July 2025
June 2025
New Directions; thats where Im headed because their are no directions in the 12 step groups; Im almost done with them; they can work for relief of PTSD and Dissociation but they are also layden with criminals and thugs and an unbelievable amount of man haters; not all of them; but I aint never seen such violations of the human disfigurment then the hatred toward men cum'n from these women and others; a whole lot a liars and cowards and scum. Really bad people; at the bottom of the barrel. ANd that's not good without a gun. Not all; but it aint a therapists office. Im Oke; I continue to get strengthened and that strength is leading me out of those meetings back outside into the real world; and its working; but its a lot of heavy waring.
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Im starting to see new directions. an interim place; the other place; outside in the free world; that is the other direction. Ill be praying about that. How to hook into that. Thats where Im heading.
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Im not sure what that looks like yet!
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Possibly therapy to go with it.
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I still need more time in the 12 step groups; GOd will get me there....
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I mentioned before; that the other day I asked a women to talk with me concerning failed relationships; she did and it went well; I told her I liked her and said she liked me I told her she was cool and we talked about it.
The point is; THis is the other direction; having conversation with people; the right people; not the wrong people.
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What I did was a break from the black n white thinking of trauma survival mode... ALways thinking about the past and how to get relief.
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The 12 step groups Im in are getting almost unbearable. They are not functioning for the purpose Im intending; I will pray about new places for recovery.
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Im not out of them yet. Ill pray to sunny Jesus for the next round.... its getting insane tho...
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These people are not my friends. most of them. Some are!
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I will pray about friends..
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My main objective is getting back on my feet. Im not present enough yet for that...
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So; changes can take place; altered changes; Ive proven that. Even tho it feels like Im stuck because of stress and trauma and black n white thinking and a nervous system on high alert... Ive proven I can move into other directions; Now I have to work with GOd on what those would be. ANd where they are.
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BAM
ANSWERS FOR DEALING WITH MY FIRST LOVE;
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How about that Kitties; the Universe has answered me concerning the problems associated with my first love.
I will spell out the answer; I got this answer at a meeting this morning; I get allot of my answers at 12 step meetings; Lots of them the next day; but I dont recommend people do what I do; Im slashed and ripped to pieces by the cheats liars and thief's and cowards who sit in those meetings and break the rules for a 12 step groups; not all will do that; but the meetings Im at they will... I share what Im suppose to share anyway. I come back with deep slash marks and cuts and a new message from the universe...
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Heres the message concerning how to handle the pain and sadness of losing my first love.
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THe answer;
First; Im up to speed; Ive done the work Im suppose to do under GOd; and the universe will let me know what that is...
So; iVe been doing that work to try and sort this stuff out.
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HEre is the answer...
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When I showed up at her house the first time when I was very young; God was with me. I had something to offer her from God; " Treats"; "God Treats"; Im the vessel that these treats are working through. GOd his handing them to my inner being; my soul. and I am to open up and hand them to her; my first love; and thats what was about to happen. However, at some point she didn't want them; she decided half way through; she wanted something better. Heres the problem; Sunny Jesus looked at me and I look at Sunny Jesus; and we both said the same thing at the same time; " You cant get any better; this all come from GOd". Stunned and heart broken. I did not know what to do. Suddenly Jesus went into battle formation as if fighting an enemy; He was no longer the nice Jesus I read about in the fairy books. Now; hes GOD JESUS and he aint playing Games; He owns the Universe and went on to high alert when this girl changed her mind; because she didnt just betray me; she also betrayed Jesus and the universe.
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SHE CALLED OUT TO THE UNIVERSE THEN CHANGED HER MIND!
At some point in the past she must have called out to the universe for support; She must have been lonely and thrown away and called out to Jesus for help; and God heard her call; and Thus God would come; and this made Jesus extremely happy so Jesus show'd up and he brought me with him. For I had called out to Jesus because I was broken and lonely and I wanted a companion.
