July 2025
June 2025
Blog;
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Violating predators; the reality; as much as I don’t want to talk about this.
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My whole life has been about getting back at the violating predators who crossed the lines in the first place as I had Victim written all over my face my body… A sign that read; “ Come and violate me any time you want; Im not protected”; And every violator and his/her mother would show up… sociopathic bullies; predators; sexual predators at times.. Ive had psychopaths stalk me…
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Maybe it gives me meaning and a sense of control and power over these predators to have them interested in me; I guess I want someone to be interested in me… I guess..
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Starts with mother and father; but it really starts again at a more serious real brutal abrupts level when Im thrown away at age 9; I have nowhere to go; I have to live with my mother and have no father protecting me. Then it will go way over that when I have to live with my Grand parents; they are brutal monsters that walk into my room any time they want; no protection; and confront me when Im in bed or vulnerable… with total hostility toward me. As if I have no rights at all as a human being; And they do this with no boundaries; Im only 9-10-11-12 years old. I have no one; no place to go; no parents; No one cares what has happened to me; Nothing… Ive been erased and I have only this place to go to stay alive and these people are monsters toward me…
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My Grandmother goes along with it like theirs nothing wrong; she does not go into my room at night or the morning or day time; that was Grandfather; but what kind Grandfather or Grand mother are these; these are no Grandparents… Nothing! These are complete strangers; they don’t care about who I am. The Grandfather part is the one perpetrating physically; entering rooms uninvited. I cannot fight back; Im twice as small…
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Im not used to fighting back to survive against predators twice my size when Im only a 9 year old or 10 year old… and I have no protection against sexual predators. I have no protection and Im conditioned to deal with people twice my size that are violating my very basic right to survive… its like brutal bulling; being bullied by adults… no protection. And of course this is 10 times worse then Im describing… I have no one protecting me and no protection. The ability for someone to violate me or my personal space like this any time they wont; has ruined me as a human being of any functioning in society…
Im lucky Im not in jail myself for retaliating against the world and many other direction I could have gone; but it did leave me completely helpless; learned helplessness; violations; violated; non able to function or be part of society…
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FIRST LOVE; Ive mentioned this person in just about half my blogs Ive written; and for good reason.
When I was young desperate lonely alone thrown away; and had no one; I found her; but it will be just another predator like my Grandfather in disguise; just another kind…
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I will be manipulated and set up and conned; its the same thing as my Grand Father or mother or Father or any of these others; or Grandmother; its just as bad; another predatorial monster.
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This Concept that FIRST LOVE is nothing more then a Preditorial monster like my GrandFather is very important because it suggests Im never escaping; Im always ending up vulnerable and but some how finding these predators over and over and over just like the ones I was forced to live with when young…
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FIRST LOVE: is about getting this predator based monster out of my life. The sick part is; I find these monsters and hang out with them; they generally do not find me… This predator is the same as the rest; same level of sadism… just in another form… This person saw me coming and saw I was broken lonely person who had no one; and saw a victim they could play; thats all it was. I walked into the hands of yet; another victimize’r predator; Just as bad as the others; they are all sadistic sociopaths or psychopaths; all of them.
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12 meeting; Same thing; At a more serious level; Im trying to hang out with a bunch of psychopaths and sociopathic drunks to over come the same kind of predators that violated me in the first place.
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I feel powerful being among them and considered strong enough to hang with them. Regardless; Im trauma bonded completely in all of these situations…
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Im the typical classical trauma bonded person who was abused and now I seek out the same kind of abusers to associate with to feel powerful and in control and maybe work out my past trauma from previous monsters; work out that old trauma on new monsters… Maybe secretly I have work through it with them without them knowing and win; I get better; work through my old stuff and move on from them… that was the goal.
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The problem is; Im spending my whole life re living the trauma levels of agitation and hightened reality of survival when around these new monsters; its just a repeat of what I know; how I know how to survive; Im just repeating it over n over n over; And at times It doesn’t work; I get turned on by some predator’s that actually stalks me… Ive gone through this several times… its caught me off guard; I didn’t expect it; but considering Im hanging around those crowds all day long…
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ITS ADDICTIVE: Its like gambling; if I stay around the monsters just one more time; maybe I can work through the abuse or sexual abuse I went through with these so call; Grand Parents. Or what I went through; ( brutally thrown away from my parents) when young; I can work it out.
Im like the classic typical women of the past with the alcoholic brutal father. They end up finding partners in life just like their Fathers who will repeat the abuse; the offense..
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FIRST LOVE: This is just another offender that set me up just like my Mother or Father or Rapist Grand Father or what ever these weirdo's are… This is just another no name; nameless monster I attracted into my life by showing up around her… Im asking to be controlled and intimidated by someone and violated by someone; by a bully and abuser. Thats all my life was; those were the only people I could relate with.
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I kept ending up around them to be saved because those were the only kind of people that were saving me; but they were never saving me; they would just invite me in through false means; manipulation and lies then Id be destroyed.
