July 2025
June 2025
Relationships and work # 33
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Im definitely developing; the problem is the years between 9 and 13; we will start with those; Ill have to pray about this.
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I go from a house hold; The owners of the house are splitting up; they've been threatening to leave since I was 7.. This is by my father and its in purpose; contrived; hes done this before on my older brothers… When they get past 5 years old he starts separating himself. Hes doing this so he doesn’t have to take any responsibility. Soon he will find excuses to leave at this specific time...
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He left because his wife is a psychopath and hes complaining about her behavior; how she sabotages his stuff. Takes his stuff and purposely hides it; destroys it mis aligns it; Im looking for the right word.
I got tired of it. I fought with her all the time. Thats because she was purposely not getting inline with him. He was confused; he thought he had a wife; Instead he had a monster that was slowly debilitating his efforts to live a life. And thats what the psychopath does. And this was a bad one.
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So; Im asked where I want to go; I do not want to go with that witch; I want to go with my Dad; so I go live down the street in his apartment. Little do I know he does not want me. I did not know this; And when I draw or use my talents; he does not notice or care… the food is basic; I remember getting enough; but I guess he said he didn’t have enough. But he had enough for the colleges age girl he picked up or groomed; I watched him groom her; it horrified and shocked, me. I saw him wear the clothing of the colleges of those days… to fit in. the whole thing made me sick; it was like out of some bad dream I could not go to sleep from. It meant I was a throw away. I do not remember my father ever giving me any notice at this point; nothing; I was truly a throw away; it was all about him…
Its unbelievable.
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From this time period of living in my house to moving in with my father; something horrible happened in the sense that the whole ground broke lose. I was now nothing with nobody who cared about me; I had no house. Nothing; no one cared. The other strange thing; Where were my brothers; I had 2 other brothers where were they; no one cared if I stayed with my brothers and developed with them; nothing. No one cared. Nothing.
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SO; that is also something separated from me. I continued to get things separated from me. My self or selves separated from me. So many things pulled away from me that were part of me.
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So; This area needs to be shored up; the time period from my mothers house to my fathers apartment; I need to become a strong different person during that time period. Ill have to work with God on this.
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During that time period I would have been involved in outdoor things at school and internal things; activities; like drama or debating team or something else. Art classes and show; all kinds of things; but I had no one; nothing; I was completely devoid of all things.
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NOTE: So; for this; Im looking to get restored; restoration; How do I go back and act as if Im still in my original home and it is extended a year or more that I keep growing and I end up with help and love and support in school and do so very well their participating and having interest; How do I do this God; re creating the story of old where the world was pulled out from underneath me.
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For those who can understand… I was 9 year old… Have you seen a 9 year old; Im an older adult; do you know how very small a 9 year old is. Its incredible; They are just title kids… To think I was being put through these things at that age; but it actually starts earlier then that; but at age 9 is where they strip everything away…
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SO; I would like to re create this beginning time period; Ill have to work on it with God…
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The time period goes something like this;
1. dropped from my parents being together and the house; This means being dislocated from my neighborhood and original life.
2. moving in with my father down the street in an apartment.
3. Moving back into my mothers house
4. My mother selling the house
5. Having to move to the coast with my mother…
6. moving from the coast back to my Grandmothers house
7. Moving from my Grandmothers house to my mothers new husbands house…coast
8. Moving back from my Mothers new husbands house to my best friends house in home town
9. Moving out of my best friends house to my Grandmothers house…
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I do not function; PTSD Dissociative disorder; I was not wanted no matter where I was; flunked out completely from trauma; no one cared; no one wanted me…
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In through all of this its just horrible. There are no friends or family for me; no one wants me; ever wanted me and never wants to see me again and never wanted to see me in the first place. I have no where to go….Nothing.
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In the middle of this Ill meet my first love; At some point she will laugh in my face and discard me the same way… as if Im a weakling. Unbelievable human trash is what all this is.
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NOTE: My goal is to pick the first sections; number 1 and 2 from the list and start working on fusing them together; fusing me together at a much higher frequency and as if I was doing well in school and participating in everything.
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I think Im making myself clear; I had internal goals; I was a nice person; an introvert and would have been a fantastic son; community member and strait A conservative student.
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They tried everything they could to destroy me; its fun n games for a psychopath. And they always know what their doing and its always pre planned in this case…
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How do I get back to being the real me; the valuable me; not the me in survival mode; but the real internal me; where do I get a world that fits who I am on the inside. Thats what I will pray for; how to become that person again and during these vast robbed death times.
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SO; That is the goal; to restore my life through the bad times ive mention above in the list. Ive mentioned details of those bad times in prior blogs; don’t feel like going through it here right now.
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