July 2025
June 2025
Is it possible to regain my early thoughts of my life; get them back even tho Im not in that neighborhood.
I speaking about getting my identity back.. Back before it was destroyed; Can I get ME back; I kind of think so… Just saying… Its a quest…
New Blog;
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Starting over…
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Im at that point of starting over…
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Im starting over… .
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Ive already connected to society. Its happened. How was it. It was a sobering experience.
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One goal was with guitar. One day; I would show up at someone elses house; another guitarist and I would show up and we would learn songs as a group and go play them live….
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The other day; for the first time in my life. I took a chance; I took my guitar as is; my limited experience as a beginner; I ended up at someones house; and we played guitar and songs of interest; Together…. All afternoon. All my weaknesses exposed
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Looking in the merrier; accept and like what you see or parish.
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A Thought; I have to look in the merrier and be willing to work with that guy completely if I expect anyone else to.
Problem; Pride and Ego; Still think Im the King; that Ego has to go. I have to come back to reality… and Im working on it; back down to ground level or no one will be able to work with me!
How bad do I want it!
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What does this mean; it means I had to take a look at myself. I Seriously cant play one song. I know no lyrics to any song. I can hardly play guitar but I know a few chords… and Thank God; a few Barre Chords and some strumming. It was enough to play along with this guy at his house and end up singing a few pop songs.!
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The point is; to sit with another person in a room and feel like a complete loser because its getting exposed that Ive done nothing with my life; nothing! This is an experience no one wants to miss… “ Its pure torture. And anyone that can handle the fool brunt of such things; my hat off to ya. I did it because it was suddenly upon me and I couldn’t escape.
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And this will go on for 20-40 minutes; the worst horrible feeling in the world; slammed to the ground, and another 20 minutes later; ground’d into powder and dismantled at the base; lowest level of a deep unwanted lake… Whats it feel like to be ground into gravel; thats its only purpose to old up mountain bike tires of drunken teenagers as they and then thug bunch go to the lake…
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Its a true right of passage; and Im not sure everyone can handle it; I swear; Its enough to make a man drink!
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What has happened to me in my life; Well; Ive lived off a dream fantasy land Unicorn purple universe All of my Life. It rolled back onto itself and I never left the inner realm where I was fed by my own morbid reflection; I just looked at my reflection all my life; never ventured out. The times I did; I got slaughtered in all directions… SO; I never thought I was good enough or worthy to be in reality.
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And when I work with God and ask the right questions; and God brings needed support that I participate in and learn to trust over time;
Fantasy land dies or its pulled out from under me; Suddenly the realization that nothing in my head exists in the real world. And with work and luck and God; Im pulled back into the backyard of regular life once again; in reality; where; I do something it counts; I can show for it. I can feel it see it spend it. Ride it; fly it; touch it…
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shattering the illusion yesterday at my friends house while playing guitar; the beginning of connection;
All the fantasies Ive lived off; all my life; They don’t exist in the real world; nothing! Zero; and to feel it and be cornered with that; was enough for a nervous break down.
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So; whats it like to survive this realization; being slammed with it with no place to run; whats it like to suddenly realize my laziness has turned me from “Strong Stone” to a poisoness pond made of stagnation n contamination.
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Well; by facing atleast one or 2 experiences where I broke out and ended up at someone elses house and started over; and I did; suddenly my confidence has soared upward. It suddenly took a boost of testosterone. A real one; for I earned it; and when I earn it I get paid for it… and this days payment was a real confidence earned. No one can take that away!
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Now that Ive officially “ Broken back into society”; things have changed a bit. They have changed because; I don’t have to “ BREAK” back into society; Ive already done it… its like a secret society of those who worked hard; hard enough to show up for the life interview; and they passed me!! I passed the test and the door opened; I had my entrance papers; Im now part of the organization.
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However; its only an entrance exam; But Its truly a big deal; a huge deal. But what comes next is working with God to accept participation life.
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In many areas; to get back on my feet.
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By breaking back into society; suddenly my goals are stronger then ever; Ive been on the right track; a track to fit into society; Im working toward having; The Wife The Family The house; The car; The money; The education; The talents; The Hobbies…. The Occupations. God of course fits into everything…
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I went from dreamer to real-deal-breaker in reality the hard way; but I survived; I made it back…Im on the deck of the ship; but not much further. In my Gods realm; I work under God and earn everything I want! Thats just the way it is. Not saying Im any good at; Just sayn. now what.
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Its like being let into the Gym; Great; I made it into the Gym; something I could not do for most of my life… oKe. OKE; Now what?
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At some point I have to start lifting some weights and start participating and growing… And that is a whole other animal!
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I made it through the test to get into the door; Now comes the next level of hardness; The hard part; to pic some areas; under God and just do them every day… No expectations; even if I want to call myself a loser the whole time! I wont but Ill feel that deep deep loser feeling like; “ Is this all Ive ever done in life”!
