July 2025
June 2025
Just keep going;
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Ive legally surpassed my goals; or Ive actuated my original goals. Ive been able to have contact with the human race again.
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ITs dangerous... I might connect with someone one minute and the next minute; they dont know me. and thats the way it goes.
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At some point I start to remember to let the universe bring them to me... I have to trust again or feel again and thats work with the universe.
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Lately ive been back; just as I wanted to be. I was able to talk to someone that I really found attractive; that does not mean Im hitting up with her; it just means I found her attractive and faced it;
Instead of saying I faced it; I became what I wanted to become first and I morphed into that person and then I had all the confidence to talk to her... and not be afraid... I was not afraid to have a voice and an opinion.... And so it is done.
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NOTE; IT IS DONE; Technically; everything I was working toward in the past just got completed. The beginning stages of it.
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Now; I have to just Keep going. The universe is bringing me into a new age.
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ITs scary; I dont have the stability of my childhood... or the house I lived in; thats whats different; Ive been able to come back anyway through the universe; through God...
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THis is not easy; any of it; its scary and triggering; However, I must remember; its already been done; I did it. I took chances and I was successful.
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Lets get something clear; the people Im working on or working with; THey are not necessarily my friends. In the best scenario they are completely 2 faced; unpredictable and dangerous. They are not safe. THey might talk to me or allow me to talk to them one minute and 2 hours later dont care at all what we discussed. They will act like they never met me; completely betray me... as if they never met me; SO; dont get involved in the first place; its all just social practice but keep ones guard up. Just remember they are fooling me or could be fooling me and I have no value to them and never did...
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ITs more then just taming a snake... Its working with the snake... Like a lion tamer in the zoo... They work with the lion everyday I think; I guess. they have a working relationship with the lion.
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So; IVe technically made it back into the outskirts of society without anyone from the past; Without anyone knowing; anyone knowing anything.
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Ill just keep working with GOd and keep climbing the ladder...
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Im still freaked out right now that I was able to be so open with someone and confident... I can feel the parts of me that are ruptured from the past; they are triggered... Im freaked out now...
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However, its already been done; What will come next; Ill keep working with God and practicing...
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My goal is to learn to meet new people again and not need to go to meetings anymore; have most of that in the past...
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NOTE: So; imagine one is in their childhood house; there 8 year old... they run outside; get on a bike; and go down the street of their neighborhood. THey feel safe; The own the world; they feel empowered; and great..
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So; Here I am as an adult. Im working to become that 8 year old again; who when leaving his apartment; feels present empowered safe; I own the world I feel great; Im back; Im back in life again. ANd thats what im working toward and its happening. Im not in control of it; I just keep showing up and I keep working with the universe. Its not quit that realistic or good; but Im trying to say something; Hope is what Im trying to say; Im getting very close to having my original identity start showing up.
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Sometimes in the 12 step meetings I attend; Im amazed; Im amazed Im still going through this; it does help; it is the recovery process; THey break the rules all the time especially when I speak. In many of these meetings; women hate my guts... THey all want to spit on me... pure hatred and contempt and conceit. ALlot of that is from a few of the more powerful women in the group that ruined my name... made me out to be a letch or something. The point is; its not easy for me in those places and they make it hard for me in those places...
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Im still getting better regardless...
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Today at a noon meeting; someone was talking about getting Graduate level entrance papers into the office for their graduate schooling; When I heard this; something in me clicked.
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I've not ever thought about Graduate school; way beyond me. However, listening to someone speak of it today; it wasn't as far away as I thought.
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I'm like totally Illiterate educationally speaking; I have a Bachelors degree in hiding; Bachelors in Huminites minor in Marketing.... GPA; 2 point maybe... Totally mentally ill at those attempts and dropouts; complete insanity... My mind was never strong enough; present enough to apply myself; and complete untreated horrible mental illness... No desire; no interest...
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Still; Im a Graduate degree kind a guy; in the perfect world if I had come from one; But that's the past. And the past dont count anymore; nor does it mean anything; nor is it needed; because Im becoming myself again regardless and myself in the present; but man o man what work this has taken and is taking; I cannot legally spell anything; I mean; no clue of any words; Im guessing every word accept basics every time.
I cant spell 90% of the words used; not have a clue; I do have dyslexia... I feel really dumb I Q wise/level. And Im slow learner. I cant handle reality. I can only handle little bits going into me at once. Maybe Evergreen state college or something where its a non traditional setting; I dont know.
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First Id have to have goals and a Major... No real clue about anything; I have hobbies and interests...
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As much as a math guy as I should have been? No Math. Bone head math... I got the minimal in education... I never really got to apply to myself nor do something I really loved doing.
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However; when that women was talking about Masters degree; I could feel it; If I could get up to speed with a desire for something; up to speed with a desire; but what is important; my confidence about the idea of a Masters degree; Im much stronger then I used to be... My standards are more middle class again...
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I would love to get an MFA... However, thats not what I would get a Graduate degree in... I would get a second one or Id get a BFA I guess... well; No! Wishful thinking; maybe not; what ever I would get a Masters in; I would want an MFA... I would also like a Masters in music theory... SOmething!
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ALl I know; as I heal; a pathway by the universe is opening up; who was I in the beginning...? Before I was pulled out of my life.
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All nifty neato ideas; Like a cup a purple java....
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Its OKe; everything is Oke; Just ideas being sent around an oblong'd brain!
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Who knows; Ill keep working with the universe and keep getting my life up to speed...
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Im actually doing terrific... Did I spell that right?
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