July 2025
June 2025
.
.
Things are changing...
.
One thing I notice is resistance. Im getting allot of resistance as I get better; it doesnt matter; but Im seeing allot of idiot trouble makers around me causing problems for me; This means Im starting to break through to the other side and they dont want to let me out of the box... Ive been through this many times before...
.
.
Today and yesterday; I was kept from speaking because they allowed others to go on to long for the meeting... Taking to long...
.
I really needed to share; These are not friends of mine nor do they care what happens to me. They are not suppose to play games with people in the meetings but the chair people at times are worse then criminals... If Im going to hang out at these places; things can go wrong; But this is a sign; twice in a row...
.
.
.
POSTIVE NEW SIGNS; Women;!
.
I was watching this women walking from across the street; she was on the side walk walking; I was glancing over at her while heading down the church lawn to the meeting; No big deal; just bored...
.
Suddenly I felt it. I looked at the women and I felt it; it was a kind of friendliness with no walls up. This is what Ive been working toward for years and years. It lasted a few seconds but it kind of stayed around; this feeling lingered. I realized that the Trauma bond fantasy bond; some part of it was not present.. or letting the walls down and more friendly... If that makes sense. In real sense; that means Im getting closer to sanity and being ( At som epoint in the future) to dressing sanely and looking and acting presentable in front of others; not crazy guy who is anti social and angry and flipped out... wearing last years clothing thats never been washed because I could care less...
.
So; Again; this is social movement forward... This is social movement forward toward relationships; it means Im s bit of me is not in the protective fantasy bond... Its slipped open a bit; Im dealing with the real world outside a bit and not a representation of one in my head where I dont know the difference between fantasy and reality.
.
For most of my life; its been a representation in my head; thats where I've gone; and for many many years I did not know that; I did not know I was going to my head; fantasy; I thought I was in reality. Now that I somewhat know the difference from dissociative disorder; Im starting to show signs of moving forward.
.
RELATIONSHIPS:
Some tinny signs but significant signs; are showing movement forward. Ive seen it; Im a witness to it; it wasn't trauma bond controlling or putting up a wall... I was not looking at a wall; I was looking out into reality... meaning I was out in reality; not behind a trauma wall of plexiglass; one that looks like reality but is not; its just a representative of reality. Or Im being blocked from going any further in reality...
.
So; real but small and small or what ever; but its real; it might be a sliver of something; but its real; its the reality Ive been working toward for some time.
.
ACITVITIES or what others can call WORK occupations or............
.
The most recent importance of this would be the idea of moving forward in my music....
.
How would that show up; I being practicing Major Minor scales and arpeggios and 3rds and Hannon scales and at several octaves
Also; and extremally important; The ability to begin the process of writing Bach style fugal music.
.
This means what it means; It means some how I would be doing these things now; on a daily basis; up to speed.
Heres the deal; Its been going on for a little while now.
.
I just some how fell into it; It was open; I started practicing scales and such again on the Piano; its a sign of reality of sanity of manageability. Im working with 3rds and arpeggios and major minor scales and Hannan exercises; Not to many Hannons tho; I have a full course meal dealing with 5 Hannon exercises. Im not playing all 5 yet in anymore then C key. I am playing a few in C# major key... and maybe one or 2 in D major. But thats it because it takes allot of time to play Hannon; getting the fingering correctly so I have to go really slow and it takes lots of time. SO; the goal would be 5 Hannon exercises in all major minor keys. ITs not tht I cant do them; but its just so much time... thats allot. The arpeggio practice is also the same; Its slow going. Anyway; but its being done and I dont think Im going to stop. Im not going stop because sanity has come back to me just a bit.
.
As for writing Bach style counterpoint; This is not my first Rodeo doing this. However, Im writing it to perform it; play it so its got to be more spot on; not just experimental. And how is it; How is it to write Bach style fugues? HARD! LONELY! SLOW! TIREING!
.
When writing fugues; with the goal of 3 voice fugue when I get good enough in the real world; writing for piano to be performed. My work sounds like a First Grader. I mean; it will take a long time before anyone can here any coherence of delineated independent voice structures of a sophisticated means. Its super slow writing. I like the idea of one voice criss crossing another and for the left hand and right hand to be reversed; Left hand in upper voice; Right Hand in lower voice. Also to write fingering and notes correctly when they criss cross; this is very confusing unless one sits at a piano and learns how to work it out. And I've been looking into that exploration for sometime; the interest of such things and Ive been writing; so; Things have already started for me.
.
So; things are moving forward.. They just are.
.
As for Activities; This manifestation has happened; 100%; things are happing and have moved into this realm.
.