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For example; one of my biggest angers and fears is a Car… I never on my own seem to have enough money for anything. So I quit before I start; I quit in my head . That means I never learned how to make money or manage it. I never learned how to pic the right car and be responsible for it and take care of it… Ive had a spoiled attitude about everything; or a depressed attitude to go with it about everything; a discouraged attitude about everything. And an entitled attitude about everything.
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Now; I have the choice to change that and I am; and the first thing is to learn how to show up to things and practice.
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Why a negative attitude is so dangerous;
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NOTE: I aligned with Guitar music today; I saw Surf Green. I saw and felt a desire… a completions. An alignment; The goal is to have the same thing happen with a car…
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NOTE: TO Desire a car; a specific car alignment. Ill have to work with my higher power and inner being…
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Ive spent my life discouraged. And so I never did anything with my life; I told myself; whats the use. For example; “ Why go to the gym; whats the use; whats the point; I wont stick to it; I wont care and I wont bother”; because it wont work for me. I wont follow through.
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Well; if that is my attitude; right or wrong; I never get anywhere and my life slips away from me; And in all areas; thats what it did; it slipped away from me. Now; before I completely drawn; I caught it. And Ive put hooks into society; thus now Im not heading of the cliff or out to the sea; Ive been caught and am now getting pulled back into society; That means productive society… That means I believe in producing things to become the person I want to become; Its no longer; “ The Fantasizer”; My interest is in support within reality; anyway;
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The problem with fantasizing is morbid reflection; it creates feelings of extreme depth I can live off of; but its all stemming from a fantasy; nothing real; Its like living off of cardboard food that looks real but is made of cardboard; eat all I want; Ill never get fed. Ill just get more hungry.… That fantasy is has no connection to reality; all those feelings Im depending on are not based in reality; so I don’t go to reality and learn to handle reality; learn to manage in it or have success in it; I don’t have to; Im getting my feelings met some place else in some altered state…
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So; now that begins to change for me. And its is unnerving and scary. I have to work with God on what Im suppose to work on on a daily basis… This will allow me to learn how to work on what I want out of life a few realities a day… Ill be working my way back to my upper life… where Im real; under my feet and productive… I can feel it… This is a transitioning situation.
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Im not sure how; but; Some how; working with God and taking chances and getting connected again; has allowed me to believe I can build back my life.
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That one thing I needed to do; I did. That was work long and hard on the dream that someday Id be reconnected again…. And that I would be strong enough to show up; Well; I did it! Just as I planned.
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I mentioned the 20 minutes or 40 minutes of horror associated with being forced to look at myself and the whole of my past in the face; and I did; and I survived it; it went down after about an hour; so I survived; but it was true terror… Now Im back…. Horror… glad it leaves…
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So where do I go from here. I think Im suppose to work on things; practical things of purpose; and learn to finish them without any reward; I do them because I say Im going to do them; and my word is good enough; And I have to learn to do this… it tuff’ns me up and that's what I need.
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Back to the Car thing;
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The Car thing is one of my biggest testosterone losing ordeals Ive got; because Ive avoided it; I haven't done the work for it. Im learning; A deep aligned desire is motivating… I need a car that is aligned with the universe and my inner being.
I assume because its associated with sexual abuse; Thats the main problem of not finding a car of interest. the abusers and the time period and the time period of my life had a great affect on how I viewed society; what age Im suppose to grow….
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The Car thing requires that I learn through God and success based thinking on how to get a car and take care of it… pay for it; where do I get the money; Do I tell myself to just stop dreaming about a car; NO; I work with God on how to get the money for the car. And that for me; that is a hard thing…
but Im not suppose to stop dreaming about what I want; Im not suppose to stop desiring what I want just because I don’t know how Im going to get it. Instead; I need to strengthen what I want and then work with God; after I know what I want; and work with God to go get it… to have God bring me to me any way I can get it! And that is the work; to have a successful attitude in the face of the unknown; learn not to quiet… Learn to continue regardless; just work with God for new avenues of opportunities.
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Its truly scary right now. I will continue all of this… Very lonely scary feeling. Man o man. Ill be praying on how to come back to myself and to society…
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I have friends.
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Music creation is going to be a big part of it. Learning songs working with others; Seriously; I don’t need to go any further to learn how to show God faithfulness. Am I faithful; will I show faithfulness in a few things; meaning; will I be faithful in the smallest things; if so; God will graduate me to the bigger things but I have to start with the small things...And their it is.
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However; we are talking bout going out into the real world now! This is not dreamy world or Disney land Woke channel; or purple unicorn martian candy land; This is the real world. When Im in the real world build; Thats where; what I create has meaning. Im not suggesting I cant do massive strengthening work in my imagination; I can; and that kind of work is necessary for achievements;
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Living in purple unicorn villa will not work. Im already finding my way out of it; beyond it; I may have already stretched far above it.
