July 2025
June 2025
Ill continue this series; doesn't look like Im done yet as God opens things up for me.
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At a meeting today; got it out; Ive been developing steadily; I was attacked today at a meeting(
verbally ); it happens when I say something that will get me further. I talked about women as I usually do; or relationships; I mean; seriously; if that is my problem Im dealing with then thats what Im going to talk about.
I mentioned that in my past with relationship; no women I can think of cared about my logic or my logical way of thinking.. She didnt care if I thought I was right or I was waiting for her to think like I think and show up magically to make things right. ( someone was bothered because they claim I said something negative about the way women think or their abilities or lack of); I just ignored it; I must remember; im not in a therapy group; but Im using it as free therapy... so its never free; always a cost. At the end of the meeting; I still got out what God wanted me to get out...
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Women did show up and try to help;
In fact; several times they did... but I was caught exposed for my lies and ran off... i still shut down... I could not tell them what was going on. Neither could I go after women I actually wanted. I just have never done it before.
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What a women wants? When Im in that courting process; she wants me to follow through; thats what she wants... That means I tell her how I feel or tell her what I want. Ive got to respond! What she does with it at that point is up to her. Im not suggesting women like me; Im suggesting ill never know what anyone wants if I dont tell them what I want...
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My problems can be honed down to a few things... 1#; the wrong women. #2; Not following through with the courting process...
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Ill focus on problems with #2. I have major problems following through within the courting process; half way through I shut down. I do not follow through; I do not tell someone how I feel about them. An alternative solution would be sitting down with them and explaining that I am interested in them but have a hard time telling them my feelings while in the courting process. Fessing up the problem; maybe they can help.
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My past is riddled with these problems; with women God sent me or I think sent me; and waited for me to follow through; but I never did.. And finally the women ( Not having a clue why I was around them; what I was doing around them; what I wanted); they finally wrote me off and left; Womens scorn then sets in. For the situations that didn't matter much; It wasn't that bad. For women I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with; it was devastating. If I could have told them how I felt; things would be different; They finally got tired of me and left. THey didnt want to hang out with me ever again. Had no more interest in me. Well; One might say I should find women with more depth; and maybe when I get better from being paralyzed from trauma; I will; and that day is very close...
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Im aware that someone could suggest that if a women who actually liked me enough knew I had a problem; she would attempt to help; well; I never had any women that attempted to help. Not really. Maybe that's a clue to find better women. Could be... Ill talk to God about it.
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REAL SOLUTIONS; Mature women!
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It starts with finding the right women... Having God bring me the right women. Not someone 2 faced; but someone genuine..... Ive had numerous women see no value in me. I mean; My God I was around them; My soul was open to them; yet; later; given their own merits; they had no problem saying I was worthless or I meant nothing to them; and saying it was pride! Unbelievable. I mean seriously; Before I blame anyone; Ive got to really look at what kind of people I want to spend time with and go after that specific kind of person or people and leave the rest alone. My first requirement is; I dont get around people who talk Like I just mentioned; suggesting honest decent people are trash or worthless or I mean nothing to them; why would I spent time with idiots like that! But I did... And thats Got me worried; In fact; so much so; I stopped dating. I just could not go on anymore concerning women. I stopped at a very very young age and never returned. I simply am shocked by what Ive seen. No possible way I would not only never date these people; I dont ever want this kind of filth around me; in my life or associating with me.
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I gave up on ever finding anyone that was decent; I just stayed to myself for the rest of my life...
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I dont ever want to be with someone that changes their mind on me... I dont want that kind of monster around me. Im not looking for an opportunist. Im looking for a genuine person when it comes to relationships.
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Ive had women I liked; their were no better or worse women; No one to dump or for me to day ( They meant nothing to me); Ill tell Christ that the women he sent me wasn't good enough and I want someone better; that should go off very well!
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Ive notice with these opportunists; They want something better? No! They want something more evil! Because mor evil is better to those kinds of sycophants.
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So; why was I trying to date a sycophant... And their it is; the major area of my problems. I just gave up when young; I never even got started; No one ever apricated me or ever saw any worth in me; saw nothing in me; nothing!
The key for me is to be with someone who is understanding and compatible; Certainly sent by God!
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Lets assume I have someone half way possible to work with; So; Ill have to follow through with the courtship... Ill have to practice the courtship process with others for the fun of it; they would know whats going on; and practice and look for where Im getting stopped from past trauma...
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I have to learn; that if things dont work out; move on; let it role off my back and work with God to find others until a match occurs..
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I dont want to get hurt anymore then anyone else.
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And I will learn to talk to the person Im with about it...
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I dont know why all of this has to be so damn hard!
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So; Ill work on this...
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Ill focus on this...
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I realized; when it came time to tell someone how I felt; I become defensive and angry and refused to do it; This has to do with my mother and father and become defensive to stay alive.... So; I have allot of work to do here...
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My Goal in the 12 step groups has been; I want to talk about relationships and problems surrounding relationships until I can get a grip on things and take care of things myself.
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My mental illness problems stopped my experiences and growth in these areas and I need to go to meetings and bring this stuff up until Its kind of back in my life again. I have no brothers to work with anymore; Im not in my childhood home anymore. so.....
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Ive been in dissociative disorder most of my life and most of my life has been cut off from people. Im a late starter with everything...
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Im working with God and will continue.
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I pray I get some of the basics things out of life before I die of old age... Most things I was cut off from in an early age and in my past life never got to be part of...
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I guess I could go on; but I think this blog is finished...
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NOTE: Ill say it again; Im getting close to finishing my processes concerning dating or courtship problems or romantic relationships; bringing the problems up in 12 step groups. And Ill be so happy when I do... its getting closer; I can feel it.
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MUSIC AND ART; I brought music and art problems up for years and years and finally when I started to return to myself; the universe began to give me answers to these problems; I no longer need to bring them up anymore at meetings; Im looking for the same closier concerning romantic relationships.. Im getting closer; closer to the answer; and when I have the answer processed; I can start working on it outside the meetings and dont need to bring it up at the meetings anymore; This does not mean I dont have the problems; I do; but I wont have to bring them up at meetings.
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