July 2025
June 2025
NOTE; Prologue;
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PTSD WHEN WILL YOU SET ME FREE.
SO much shame. I have to stop and work on that shame; and even tho I feel all that shame; I have to learn to talk to people anyway; and I mean it. PTSD causes such problems; I don’t feel worth anything to anyone. I cant blame others for not wanting me or liking me. I don’t blame them to see me as disease to stay away from… My parents didn’t want me…
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So; I have to work over it anyway and meet people anyway…
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So; I have to work through all of this…
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I was on my bike; And 2 regular adults were in their yards of a very nice big tudor house. I could have gone on the sidewalk by them and just said hi; but I felt to embarrassed because of having nothing. I felt so shameful; like I didn’t fit in or wasn't good enough. Like I was a disease or had one.
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Ive always thought it laughable that girls would like me; theyd never like me once they knew what I was like. Theyd just laugh at me and my situation and walk away.. Theyd take no interest in a poor guy. Where I didn’t fit in. where I wasnt good enough.
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So; something is changing. Im wanting something different enough to fight for it. Im worth more then this. And I want to live. I want to learn to fight for it; not be drown in shame and sorrow and indifference because of my poverty. Where my mind is stuck.
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I don’t just want to get better; I have to participate in it. And that is where Im having problems from dissociation; its to strong to avoid. And I get totally confused on what to do. What the solution is.
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Im dissociating bad while writing this.
So; I can feel some changes tho; to face things I couldn’t before. I can see it; I have to take it to God and work with God to get over it… And feel good about myself even if I think others don’t or don’t care. I have to work on liking myself because I like it and want it and stand up for it. Man o man its so hard. With this condition.
Still; Im never doing anything with my life; or anything I like to do; I would like that to change. And I would have to trust God with all of this and let God use his eyes to see…
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However; I have generalized goals; Wife Family Children, House, drum room; car, car insurance,. Money. So; I have practical goals I can head toward and work toward. And see results. The Fear; the Terror, The no self esteem. Feeling like I don’t have a chance; feeling like a loser. Feeling no good; feeling horrible shame. No one would want me. Im considered a loser in society. So; its like being in a rock and a hard place.
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SO; I avoided those people standing in their lawns because I felt like someone on the outside; not good enough; I felt shame; not good enough to even be present because I couldn’t complete with these people. I had nothing to feel good about; I just felt shame; I felt like a prisoner in my own country. I don’t feel like Im part of their world; those people. I felt like “ Why Bother” Just give up and go away… No one cares anyway… Whats the point; I cant face this; any of this poverty and the shame created by it…
I feel No good; but I can believe I can accept myself and learn to like myself. I feel like I have no strength; Im a weakling; Not very strong; I cant finish anything. I cant do anything other then ride a bike while my life disappears from underneath me. And I feel like a loser who cant complete. Someone who should feel shame…
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However; I want to feel good about myself and nto be controlled by people like this; and work through this stuff…
I feel trapped; No good. No good around others. Nothing; loser; worthless; no good. No one likes me; no one wants me; nothing! And other things; less then; humiliated.
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Where do I start…
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And Im going to work with God to change this; It hurts so much; but I think if I can face something anyway; and just keep working toward it; I think socially I can see it; and work with God and Im going to.
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Im now officially starting over; what does that mean;
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I have recovery
I have God
I have no past
Im on a very limited budget
I have a new identity; Caveman… I earn what I get one way or the other; no one owes me anything; I have no expectations… Thats what I will be growing into under Gods care. In addition to that; Ill be hunting for what I want; it will be my strong intent and workman ship that will get me somewhere in this life.
Im a work in progress…
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What are my Goals.
Wife Family Children
House, Drum room
Car, Car insurance
Money…
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What ever I want in this life; my desires; One way or the other; I will fully be working for them one way or the other; taking full responsibility to either work for them or work with God to supply them; but all of it will be up to me. And Ill be working for them 100% one way or the other; Pure personal responsibility. However; this is under God with Gods help direction and guidance and many others in the recovery system that are helping. I would never suspect to ever attempt anything alone…
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What I have going for me…
Fairly good direction in developing a good attitude..
Very strong Goals; specific goals that are aligned with God and self, inner being; spiritual guidance system and society.
