July 2025
June 2025
I've done allots of work lately; Im following the universe/Higher Power/Christ...
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Amnesia; My!; this has turned up.. Not for the bad!
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So; changes have been occuring. Things have been opening up; My nervous system has been opening up. Bam!
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Ive been doing a lot of work; and it seems the universe is rewarding me.. However, its one of those things. I wish I could go further and get rid of this deeper pain; its fire pain from the inner brooks of my nervous system; from the center furnace of the core of my nerves...
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Im remembering; I held everything in and to myself. I watched television shows and said nothing to no one about how I felt about anything. I had my own dreams and thoughts... When I was young.
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Last several days Ive been remembering...
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I can remember watching the TV shows... sitting in front of them. Im in touch with that part of self and I remember before that; I remember going up n down the street on my bike with training wheels; I remember the kids up the street to the east; I remember; Im going to play with them tomorrow and have their big brothers take of my training wheels and Im going to try to ride my bike with out them. In those days a bike was a big thing... I mean literally it was big! much bigger then me. Anway; I had their big brother take off my training wheels and I tried it; it took me several days. Sometimes I put them on again; had someone put them on... and then I would have them taken off again. and finally after one day; I rode for several hours with them off; and Bam! it happened; I was riding without them.
And thats the last time I would say I had a normal life...
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I was not being fed spiritually as a human being; well; I was going to church; I mean no family system. I had a house and a tv... I made some friends at school; started hanging out at their houses; they did not like it; but I did not know anything was wrong... I would unfortunately find out the horrible truth at some point.
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The rest of my life is filled with horror pain and misery. However; thats not the full story; it is the story; but somewhere deeper down inside me; I was hiding in the core... and lately more of that original self has realized he can come out or start the process of coming to the surface... its been happening lately; the last few days; Like the top is of the pressure cooker!
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Suddenly things have changed. I remember more of who I am from an early age... I remembered; but this is different; I mean; those memories have come back; they are part of me again; my original identity; parts of it; the important parts...
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God is making it possible for me to have my original self from the beginning; as if I get to re look at and feel everything from the beginning and reprogram everything... I get to be at the beginning of my life again; and simply work with God and start again from 4-5 years old. And I mean this; that's exactly what is happening. The time I watched TV shows that matter when young; 4-8 years old. Most definitely 5-7 years old... Something. 5-6 years old. 6 years old? I get to start from this point.
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For a time; Tv shows and specials taught me about the magical world I wanted to be a part of when I grew up and I kept it to myself. I kept my dreams and fantasies and my future aspirations to myself.
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Amnesia;
I have had another spiritual awakening... I still have Dissociative disorder and developmental trauma disorder; PTSD CPTSD; AVPD; forms of Agoraphobia and dysthymia.. Phobias... some addiction problems... Drug n alcohol abuse fitting the levels of the PTSD problems... On the edge of trouble when younger; Got a taste of drug addiction and alcoholism; but in both cases it was cut short; it was a God thing... Still; shook me up enough to go into the recovery process for all of these things; within the 12 step group systems and never leave. I don't use anymore; After hurting my brain from drugs and later hitting levels of alcoholism; I was done; to scary for me... Time to get help for all things; and I did and I have...
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Amnesia; What is Dissociative Amnesia? In the real world. It sucks; it wont kill me; but its one horrible ride.. However, as I get better and the amnesia lifts; It means I can feel the pain; that is good; suddenly I can feel the deep pain barrel out of me; and I can feel the freedom within my soul because Im expressing things again; my feelings; they are owned by me; not some abuser from the past within my nervous system and mind.
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I spent my whole life holding everything in; never showing or telling anything about my inner self... It added up through the years and imploded on me when I was being abused. And I turned into a psychotic monster sociopath... Im better now... much better; really. Very lucky; but want more recovery from closed down feelings. I just want to be myself again.
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I can feel the pain; but not allowed to know where its coming from or what year or events. Is it from limerence; creating false fantasies about people I wanted in relationships and I got thrown away and hurt; is it about sexual abuse and being captive and controlled; all my human rights taken from me; no boundaries respected. (Rejection) or Bullies; Bullies in schools; bullies at the work places. Is it about relatives that didn't want me anymore; never claimed me after my parents got a divorce; I realized I was never wanted by anyone; I was not wanted by those relatives in the first place; never considered family... Was it about fake friends that never wanted me and threw me away at some point. Women I loved; only to find out they never loved me or wanted me near them or they were trying to murder my inner child out of contempt and hatred from the start. it was all in my head. No one wanted me. Failed school life. No future... Nothing. No work life; destroyed... All dreams gone; everything gone. Amnesia is still blocking me; Im better tho... But I still have a long long way to go...
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Im feeling the pain. But what is it from. Its great that Im feeling the freedom of repressed pain opening up and shooting through me; I can feel it from the center of myself. Its fantastic; I just want more of it; its freeing me so the original me and my original self and memories are starting to show up has the main fixtures in my inner being; not the abuse as the major fo... Well; Abuse damage is abuse damage; I guess Im saying Im turning a new leaf? That's an old saying...
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Everything is good; this is great; I just want more of it; I desire more opening up; and feeling again and coming back to myself; it means I own my own feelings again and they are starting to shine through. I just want more of it; Ive got lots of damage and I want things to shine through. More release from Amnesia please.
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I just want more of this; My original self shining through and the past worked through and my original self taking over again.
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ACTIVITIES/WORK
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God has taken my interest in Plastic model kits and magically moved it forward. I was interested in ships; had a desire for it; suddenly after buying a few more; I got this feeling of large sailing vessels from the 17th century; Pirate Ships and the May Flower and stuff like that...
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Well; I always wanted to buy them; but never felt good enough or ready to go into that traditional stance; but I did get their. I bought some. And suddenly; later; I started watching Youtube stuff on those kinds of boat buildings and I started watching something new manifesting; Wooden boat model construction and right from the beginning I knew I Was in. I had always been in; within that; but never ready or felt the atmosphere was safe; but I do now and because of it; Wooden boat building has appeared.
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I will say this; Im only a beginner plastic model kit builder; Ive only made 5. So; Ill be working with plastic models for a long time and start making plastic boats; but at some point in the future; Wood will show up around me... Not yet; but Im all ready seeing it as an identity.
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And I realized; The work ethic within wooden boat building is a strong disciplined work ethic; Perfect; just what I was asking the universe for. Wooden boat building gives me the experience to learn how to use a work ethic to finish a disciplined project...( being mentally ill destroyed all work abilities; shattered everything; could not participate anymore; could not finish anything; could not interact with anything or get close to anything; could not trust anything). And thats whats been missing. I mean; a new way of life... working at wooden boat model kits... Being part of the wooden boat model kit builders world... Ive always known its for me! It fits me perfect... Its from God!
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I believe this will spill over into Art and Music. Ive been to scared to apply myself to Art and Music; its got to many horror connections with the past and past abusers... I think God is creating new paths for me to strengthen me.... And thus strong; I can start to apply that work ethic in new ways... Thats what I think is happening. Ill keep working with God on it.
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NOTE: Im having problems with some women. Im not interested in them; but I get the impression they think I am. These people and their need for attention! They want my attention. I dont want to give it to them.
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I do still need and I still want a girlfriend. Hopefully it will happen; but it will happen with someone who is safe...
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Im afraid the women who are attention seekers are not safe people... I dont want; I dont want them around me.
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Im kind of 2 faced on this. When a guy doesnt have a girlfriend; I dont want any women around me! I want to be established with other guys in a group and then wait on God for the right women to have as girlfriends. I dont want anything else to do with women; Only the ones Im going to date; No one else!
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