July 2025
June 2025
As the universe continues to build and build and bring more knowledge back to me when young; back to what happened in my younger life; I began to see more n more of the truths of things; maybe.
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Relationships;
Im half way their...( this means; Im right up on the middle of this things; slowly digging through now; Just able to even my power with what im matching to handle getting over this); ( learning to get myself back and my value and own myself again); ( Please God; never let me give myself away to anyone else ever again). I never faced those people; I was to shy. And I never got to tell them how I really feel ( I never got to stick up for myself). And now with Gods help and a lot of work and mental exercises with support groups; God has made it possible to face them and those situations. Allot of this is about being young and immature nice/innocent being presented with people who were way over my head/ way over my head in evil and life experience; I dont think these types were ever innocent or nice or decent or ever even thought about such things. Good looking fast track people; popular stuck up people; pretty people way over my head. I was shy and sheepish in experienced and bashful; I thought I had met people just like me; Nice people who were trying to change; people who wanted to change; I was wrong. I was completely wrong; I had gone into through the wrong doors.
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... but I saw some potential. But I was shot down and hurt and destroyed and broken. And I wobbled off with my wounds and died for the rest of my life. And now; I have a half way chance of facing those people and myself and moving past them and regaining control of my life again from their memories; what I considered the biggest loss of my life; my confidence smashed for ever kind of thing; Iike; It was my one big chance and I failed; I was no match for them. Now; I have a chance; working with GOd; to avail this situation; and the strategies given to me by God; one step at a time; are slowly winning this fight. I'm going to face this situation; face those people; Ill face them on paper and in my imagination. And its been happening.
God has set it up for me to face the memories of them and to work right through them and to stand on my own 2 feet and slowly allow the memories and their heart felt importance to me; to feel them and to feel the loss as they go by; and just stand on my own 2 feet; let them pass and realize Ive been trauma bonded all these years and codependent on this people all these years.. I was manipulated by them seduced/groomed broken by them; Never ever being able to face the humiliation of being put down by them or that I just wasn't enough for them; wasnt good enough; What they thought of me meant everything to me; what I thought of myself meant nothing to me. I had lost touch with myself.
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its like they were of a league way beyond my level; so much so; I wasn't even mature enough to be in the game. Its " Sorry; Your not in this league". I wasn't good enough for the major leagues or even the minors; I was shot down and laughed at and dropped to the wayside; laughed to scorn and never thought of again. I was used; I never expected it because I was led on as if I was one of the players; when in reality; I was one of the major fools being played by the players... Whats so hard and sad; I never even knew what was going on or who I was with; nothing. No clue.. I didnt even know to run out of the house and never come back.. I actually believed the lies they were imputing within me...
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THings are changing now if I want them to. Im starting to value myself now.. and Im asking the question; How did someone else get that much control over my worth like that; over my life. I mean; I know my own worth; I lost it; it got separated from me and I forgot who I am. I was separated from myself. I was easily manipulated used and discarded and I didnt even know it was going on... I was stunned when I found myself thrown away; I was like; What just happened here? What is going on here?
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When thinking about my self worth; I see this girl in the picture; what she thought of me. I lost the part of me that owned me and thinks about me ( what I think of me); and I now care about what I think of me first; no one else is allowed in. I lost that part of me or the ability to remember that part of me; that part sold down the river for her to replace a part of me. ITs like I gave part of myself away to someone else. And it was a person I invited into my life. I mean; They used me left; they are nowhere to be seen; THey never cared if they ever saw me again; thus; I need to work through all this stuff and get me back again; my thoughts about myself; no other intruders allowed in like that; never again. My God!
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I thought I could walk along blind; It didnt work; I fell into a ditch and then robbers came and robbed me and took my life from me.
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Ill have to work with God backtracking facing those moments I gave myself away to this person; I have to face those moments standing on my feet. Face that person or that memory of that person; stand strong; stand tall stand brave just stand their facing them or this situation. It matters not that I find out what they did or who they are; they set me up or played me or tried to fool me like it was a game; Ill face it and take the loss but keep myself ( just stand there; stay on my feet; stay present stay strait; Dont move; let them come and let them pass) And now start walking forward as full owner of my own life again; earn that! . Ill take myself back; and Ill take my opinions of myself about myself from myself back.; not from someone else who thought they could get away with murder;playing me.
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The problem with people like this; that have hurt me; they set me up from the beginning to ruin me for the fun of it; In fact; they felt nothing; they didnt care either way... Its evil; but it is what it is. I was a nice person taken advantage of; where Ill have to really look into why I was around this type of person in the first place and not trying to protect myself from people like this. I made a mistake; ill have to learn from it.
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Its like I challenged the person; I said to myself; Im good enough. And then suddenly had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I wasnt good enough; I would never be good enough for this type of person; I mean that in a kind of ( Im way to decent a person to be caught up in this lonesy to start with); I know better than this; this was not a nice person. Ill have to slowly keep stepping closer and closer facing little bits of this at a time; working my way back into my life.
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NOTE: I know now; Im the one who must earn my life; its not free. I have to work to take it back; keep sane and keep it. I have support; I would never try this alone. I have recovery groups and a higher power.
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it is happening; Im starting to get under this thing so I can slowly break it apart and flip it out of my life... Its like digging up a dirt water way with a small flower bed hand sheval., Im digging up the old dirt in front of me; making a small inlet like valley system 5 inches deep; slowly digging it up like a water way for new water and new growth to take the place of the old; and to plant new plants and get rid of the fake plants and weeds that snuck in to grow. Its time to get rid of all those fake plants I was faked out by...
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As the universe continues to help me and I get better? Im not sure what that means; I still have mental illness from trauma. But my spiritual side grows with God;
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As My spiritual side grows; I can see opening up the bad things that happened to me how it affected my abilities to share and open up with people. I would like to learn how to open up that part of me that is hidden; I would like to open that up with others; learn how to be that real person; thats the part of me im hiding from the world hiding from others. but its the honest part that allows me to tell someone; this is who I am; this is what Ive been through; Im working with God; this is what I need. this is what I need with you... THis is why Im opening up; this is what I need and the role I came here to ask if you want to participate in... That kind of honesty...
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NOTE: GOD must take all other con artists place; that conned me out of my life! I get rid of all aspects of those past scummy people; evil people; and allow God to be in their place in my life; so its me and God and God I turn to; And go with that... God will bring the right people and places and things; dealing with God.
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I could say more about how I wished things had turned out differently when younger with certain people; or just wished things had turned out differently. . But I think the common idea of expressing who I really am and what I really want and need; and not lying about who I am; just be myself; go on a journey learning how to be myself; I think that's the starting place.
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Ill pray about it.
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MUSIC:
Its just moving forward slowly everyday. Im in the real pre beginnings of things; Im trying to must sit with the equipment and touch it and feel it and maneuver with it; push some buttons and play a few music keys... Just kind of sit there with it and get used to it again. Something like that; Im a little further then that... Im much more comfortable then that; Im at the beginning stages because I surrendered long ago. And its just now taking an effect. Well; thats not true. I have these re surrounders. Lots of minor ones; a major one came along and knocked me off my feet.. ANd Im trying to stand up and brush off the insanity and stay present for it.
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Searching for that happiness... Im learning; its not in the finner Candy stores; its on my knees to my master God... Thats the lesson to be learned; who or what do I trust. Candy is instant.. God takes a long time to work with... Candy is controlled by someone else using me as a puppet. God loves me...
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