A strong introductory understanding of Abundance and half a decent believe in the concept…
I think I can still attract women; Im a great conversationalist; well enough to listen think talk and express; and Ive got other traits… So….
Real world success stories in Relationships and Activities…
Activities; absolutely great relieving results; Im blocked at taking on a challenge of learning something in my interests… Its still hard work; but Im no worse or better then anyone else; Im good.
Relationships; Yes; Work in progress… Ive made many private movements forward…
Good eating habits and weight lose… I can now control my weight with very little exercise. Im still required to do some lite exercise. However; Ive shown that I can maintain and lose weight and keep it off… consistently.
Exercise. I love mountain biking; bicycles. Ive been a mountain biker for 25 years strait non stop. Its all great in my old age…
Music and Art Creation
Laws of attraction thinking processes based on the Book; “ Think and grow Rich; Napoleon Hill. This is a kind of business Bible for me; if I would read it more…
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Problems or challenges;
1. Money
2. Extreme low level maturity; No experience at higher acceptable levels of adult living; no development of these levels.
3. Developmental trauma disorder and many more handicaps of mental concerns…
4. I have a childhood full of defeat; God has given me a Caveman identity to hang onto as I go through this wilderness and get to the other side so I can believe again and have people places and things and a good belief system for an adult. As I go through this journey; not all days will be good; and Ill have to CaveTUFF; And hang on; not drop out. Ill have to hold the line at my frequency level. Im a Caveman Identity; Ive already used it several times; it works but its grueling to hang on; I have to keep working and developing this identity out in society that I survive and have success..
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Need to get into shape and stay in shape; This takes work; Still need to lose 15 pounds or something. However; Im doing well and can lose that amount no problem… I can
Staying thin at a very lite weight means much less eating; Ill have to become more disciplined.
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Exercise; Hurt shoulder; but now; even in the gym Im still able to exercise.
Exercise can be so boring… and I don’t always like the people I interact with.
Music and Art Creation. Altho Im now able to follow through with Music and Art creation; its still horrifically slow. And at times; non existent. I still have problems dissociating because of triggered trauma when creating music and Art; I still feel sorry for myself and remember when I was a kid and how I was (gypped ( spelling)… out of life. This can be overwelming; I don’t have allot of experience with Caveman identity or developed adulting. Im very much a newbee attempting to grow up.
Believing Im going to get everything I desire and am working toward… Actually being at the frequency of my goals without dropping out.. I wont drop out but Im going to get hit with rumination and feelings of feeling sorry for myself or feeling defeated before I starting
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Other problems;
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Social Development
Social position; Im old… And yet I plan with God helping and creating to have girlfriends and a finally a wife and start a family. The rejection process may be fierce; I might have to go through a lot of women…
Women can be insane. Its no fun being around these kind of people.
If I want much higher quality women; The higher up I go; the harder the fall when the rug is pulled out.
So; I better have lots of support and expect nothing; Im looking for whom God is sending me. Im just saying; I might get scorched several times ( numerous times) ( massive times) in the search party for my new life.
BAD PEOPLE; I have met jealous and sadistic people. Stalkers and worse. So. Getting some of this resolved will take courage…
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In general; Im scared.
Im scared Im not who I think I am in anyone elses eyes…
And Ill be working very hard under a kind of stress; working with God to find those peoples; those groups that do respect me….
As for women; same call; Ill need God to bring me into places and hot spots of people that can appreciate me. Ill keep working on it. And Im scared of the requirements… And Im scared of being rejected and taking a fall.
Women are about attraction; They are either attracted to me or they are not… Its that simple; So; Ill be working with God on that.
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What requirements am I looking for in a women; what kind of personality traits… That will be my first obligation; a more specific set of itinerary.
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Again; Im making the transition from boyhood to man… thats the best way to put it… will all its glory and falls… or what ever happens… Im OK tho… Keep working with God; Your will God not mine.
A large trek will be required. I have much God Pathway to travel and many things to learn down this pathway to get to my end destinations.
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One real goal is working on staying present and not dissociating and AVPD… and try to like myself and stay present and be myself. Its very very hard to stay present.. Im trying because I have goals I want within the middle of society life. So; God will help me slowly teaching me insights…
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