As for relationship; Slivers that cannot be denied are showing up... They are of a new manifestation that wants to occur. It will take much more time I think for relationships; we will see; because I have to come back to reality and sanity; and that means cleaning up apartment; clothing and self; getting back into shape; losing weight; being able to talk to people on my feet again and feel good about myself while doing it. ANd God is growing me in his Garden; So; we will see what happens here.
.
After getting mad in another meeting; its not a pysch meeting; they dont care if I speak or not; sometimes time runs way out before I get a chance... I get mad and leave and the members; some are sociopaths sadistically based... make the process sickening and useless.
.
I got home; called a friend and took his dog to the reservoir park area... Got something to eat... I talked allot about my goals slowly showing up... little bits of them.
.
Im wanting to get my original self back socially; a women walked by us at the parking area; she was with a friend; I thought; OK; how do I feel; do I feel defensive or dissociative and Im much better; not perfect; but better.
.
My goal is to stop being so schizophrenic socially and learn how to talk to people again; skipping so many 12 step groups.
.
ART WORK;
Its possible; Im not in reality with it yet; to be able to do something with it; but if I keep this work up Im doing; hopefully some walls will come down into reality again and Ill be able to interact with others again.
.
NOTE: I notice when re reading this concerning ART WORK; Im seeing old junior high school memories of being scared fear and bulling and flunking out with no one their to help me... Nothing. I also noticing these thoughts weakening. Meaning; new better thoughts are attempting to get in and take over my brain.
.
I have this friend of mine; Hes the last person in the world that should have a girlfriend.; but he does and shes cute. He a narcissist... Im confused; but Ya know; there ya go; He has no social walls like I do... he is not defensive.
.
Im beginning to realize the 12 step rooms are truly a kind of a therapeutic crude councilor session created by general people of need for specific kinds of spiritual help of all kinds; No therapist; just us. And no rules accept the basic hand books of the fellowship one is attempting to copy... many times it works; However, time runs out and not everyone gets a chance to talk. Or weirdo's show up who ruin everything. Or criminal based people hide out and claim recovery process is their only motive... and so on...
.
NOTE; Im a tuff guy. I would not recommend 12 step groups for the general public to go in and start acting like they are safe therapy sessions; Good Luck with that. However, coda meetings and Emotions anonymous; maybe. But more hardcore style meetings; Good Luck! if I earn the right; all the more power to me. Ive dealt with plenty of jealous weirdo's; I still am right now... and Ive deal with a few truly dangerous people... No regard for human law or judicial law; nothing; pure psychopaths; sometimes out of the State pens... right off the boat...
.
.
My goal is to become middle class aware present and social. Living at least at the middle class level of frequency... THats what all this work is about; getting me back to a decent life I can believe in again.
.
Problem. Everything I ever loved is gone. My FIrst Love is the hardest part.. I mean; if I can; Ill have to forget about her; if you know what I mean. I was never suppose to be with anyone else. Ill have to keep working with GOd. To walk away from the inside of me is like seeing her stranded on a sinking ship; turning and walking away. I cant do it. But I can.. I mean; I can and I will because its just a murage. But this is so heartbreaking because Im a decent person who is forced to do so many indecent things at a low levels; decisions and I just want my good life back... SO; Ill have to trust God.
NOTE: My first love is gone because I could not communicate anything of who I was or why I was. No human being can be expected to deal with someone like me in that situation; no one born could; maybe Jesus and thats it because one would have to be a complete mind reader... So; I was to scared to open up; I was trauma bonded and destroyed and shut down; my nervous system. I needed real help. And going to that girls house was a way out; a pleading for help.
.
Im heading toward middle class level; I have no idea how Im going to arrive their but thats what I want... I want to go back home please.
.
As for work or activities; already happening... I just have to keep at this beginning process; its showing up in music; its conservative and its work ethic and its inline with the universe. Its been manifested; so Im going in the right direction and its being created by me and God... So; no one else. Ive wanted this for a long long time and Ive stepped into it...
.
When Im ready; standards will change; For example; Im eating basically diet athletic food now; Ive worked my way into it. And Im on my bike again and will continue to do so to loose weight.
.
THe work ethic at the piano has changed. It looks like something a classical guy would practice; not a rock guy...
THe standards are changing because I naturally allow them to; I dont do things before their natural time; and the universe makes things happen and suddenly its upon me. Im writing music again but this time to perform.
I have a keyboard at home and I have one at the meeting place for 12 step groups I can use to practice and sing... ALtho I have a singing booth at home; I just have to get it set up when ready.
.
=====================================================================================
.
OKE; TO end this round; Work related activities with creating new music and practicing the piano and creating Plastic model kits is doing OKE; doing well; and developing OKE.... Good! I mean; Yes! Its incredible to see progress forward or consistent in this area. its a miracle.
