July 2025
June 2025
I just saw within my imagination the first of what may be the culprit with women concerning sex. Why cant I have sex with women. Just may have found it.
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First; assuming Im doing the work to get stronger and integration occurring with child and adult and connection work; visualization work Im doing right now with old relationships within my imagination; The continuation of this is of extreme importance.
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Next; it seems the problem is; and I just saw it. Im the adult when Im with a women and I suggest things to her and she thus suggests we have sex. At that moment sex is brought up; I switch back into the sexual abused older child and get into a fixed position of freeze mode of terror; I go silent and quite as if playing dead; pure fear. Next; In general; I go from an adult to a the child alter within me.. And once at the child level I just go away... If I can stay the adult; not switch out; I may be able to negotiate and take her home... Even suggesting this; I switch; I just switched. So; Im back or Im neither personalities; either the one wanting sex or the child switching into child mode.
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The point is; I have an idea and go after it; but then switch personalities and dont stay present and just go away... This right now is very hard to break... really hard; but Im working on it...
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So; Im getting a glimpse of what Im working with. I have to tell the person Im with; " my defenses are going up; I have to stay present"... and keep working with them... Its a start.. In fact; Im this way with a women regardless of sex or on a date or riding bikes; doesn't matter; I switch out. I can feel it.
It happens so damn fast; I mean; the first second Im Okey; and then suddenly bam..... A second later Im toast.
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I cant tell who is making the decisions within me at the time of meeting women... but I can feel it; it sounds like the child in me... and then when I want to ask her out.... its the teenager... The adult never seems to be present because the adult would never ask them out... I think the adult becomes present and stops the whole thing and then I think; Well; maybe this is a sign Im trying to go out with the wrong women.... The adult in me wants a whole other kind of women. The teen in me wants to have sex.. Not sure; accept I see the future... And the future is; I choose her; I get to know her; I have sex with her.
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And I think that is what Im looking for; to make a complete adaptation into my environment where Im at; Not be split up from adult to child... Where the adult is living now and the child is living during his experience when young... The goal is; we are all here now integrated...
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Im beginning to see bulling in high school; specific things are coming up; physically being controlled. I mean pinned to the ground without the ability to get them off; they were stronger then me; humiliating; helped to cause even more PTSD... I was forced; ridiculous to experience such things when I have an intelligent mind non used in the system; I was just destroyed their because I had no protection... nothing...
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So; Im asking God so I can figure out how to grieve this lunacy and madness... And how to see myself win against these opponents.
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Was at as mens meeting; Christian popular 12 step group; had dinner then fellowship; worship and mens meetings; about 10 guys; most regulars; for about 7 years now.. confessed everything Ive written in my blogs; or this blog and the last several blogs...
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I feel so much better after the work Im doing; my first love; her memories are starting to appear again where I was interactive and friends with her; Ive been writing; we are talking together in my imagination; Im learning how to sit down with her and tell her who I really am and who I really was the first day I met her; all of it. Im asking her if its OK; does she still like me or want me their; I was not in her league; I was not in anyones league; I was a throw away; Im trying to tell Here through my dialog writing as I play both parts; I confess who I am to her; over n over; because its really hard to get accurate about my feelings of why I am and where I came from and why I have a problem with it. My biggest issue is the Imposter syndrome; Im not who I claimed to be when I met her; but I never told her the first day. Now; I know better; I tell her the truth first and let her decide if she still wants me around. And this is very complex and will be dialoged in my imagination for a while until I know what it is Im afraid to tell her about myself; its about the part where Im unworthy because I was thrown away... that kind of thing... over n over; and Ill get in touch with what happened to me when young; all of it and tell her. Im trying to tell her who I am not; Im trying to just get honest about who I am... and it comes first before everything. next; I want her as a girlfriend. Im romantically interested in her; thats what Im doing there from the start and I will kiss her at that point. and talk about romantic stuff with her and having her as my girlfriend. Meaning after the fist week I've met her or couple of days or what ever; or even that night... Im their to be her boyfriend. Im also their to be her friend. And God is behind this and Ill tell her that..
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And so the dialog is starting with her; and this relationship will be fulfilled. This will take allot of work and I can already feel the pressure coming off me. Its been like Ive been an outlaw for years and years; 2/3rds of my life... no functioning; nothing. Now its all changing; At least in this one area. I have other areas ill work with God on.
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What does this mean from now one when meeting women that are interested in me. It means; when they say hello; Im not going into freeze mode; Ill still say hello; and if I like them Ill ask them out; tell them who I am and let them know Im interested in dating or romantic interest; I mean; thats the point of it and Im telling them right from the start of when its appropriate; common sense...
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I do attract women; At least up to last year; and they have always been much much younger than I. So; I have to explain myself to them right from the start or they wont know whats going on or my intentions; anyway; anyone reading this will understand... Its not going to be like before where its a silent treatment for 6 months until I know their safe. That has never worked; the women just leave and go out with someone else and write me off.
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(Women write me off);
Im not so sure God is not with them; those women interested in me were sent by God to help me but I didnt take their help. They tried for a long time to get my attention and then I pulled away from them; I didnt like what I saw in them. But I never talked to them. Many of these women were in the recovery process and may have been to sick for me to date; but still; I never talked to them And that has to change. I have to learn to interact with the people God sends... They would give me a few weeks but then start to pull away because I would say nothing to them.
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One Note; It may be time for God to bring me someone outside the recovery process; someone in the real world... a more middle class situation. Ill pray about it. Its possible that those other women were just their for me to experience these things; God set it up that way; and I was never suppose to ever get involved with them... And now things will be a bit different; and I will get better if I keep working with my imagination visualizing my first love until that is complete; At least it will be the first true real sign of change... It may just be the beginning; And head me into a new direction.. I dont know; maybe...
I dont know...
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I have many other things to work out as well; but I dont know what God will choose as the method. Meaning; the loss of my neighborhood and house as a child; and contact with relatives; that all died. Mother and father issues; loss of best friend in neighborhood... Not sure how God will restore me.
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Restoration of schooling; Who was I suppose to be...
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Restoration of talents; What was I suppose to create and for whom and presented in what way to the world...
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What and where am I suppose to be and doing what with my life. And what about my wife?
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Money?
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keeping my apartment clean... Im an avoider with PTSD; so; At times things dont get cleaned for a years when Im agoraphobic within my bedroom...
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So; what am I suppose to do within the world. And how can I clean up my personally and be whole again; enough to get something out of life and not hiding... What will bring alignment for me...
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Ill keep working on all of this with God...
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