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THE BETRAYAL OF JESUS:
So this young women was contacted by GOd through me. I showed up; God arranged it. For the first few days; everything seemed to be working; but then problems started; she seemed to want companionship and she liked being around me for the first few days; but she didnt like the idea that she had to get inline with GOd to have my soul; She kind of wanted her cake and to eat it to! and this did not sit well with Jesus...She needed to show respect to God and the universe for what the universe had brought her. But she wouldnt. Soon she began to push things. Its as if she was questioning if GOd was really that tough or a push over; She began to see if she could get away with bullying Jesus... spitting in Gods face... She began to change her mind.... But she never told the universe; instead she betrayed the universe and left everyone stranded.
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But then she betrayed Jesus; For she had conjured a deal with Jesus; But then she changed her mind in mid stream on Jesus; and by doing so; I was destroyed. I Looked back at Jesus as I was sinking and calling out to Jesus " Im mortally wounded Jesus; help me"; "Why did you allow this to happen to me Jesus"; I trusted you" Jesus at this moment is not Happy with this situation. Jesus is now grown. He is no longer 6 feet tall and friendly; He is now 100 miles tall and He does not have a smile on his face. He has a grave look of concern and what to do; like a surgeon who is losing his patient on the operating table; Jesus then choose certain pathways for both of us... He is the universe....
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Lately; Because Ive been working steadily with the universe; the universe has given me answers.
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Here is the answer to the problem of losing my first love;
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ANSWER: Jesus gave this girl a gift and I was to present his gift to her. I was to minister to her and love her with all my heart; but the love came from Jesus; from God; from the Universe. And thus I opened myself up completely for she had opened her self up completely first; But there was a problem; She was lying. She was a thief and a cheat and a deceptive manipulator. I assume Sunny Jesus saw all this when it was occuring; but the universe can not take away someone's free will. Jesus made a deal with her; she did not honor them.. I did honor them; I honored them because I came back to Jesus. I was a stumbling imbecilic fool fumbling idiot; but I showed up. I kept showing up; I appeared like a complete weakling but I showed up. THe girl on the other hand did not appreciate that I showed up; she saw my defenses were down and that I was weak; thats because I was honoring and following GOd; I loved her; that was the weakness she was witnessing; it was KINDNESS; not weakness; but her mind was evil... and thats how a Wolf pack thinks. My O My! Sunny Jesus didnt know she was going to go that direction? Like a wolf pack; THat means her real higher power is Satan... She not only fooled me but she tried to fool GOd. THe problem is; I was destroyed in the middle; in the process and I screamed out while I was dying; I screamed out for GOds help; THe universe heard me. THe universe wondered why I was in trouble and then the universe saw for itself that I had been betrayed and mortally wounded and thus; she had also turned on the Universe. The universe cant do anything to her because she is given free will. Who knows after she is dead and her soul rises into the heavens; that should get very interesting to see where she ends up. She can no longer ever be with GOd unless she repents and comes before GOd... earnestly; what are the chances of this; she would have to call out to God for help; again? She already has her God; That is SATAN! WHy would she switch highways; THis is the problem with these evil types; that cant see the difference between right and wrong... Im sorry I got mixed up in it!
THe universe is ran by laws and those laws dont change! A lawless person unless having a real reason; is not getting into places a decent person will be apart of.... GOd would not do that to the decent souls in heaven...
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Back to the story; HEre is the answer.
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When Jesus shows up at a door-step and knocks and shows his wears and the owner of the house is haughty and doesnt want it. Jesus does not argue; he may give them a few more chances right then; but if the owner of the house does not take what Jesus is offering and is arrogant about it; Jesus wipes his feet on the rug in front of the house ; backs up and leaves never to return; not unless that person completely repents.... God does not stay and lament; Maybe all heaven cries over the loss but Sunny Jesus is off to another house hold... He doesn't waist his time.... He gave the house owner a chance; they did not take it; Sunny Jesus wiped his feet on their outdoor rug and is now gone... he goes his own way...
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HEres the point;
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Sunny Jesus put it on my heart to love someone; I had gifts for that girl; they came from GOd; My heart came from God; THe owner of the heart; the one for her; I had gifts for her from GOd....
