were quit unique; They owned the world and ran the country when I was a boy; that's why everything was some what solid when I was a kid; Not like this insanity today. they went through bad things; and they didnt take any thug nonsense from anyone...
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My mother was simply out of luck; she could not turn my father in any direction; could not turn him into a victim where she could slowly rot im from the inside out; slowly destroyed him. SHe then looked for plan C; Get out of here; get a new man in another state as fast as possible. He complained about her behavior; but I dont know if he realized what she was. Im not sure he ever knew to the day of his death... She played it up the whole time; the mask; the charade... I saw it from the beginning; but I did not know what it was called. I was a child and didnt care... I cared tho to be safe and My father could keep me safe from my mother; that was all I knew...
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TRAUMA BOND> SO; Ill work with the universe to get unspun done from my mother. Ill study up on it; work with the universe; Ill try several different things to confront this to get undone from her; Ive talked about it at meetings... so; Im starting...
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I also have bad and intrusive thoughts of sexual abuse place.. This also causes great fear and panic and stress that cause freeze mode. Plus; being thrown away into this... Not being able to protect myself because the protector that has all the power and the resources that I depend on at the time to survive on all fronts is the one abusing me. TOtal state of Death fear!
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Starting to get new signals from the universe; I will continue to build my inner little world of interests to a point that when a frequency is high enough and strong enough I began to look for community of my new interests; This is like a new episode of my life;
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Its like; Fallout 1, this was the first part of my life; These video game.. A new Fallout game is being created for my life; its an extension of a different direction of the first game; its a reversal and start over of the Fallout game; of my childhood. Its like my childhood ran its course; was destroyed and then after all the horror and healing; it comes back to my childhood again; but this time I am new starting again slowly rising. This time it starts over again without any of the same players; but Im still me... Am I a better me; well; Im in the beginning; so; this time I don't use the same people and places and things as before. I dont know anyone anymore... THe universe; when Im at the frequency; the universe has to create all new players for this game.
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Im working with God slowly moving into a new child. I have been reborn. Im now transferring all data from the old child to the new child... into now. I become the new now child; I am the new child? Or Im in Beta mode?. This child is accepting and free to work with GOd to get what he wants... no limits... No limits means; I start out with God and lets see what we can create and learn how to work in this new world. Character is of the day. Creating and working at things myself is what this is based on. Directed by God Universe Christ sunny chriesto God o manifesto King Kong your wrong drum... THe Holy spiritus...
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HEre's the deal; Im transferring data right now from the old me to the new me... I have no idea how long that will take and how uncomfortable that is; but I can feel it right now and I'm just at the beginning. ALl places lost; all places will be replaced...
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Ill try to talk on this just a little bit.
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So many areas are being opened; its like Im opening many areas up that are melding in through the present; they are finding their frequencies and moving forward... but they need much more training and confidence and time and development. Development is what they need; and that's what they are getting as I move forward into my new person. Its like Im entering a new submarine from a ship... Im now equipping it... the sub seems to be done enough to walk around in; no denying it; Im walking around in it; it is my new inner self or life... Its still in dry dock one might say... its being re furnished and re worked and gone over and through... I can look out the port holes but cant go anywhere yet. Because its just being build.
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NOTE: When I was young; at my best friends house; I would go to his house and we kids would meet in the backyard and talk at the swings.. And it was a whole social situation of development. I remember going to the left; into the neighbor's; His neighbors back yard; A space existed between his back yard and backyard garage and to the right a fieldish small area of weeds and such... and under growth covered by trees and other bushes and things; it created this covered area.. and to the right of it back; would go to the neighbors deeper back forestry growth; a place I and my friend could visit in for hours; no one would know we were their. That place was a hidden place for me; my childhood development. very important to me. And my friends basement; in one room beyond the washer and dryer is a kind of play house doll house area... He had sisters.. old shelves and a kids table. a place where 2 little kids could always meet; it was like; no adults allowed. it was our childhood cherished hiding place... no one else on earth knew about it... I want those back. ANd I want to visit them; but this time; I want them with nice people. Not someone that would stab me in the back.
