July 2025
June 2025
Something interesting and strange happened tonight;
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I was at a meeting; a night meeting; a birthday meeting; this means the popular people in the group will have a whole room full of crony's worshiping each other. As Im in the room. Im sitting in the back. Some of the popular people come up to me to get chairs; and they will ignore that Im sitting there. They seem to think they have superior rights around others; well tonight I was a bit less tolerant. Not in the mood for it. I am extremely older then all of them all...
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As I sat through the meeting and listened and experienced and looked around I finally got the feeling to get up and leave; I was feeling suicidal. This has been happening as Ive been moving forward out of the my past into a new station of self image that Ive been creating with GOds help; Its like I crossed the line into this new place and Im feeling the grief of it. Anyway; I left the meeting and got on my bike and was gone. About a 3/rd way home; I could feel the suicidal tendencies... I could feel the frustration with the past. With the loss of relationships I did not understand. I thought; is this all its ever going to be; where is the answer I seek.
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I reached out to God Universe; Suddenly I got this pull to turn around; a voice told me ( it wasnt a real voice but a feeling; a feeling from the universe). I had been thinking about relationships I did not face when young. And now Im writing dialogs about several of them; as if Im actually talking to the women from the past I was interested in having the relationship with. Its all on paper; I play both parts; I dialog these parts back n fourth; the goal is to be in an imaginary situation where I get to talk to them again and tell them everything; everything I ever thought about them or felt for them.
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So; IVe been doing this...
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Back to the Story;
Im riding home; and Im talking to God for an answer to my life; all this pain and misdirection. I was feeling suicidal. Suddenly the universe tells me to turn around. I Got an answer; and it was the right answer; GO BACK FINISH THE BIRTHDAY MEETING. I turned around; I went back. I was stunned; a giant pull to go back...
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As soon as I got in the door with my bike; I had to walk down a long hall way of a modern banquet roomed building. THis is a community center many groups use and many 12 step groups from morning to night. As I was walking down the corridor a women appeared far off in front of me walking toward me. I looked at her; she looked at me. THis was another women that wanted to marry me at one time that I bashfully pulled out of; I never allowed us to really get involved with each other. She continued to walk toward me and I her; she gave me this women's scorn look of disgust hatred and hurt; and mended herself to helping someone sitting in a chair to the right of us. She ducked down to help them; I passed by without a sound.
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This stunned me. THe message I got from the universe was " Your going back and facing things".
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So; The answer is in turning around and facing things and feeling it again; learning how to face and feel. With dissociative disorder; this has been impossible. However; with the universe commanding it; I am feeling some things.
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This was not the first time this has happened. I should have happened when I was young with some of the important relationships I had and lost; but it didnt.
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A women I was interested in years ago; suddenly one day I saw her at the bank on her bike. I rode away; suddenly I got a voice from the universe; go back and ask her out. SO I did; I had been thinking bout her all week; I went back and asked her out. One problem; she was all ready in a relationship; She looked at me and told me; " Omnicell"; That was 25 years ago that we had an interest in each other; She was flattered; took control of the conversation and moved me on; I left. I was embarrassed but happy I faced it and did it.
This was extremely important situation for this meant I had started asking out middle class women again; that means I crossed the line back into civilization; That was about 1 1/2 years ago...
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So; writing dialogs about women of my past... THis was Gods way of telling me to turn around and face them and talk to them. Work out what I was suppose to carry out when young. Work it out on paper.
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Back to the story;
Getting such a strong feeling to turn around and go back to the meeting; I understood. God gave me an answer; thats whats important.
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I stopped being suicidal as soon as I rejoined the meeting and finished it and faced the women walking down the corridor.
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Im not sure what Im suppose to do with that women; She is married already has had a few kids; Im not sure...
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God is teaching me to face what Ive been running away from. Am I suppose to talk her into a room and talk with her; Who knows: will it help; maybe it will help her! Im not sure... God knows...
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This is what Im learning; I have no idea what to do when I turn and face something; I show up; and then I have no idea what is going on... And I have to get used to that. I dont know what GOd has in mind for me. I dont know.
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So; Im getting the message that facing things God wants me to face; this is the answer for my future. Im not sure yet what that means; but its an important set of lessons and procedures Ill be practicing; hopefully it will bring me back to life; I think it will help me! and it will help me with future relationships... Thats where its all leading.
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ITs all about pleasing God.
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God instructs me; Im not left out hanging on a branch; I get message when I ask for it.
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I believe if I can live a life of facing things; I might get my life back and running again.
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