July 2025
June 2025
First Love;
The First Answer has come... Im feeling that same feeling I felt when young when I naturally walked away from my parents to go seek relationships outside of the family system. Im back... Its like the few years away from strolling out of the family system; Ive made it that far... and then I hook up with someone else in the community and turn toward them in relationship; someone I can confide in and be myself about where Im at right now as is; in this place in this universe and we both just glide with each other and talk. Thats about where Im at; or Im learning to come to.... And This is where I was at with the first girl I feel in love with; this was her role for me. Thats why I was so interested in her; making that move out into a new life and independence... I was at that place; at least for a little while.
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NOTE; I had no relationship with GOd; not strong enough; not much; I was mentally ill and no help; and started using drugs and was flunking out of school do to trauma. I was seriously looking for someone to save my life and help me; being so alone and lost and kind of innocent... I thought I had found someone up the street; this girl. In reality; I will be destroyed. This was just a stranger; they were not equiped or trained do deal with someone like me with my problems... Its hard to admit... Its hard to admit. That way is closed. it always had been... I have to turn around and go in another direction. I was hoping the girl would rescue me and find me. She did not; left and never looked back; and that burned within me for the remainder of my life.
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Im now recieving answers for ( The Girl Up the Street; First Love).
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I was destroyed by this person or situation when young dealing with the first girl I fell in love with.
Ive been brutally destroyed by this in the beginning and for many years affected by this for the remaing of my life; Ive brought this up from the beginning of my recovery work; the beginning of my years in recovery. And later; it will grow closer and finally several years back when I seriously look at relationship problems or want real relationship solutions from my dysfunction; when I start to seek out what happened with the girl up the street; and I seek the answer with Gods help; The Girl Up the Street; My First Love; It all starts with her; It all starts to get serious; looking for solutions...
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This one relationship or ( limerence based association) is the corner stone of the larger examples of my present and past dysfunction with people... This example shows the culmination of what abuse had done to me in earlier life; and how it will affect me in relationships for the remainder of my life.
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This relationship example will show; Ive come to the end of myself; I was 14-16-17 years old. Those were years of being powerless with no direction and no purpose; bullied with no protection... nowhere to go... no love; no connection; nothing. Lost... I was between the 8th grade and 9th grade when I met her...
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First Love;
The First Answer has come...
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The Universe brings the answers; The First answer to the question of problems concerning My First Love; The Universe has answered it...
Altho I had been dealing with problems for years and years; After working on several of my problems; I wanted to take a jump forward concerning relationships; it was time; I had been working on change for numerous years in general... However,
I started 6 years ago working on this deeper change that I might find a way to function in relationships; I wanted further deeper answers concerning present relationship uselessness. I started a new campain 6 years ago. 6-7 years ago I was still cold hearted; I didnt work anymore to attract women.. I couldnt have relationships with them; impossible. I got to a point that I could do nothing with them. I had to change. I had to become myself again some how!
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Ive worked for a long time trying to come up to speed concerning facing problems with prsent relationships...However; that meant I had to go into the past and work on past relationships; And it looks like its working; Ive come up to speed; Im present again; to a point of dealing with one specific relationship from the past; My First Love... This was not the only important dysfuntional relationship; but it turned out to be the most important disaster that needed to be addressed concerning outside relationships; outside the horrific nightmare family system I was forced to come from.
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The First Answer;
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When a child; I depend on my mother and father for social things. If I have all my needs met at home; I make a safe transition from home to outside world; the community... I connect to that community and begin putting my focus on the community in front of me... (I leave my mother and father in the past and move forward to the outside world; this starts very young; I would say 8-10 years old those earges started for me); However, that did not happen; I was not from a normal background; and I did not develop. By the time I was 10 years old; I had the personality of a 5 year old. And from their I will go into survival mode... and thus not grow in those adolesence and teen years... I will be shut down; go through very severe abuse type problems; abandenment; bullied at every school system; non functioning at every school system...(completely dissociated) I will be a complete shut down to survive.
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THE FIRST ANSWER:
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At 14 years old; I was in a new city.. Up the street that I lived; I met a girl. I will start calling her and soon I will visit her at her house. I tried really hard to think of her and not me... I wanted my needs met but I really wanted to love someone; connect with someone outside the useless family system I came from. I was naturally connecting outside the family system. However, at age 10; that was the age I really wanted to start; so; much delayed development.. Abuse bulling and abandenment will cause much problems; and survival mode; freeze mode; dissociation; PTSD: from ages 10 onward; no maturity development.. Nothing.
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This association with this girl will begin to crumble moments after I meet her. Im not able to sustain any form of normal or formal relationships. Many dysfunctions began to occure and things will get worse. Many relational dysfunctions began to appear as I interact with this girl. I like here and feel she is someone I can talk to.. However, their is a problem... Im not able to go any further.. I just cant move any further with here. Remember; she is a stranger who has just met me months before. She knews nothing about me or the dysfuntion I come from; We are in a kind of extended courtship phase... Unfortunately; I will not make it through the courtship phase.. I will disfunction out! And with it; all purpose for my present life; or interest in life will began to dissipear! In the end; I will lose myself; The girl will leave and never speak to me again... show nothing but disrespect and contempt. She wants nothing to do with me ever again... And it is made clear; I am not to be taken seriously by her and that I meant nothing to her... and not to come back...
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I was crushed and destroyed. I wanted so badly for indendence and success. I wanted something to finally go right for me...
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In the present;
I will spend several of the past years assigned to figuring out; With Gods help; What happened with The Girl Up the Street; My First Love... What went wrong and why!
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THe goal is my role in it; why or how or when or what; how did all this happen! and why! I thought I was getting something out of it; and the person snapped on me and pulled the rug from underneath me. They were never safe and they never liked me and they were never more then cheap shallow opportunists.. But i never saw that side; I only saw what I wanted to see or believe. Im sure I was probably groomed and led on. The question is; working with God; when will enough be enough and I work with God to get rid of all this; Do the detective work and work through all of it getting down to the basics of who I am not. Because thats what this is all about... its about me.. not the other person; who ever that is... Its about getting my charactor back... and living my own life standing up for myself... Something like that./
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Today; is a struggle; The goal is to be a detective; sift through my past; find out where I died; unbury my body and come back to myself...
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Im actually in the rescue business these days; My God; When did this start! Incredible... all of this. God is behind all things; all of this!
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