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NOTE; Im in a world of support groups; I have the 12 steps, sponsors, people, God…
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Think of Disney Land Channel fantasy unicorn land; Think of it as this safe place that a person gets trapped in. they are always emotional within it.. >but its never a place of creating or developing. Instead its a place of just feeling over n over n over resentments… it always moves back in on itself… I stray trapped in it for ever. Soon; I can get out; I cant deal with the changing landscape of reality; I would be so far behind; I could never do it; never just jump ship; jump out into the world and expose who I really am.
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HOWEVER: THATS EXACTLY WHAT I DID! AND NOW: IM BACK… ITS A BASIC LEVEL: BUT IM BACK IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD! IM BACK AND ITS EARNED IN GODS SOVEREIGN STATE: UNDER IT…
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A broken person can stay in that false chutes n ladders candy-land safety for ever until their dead.
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IN MY PRESENT SITUATION;
My situation is like this.. Imagine A Dam; concrete. Grand coolie Dam. Im the water on the other side of the dam that is being kept in an invisible disney land channel unicorn fantasy land. It keeps the water on that side of the dam.
So; my independent nature and personality and identity; where is that? Well; my identity represents the water as well. I am headed strait to the concrete wall of the dam and now the dam is breaking; In some sections; the water has busted through and overflowed way beyond the walls of the dam. If I am water behind the dam; Now Im well out in front of the dam after busting parts of the dam down and breaking through… And Ive made inroads far down the river where new life exists and new experiments and new procedures and new people and places and things reside and prosper… If I keep this up… Ill head down the river to the ocean blue and a bran new life!
My imagination can run through many scenarios and I can work them on paper; writing and drawing and visualizing in FP POV… Its allot of work; It will pay off. I can create new stories as if Ive already got what I wanted or desired. If I do enough of those stories; I start believing them… However; thats a tremendous amount of work; better get working!
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SO; that is whats happening; Im waking up. And my most promising attribute is to learn through God how to stay awake and stay awake and grow and build and develop and stay awake and grow and……….
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Im nerve wracked right now.
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I have friends.
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The negative realities right now
I also have stalkers that are bothering me and I am getting closer to dealing with them; as I work with God. Id have to call the authorities; Im much closer to doing so…. Slowly getting their…
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The key is to trust God keep praying and keep working on what I want; My desires.
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CARS
CAR; This is truly the biggest problem of belief. I have to believe Ill have enough money for the car and the bills and insurance gas maintenance; licensing. And I mean this; its so boring for my immature brain to handle. Someone has to take responsibility for it; Or; I start asking for a rich Grandma to show up; and that could happen… either way; I have to grow up and become responsible.
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My inner being has to want it. And my inner being I have to get in touch with my inner being to know what to do. My inner being knows what to do. ( I also pray). But Im not communicating or listening at that level. So; I have work to do in this area; I start feeling sorry for myself and think the universe must not like me. This tells me I haven't done enough work to break through the morbid reflection… it means Im still living in and on emotional world; and that is useless as for making decisions; In other words I want to believe; that's what I want and Ill have to work for ever last penny of worth to get it. And so Im asking God for help;
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NOTE: What Im actually saying here is; I have taken responsibility for a full picture of what I want. Instead; I see myself as a young teenager asking my Grandmother for a car. That wont work now. For me Under God; God wants me to take a different direction of responsibility; God does not want me working with a Grandmother God wants me working with the Universe; working with God…. I have to learn to do things for myself; meaning dealing with the creator; God; myself and learning to trust and God and work with God until things come… Stop blaming others and spend more time creating new stories about what I want from the universe until I believe Im going to get them.
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NOTE: Do I believe Im getting a car? Do I believe the money for the insurance will show up? Do I now what kind of car I want? Do I feel any kind of alignment with my inner being concerning cars…
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Cars;
Are directly associated with sexual abuse; That is one of the big problems ( learned helplessness) but I must work with God.
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Plus; It scares me; It really does; its way over my head; my maturity; my monthly allotment of money… I mean. I seriously do not know how I would afford to drive a car; Notice I didn’t say afford a car; I said the cost for day to day driving; gas maintenance; upkeep; licensing, insurance… Ill take all of these things to God and work on all of them.
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I have to have the wish fulfilled. I must come back to a place of believing…
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Maturity is a main problem…
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We will see; Ill keep working with God and humbling myself. I suppose many scenarios can occur to make it happen in Gods kingdom; I just have to get so very lowly under God and not hoddy all mighty and high up on the emperor thrown that God cant do anything for me. That seems to be one of the big problems; A close mind when it comes making mature decisions… dealing with cars…
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The key with cars; keep bombarding it with work of new stories and pathways for opportunities and prayer and mediation until it opens up; open things up…
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I have to look at this as being my responsibility…
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I have allot of work to do concerning manifesting a car and continuous money for that car to be ran. That is the goal here… I have allot of sharp corners to work on concerning this…
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