.
Relationships; Now we get into massive problems...
.
When I was a kid; I was very sensitive; I just wanted a best friend and a girlfriend. THe Mother Father situation destroyed everything. I was scared out of talking... It was a kind of implied; all my childhood personal things would be exposed to others; my whole life would be thrown away and discarded and exposed to others; nothing was sacred; nothing was safe. Death fear... An implied concept that I would be given away or thrown away abandon... And not realizing it; I was completely alone... I never really understood that when really really young. I spent most of my time at my friends house or in my backyard or in the basement or in my room....or locked in the fantasy of TV shows and movies and specials... I lived in my own person world; and then it was shattered.. On purpose; their never was anyone on my side or creating a life for me; I was doing it all.
.
.
SO; here I am. IF a Coastguard boat came and threw out a life raft; I would never take it; I dont want to know. I would rather drown then get on the boat and be saved and have to feel again; take the chance of feeling again in a relationship.( being pulled back into that big organic interacting world of emotions between unsafe people). I just cant... or wont; its way to over the top; but thats where I kind of am... pain.....
.
I dont want to be in any relationships... I dont want my emotions hacked to pieces.. I dont want my soul raped and ripped to pieces... Ive been ruptured raped and murdered that way; I dont want it! Why would anyone want to murder the inside of another human being they hardly know! Or really dont know anything about!
Im not sure what kind of monsters this society has created... Its not safe to be in a relationship with anyone...
.
My relationship situation is shattered and destroyed; stripped and fractured to the point of no return I think; Im a culmination of fragmentation. How can I heal from any of this; its insane...
.
How could I trust anything that moves ever again... How can anyone...
.
I was at a meeting tonight and I just kind of threw the relationship thing out on the table. If I can heal up in this next level of things; maybe I might have a chance; its up to GOd.
.
I cant incur anymore damage. I never thought anyone would want to destory me but they all wanted to destroy me; Its insane... !
.
I got to the point that I couldn't have sex with anyone; I didnt trust them! ( BUt I realise now I could talk to them)
.
How do I turn this whole thing around. That's what Im working on.
.
Id have to work with God and just let knew things happen... I guess slowly... just kind of move into a time of dating and relationships I guess. SO much pain! Fear and panic...
.
.
.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
.
NEW INFORMATION
.
SO; at a meeting; just gets better; Im sitting their; Im on one side of the long table. 6 women are 4 feet away on the other side; like a giant panel; and I get to talk with no cross talking strait at all of them about my women problems; and they cant do a thing about it or say anything; I talked at them got my feelings out about 4 times round.
.
Here is the culmination of that stuff;
.
First; THe Women in the past I liked; it wasn't their fault. First; if I chose to take out a loan from a loan shark company; like one on the internet for money; borrowing money; is it their fault. If I do and I run away and dont pay them back; is that their fault.
.
SO; I got involved with these women who did nothing to me. I refused to talk to them; they had no idea what was going on. SO; in some cases their behavior was over the top sociopathic. Did I stop and talk to them about it; no; I felt devastated; like; " This isnt a friend of mine; this person cant be in a relationship; impossible"; What did Sunny Jesus want me to do; I think GOd wanted me to sit the person down and be their councilor for a moment; tell them what I saw and recommend they get help; like counseling ANd to either walk away or to make an ultimatum to them; they either stop the behavior or explain it or Im gone...
I never thought about giving them a chance. Im not sure if I really was suppose to stick around; but I was suppose to talk to them about it; and direct them to help.
.
.
My Mother and Father are directly to blame for this; I was scared; had to shut down all communication and want to get away from that family system out of fear. I felt they were destroyers of people and I was afraid the same way civilians are afraid within a city thats being bombed and destroyed by enemy solders; its a kind of Death Fear... It is Death Fear and I wanted to escape that whole scene but didnt know how; they kept tripping us up; destroying anyway out.
.
So; I wanted secretly; I wanted a friend; someone I could start a new relationship with so I could have a new base; a new foundation of people or family and start over or new and escape. THe problem was; I had been so trauma bonded; I could not express or speak.
.
.
So; Im slowly getting it; slowly! Slowly learning how to talk in front of others and let my feelings out; The people in these meetings; lots of them are crazies; so they are crude undeveloped drunks or addicts or gamblers or violent offenders and or; the list goes on n on. ITs a kind of crazy place to talk psych shop but it does work most of the time its safe or OK if one is tuff enough for this type of ground work. I am; thus I do it all the time.
.
Im starting to realize; I have to learn to open up again; my feelings and learn to let them out and deal with the grief from the past that also shows up.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, idontknowatalll, streamlinevideo
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Relationship and work; #25
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.017s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.19
Time : 3.017s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.19