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THESE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE I KNOW!
I don’t know any other kind of people; Thats all Ive ever hung around with; these are the only kind of people I relate to; these are the only kind of people I ever end up around.
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THE CIRCLE OF ABUSE CONTINUES:
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I got abused; I then spend my life around abusers to work through the abuse from past abusers and violators. The problem is; I never quite work my trauma out with the new abuser; I end up getting manipulated by them and then Im newly violated and worse off then before… then I look for more abusers to save me from the last abusers; hoping that; this time; this person will be different; but they end up more abusers and violators…
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THIS IS ALL I KNOW!
I feel cool being around them; groups of them; Like; IM TOUGH ENOUGH… Im strong enough to hang with them. But in the end it doesn’t work because the excitement wears off and Im left with dysfunctional monsters who are seriously not safe; many of them are lawless psychopathic criminal minded. And then I find myself in real trouble I cant get out of.
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So; here I am now…
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FIRST LOVE: Understanding what FIRST LOVE IS: Just a re incarnation of the others abusers from before; This is a classic monster sociopath psychopath like my Grand Father… Thats all it was; a continuation of another predator….
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So Getting over First Love is realizing my just getting over the controlled abuse of another predator that I allowed to predatorize me.
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I would dream that the next person I meet or got close to would be like me; a survivor looking for their way out of these predator… In the end by the time I woke up from this fantasy; Id realize; I had only found one more predator who ends up victimizing me.. When I wake up from the delusion I thought I found someone to love or really understandings me and is on my side; suddenly in shock and dismay I realized I attracted yet one more predator and thats all I did… And now that predator is eating me alive and dismantling me one rip of the claws at a time… And I don’t know what to do. Im back as that little child with a sexual monster in the room of a room with no locks on the doors and I have nowhere to hide… And they are twice as big as I am literally… Like dealing with someone 12 feet tall that is about to attack me…
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IT MIGHT BE TIME TO SWITCH GEARS…
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It might be time to put the work in; Therapy work on getting away from all predators… and working in the opposite direction; where I get the help to stay away from all predators and work with counselors or therapists on some other aspect of recovery process where Im not around these type of people anymore.
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My life is an endless repeat of being in the clutches of predators; like in a war… and Im trying to escape or deal with it; the heightened emotions of survival mode; and the reactions of such things in those continual flight or fight situations. Always being in those heightened situations. And Im always putting myself back into those situations to maybe finally figure out a way out; a way through; and escape from it all; all of them…
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THERAPY;
Im starting to see a bigger picture of therapy; thus; to get a bigger approach to waking up to sanity and learning a new system where I can work through the problems associated with past predators without having to constantly addictive-ly return to the same level of Fight or Flight with more predators…
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When I go back to therapy for this; Ill have to be weaned of predators… sociopathic psychopathic sadistic preditars..
Ive found myself in the past; trying to become friends with them; rationalizing we can work it out; I can work my stuff out with them. WRONG! They always see me as a victim.
I saw myself wanting to save them or love them; like they were lost little children; WRONG; They are alligators nothing more… They are not lost little children to love; They are predators that destroy the lives and dreams of children… They are monsters…
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Secretly I tell myself; if I hang out with them and act like them and befriend them; secretly becoming like them or fitting in; I can secretly work through my trauma with them and then win and leave. So far its never happened.
Ill spend years and years and years of my life; always going to back to them like a gambling addition or drug; over and over and over replaying what happened regionally; the abuse and trauma… Ill find more predators; and try it one more time; this time maybe Ill win around them; out smart them; and win; get away from them… But it never works.
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It never works to get away from the predators because they are like an addiction. I have to be clinically weened off of them… I have to find a new therapeutic life style in the opposite direction of them.
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Im finding that; altho Im working through problems of the sadistic predator; I have no other life; I have no other life style.
I don’t have a life where there are no predators and Im living a normal mental health based life…
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Even tho I may have finally worked through my feelings around predators; it never ends… I treat them like they are therapists; Im literally doing my therapy around and with predators… And as I get better and get things figured out. Im still in the delusion Im going to work through my problems with some of these predators… and we are all going to get along as one big happy family or Im going to move on; but it never happens; I end up going back to the predators and starting all over on something else.
At some point I realize; Im spending my whole life around predators; over n over n over; and not around healthy normal people…
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And so I can see a vast change coming in my life. Ill have to talk to God about it…
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GOAL:
Right now; its about getting over FIRST LOVE. And one of the major break through is; “ Shes just another predator”. And Ill have to deal with her violations just as I dealt with many others before and after her… This person is just another one of them; and I was violated and destroyed by this predator just like the rest; and I ll have to deal with the violations and damage… She is no different then the sexual sadist monsters I dealt with just before meeting her; she is just another one of them that I ended up around…
I thought I had finally found a way out; Instead; I woke up half way through realizing I was around another predator…
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