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ALl these important things to my life were taken from me. The universe will bring them back. As I gain more frequency; the higher frequency; if I can get to the frequency and feelings of those sacred places; God will replace them with something new. All things will be replaced. Old sacred places will be replaced with secret sacred places as if i was 8 years old again and living on my street again; but this time a whole new group of friends and places and safety... this time it will be with people that love me.
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There's still more. Where did I leave off as a kd; what did I expect to do tomorrow when I was a kid; what would I have done; played football; gone to a friends and watched TV; gone to a football game that night. ice cream with a friend. WHat would I have done. No video games yet; Home computers did not exist yet when I was a child. WHat kind of wingmen and safety people could I know. I was bullied in school later; I had no one; mentally ill. Clubs I would have joined. But I would have been hanging out with other people and getting help to build my life. I would have been doing allot more for my future because I understand how I must participate in it.
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I would have been inner active in school stuff; in plays or maybe in other games and such...
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WHat kind of relationships with people. WHo would i hang out with; that kind of thing.
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NOTE: What is happening to me? Im getting strong enough that Im being prepared to reinvent myself in the real world. There's much to reinvent. The key is; Ill get back my original life in the sense that Ill do all the things I wanted to do on a daily basis but this time without the fake false friends or 2 face girls I liked or crossed me; or the vicious evil teachers or school system not helping me or the death family system I came from including relatives; Who end up not really being relatives...
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I dont have the same friends; but Ill become the same person and confront that; in fact Im starting to confront that right now as my whole life energy begins to rise to another frequency; and it is. Soon at some point; the lower levels of humanity will not be part of my existence; my mind will not be on them because I would have graduated to a higher level standard of everything; and it will equal who I was as a child; in fact; its already been happening on so many fronts.
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Still in the dreaming planning stage... Not much in the outside reality stage but things are showing up in the laboratory. Actually Ive graduated from the laboratory. Im outside. Im just not built yet. Im new and a prototype robot; very simple; THis robot will slowly grow...
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Im remembering a friend of mine who lived across several blocks to the south down by the store. Im starting to feel like I did when I would visit him as a kid. Im getting back that independence; The key to all of this is to understand a replacement life will show up; For my original friend is not there anymore. But I did come back to being me again; So; what will the universe do for me this time. Im in a new video game now... with all new neighborhoods and people and adventures if I want to believe that... and i've learned the right to believe that... because Ive invested my time in learning how to be a believer...
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Back to the subject of Trauma Bonded by my mother...
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Ill try to write more on this Later.
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I was playing a video game run through; vid run through of an rpg game... Fallout... In the game; questions are asked at a village. When the main character max shows up to the gate; seth is their to meet him; I think that's one of the main names. the game gives me options on what to ask and how to answer. And I realized; my God; could I be somewhere (part of something) to learn how to be a human being in the neighborhood again. Could I become social again in a positive sense; yes! Im still to hardened. but yes; as soon as I come back to my faculties; yes. I can see it; its bout appreciation for such things. to become part of things; alive again... yes! I can see it; not their yet; Ill get there; is this fantastic; But; Ill have to take this to higher power; God.. I mean; is this really possible for me? My GOd... Can I believe Ill get what I ask for; am I actually intune to ask for such things finally. I think I am...
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Getting hit with allot of PTSD and fear from sexual abusers memories controlling me like Im in a prison... Captured... no way to control myself; someone has complete control of me; cant describe what this is like. It was and is unbelievable. All basic human rights Gone; cant describe what this does to someone permanently. A human being will kill...
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Asking in prayer for anyone who reads this to pray I have permission to let go of relationships from the past; that they will be OKE if I move on... Amen
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Gods will not mine!~~
Our partner
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