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God has made it clear to me; present what I have to offer to her; if she refuses; show her again; stand my ground and show her; If after telling her again; She refuses the gifts or the offer that is coming from GOd; coming through me. Make it clear to her; GOd will offer these gifts to someone else. Someone more worthy. I will leave and not come back says GOd; God will offer this GOld to someone else down the lane; God will not abandon me; God will simply shut that door to this young women and move me on down the lane to someone that is more appreciative of what GOd has to offer; more worthy!
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I did offer her this gift when I knew her; I offered it in a way that was completely open and defenseless in order to see how she would respond to someone that appeared to be innocent and weak and with no protection; to see how she would handle it; She trampled me under her feet and tore me to pieces... Thats what she thought she did and when she walked away; she thought she had destroyed God and what God was offering; in reality; she hurt no one accept my heart... But she did not know that. She was a wicked servant and did evil in the site of GOd! Its as if she tried to kill God and kill me. SHoot God and SHoot me! And thought she had gotten away with it; never knowing her bullets never worked after she shot them from the gun.
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When God presents 2 items; One is a mound of dirt; the other is a mound of gold; When this young women cannot see the difference in value of the gold vs the dirt; Jesus gets me out of there; I wipe the dirt from my feet at her door step as if Ive never been their and move on...(I back tracked out the door of her life never to return). I have God directing me. Its now between her and the universe; she has made an enemy of GOd; I am to follow GOd. I simply move on because I am not wanted their anymore; by her; but more importantly; God is no longer wanted their in her house; she laughingly spit in Gods face and mine after being offered these gifts from GOd... ANd in the beginning she is the one who cried out to God for help just as I did! God tried to match-make us; and bring us together but she changed her mind; What GOd was offering was not enough; she craved something evil; and that is something God cannot offer... I broken hearted; all I could do was leave.....
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NOW WHAT: ( SMILE!); God will supply new people for me to give my heart to those more worthy! ( and I will keep my worth; keep it in Gods realm and keep it to myself) And thus; God fulfills his promise to me. I am to pick up my valuables and God will supply a worthy person for me and I get to just leave and move on because its not my problem; Im a worth while worthy person( I am in the vortex of GOd; God and me)!; God does not want me near some scumbag filth like this... Im worth more then that... a great mistake was made here; I found myself around the wrong person. God apologized to me and moved me to have a choice to pursue right people. And I apologized to GOd and to the girl for wasting their time; for I didn't know!~
I didnt know I had knocked on the wrong door..... So; Im worth more then this; so I take my worth and allow God to get me to the next door of importance... I guess these things happen.
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NOTE: I knocked on the wrong Door and Im sorry! But that doesnt mean my worth tarnishes; I dont give my worth away because my worth is intermingled with GOds... and its a closed system with GOd. If someone wants to run along side me and jump on my train and visit once in a while thats OK; but my worth does nto change; Thats the lesson I learn; GOd has me. No other!
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ANd there it is kitties; the answer to being dumped by my first love. God gave me this answer because Ive been in so much pain. I truly loved this person; but there was really no one to love; for this was a deceiver of Christ! And God would not want me to be with the same kind of scumbags that killed Christ on the Cross... I have to turn and work with God for I made a mistake and went down the wrong pathway...
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NOTE: The importance of the 12 step rooms; Ive been through mass tragedy in my life and those 12 step groups saved my bacon hundreds of timed; thousands of times from fatigue and loneliness; Im never alone and the coffee is good
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As I keep up this work; my relationship with Christ builds and my worth continues to return to me and the evil in the world goes back to its hole where it lives and breaths and hides... and may the 2 never meet! May I be a thousand miles away from the evil holes of the world.
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I continue to work with God and get better and better opportunities in Gods world to grow and shine the light.
I want to say something;
I depend on God; THis can be different then someone who goes to church; the average church goer. God is my survival; Im no different then any man; I have the same cravings and lust; and Im just as dumb... Im Dumb as a stump most of the time! Im falling off buildings and falling into cars and falling of mountains; seems like all the time!
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God is my survival... I die without God... its that simple... God is my breathing apparatus on earth; GOd Universe!
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