July 2025
June 2025
In my imagination;
Creating bridges made out of glowing stepping stones, color stones with numbers; glow in the dark... When I see my foot move upward when looking down at it in my imagination; I put forth my leg forward from where I am standing... I am standing on a starting pad. It says START; I move my left foot forward and my leg; I then rest my weight on that left leg as if it comes down evenly hard on the first stepping stone that glows 1. And then the right leg and foot onto stepping stone 2; and so on; I watch with both eyes as I witness each step as I take action to put one foot at a time on each number until I reach number 10 stepping stone. I then move my left foot inward a bit and my right foot; this indicates Im now stepping on a pad that flashes; FINISH... I bounce up n down on it for awhile; And then start another little pathway...
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LADDERS; I put down ladders horizontally that I can walk over like a pathway; i put them over gaps in the pathways; sometimes I can create a bridge with them over bigger gaps; like a streams...
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At times I walk across the ladder and stepping stones; I practice over a small canyon; and thus soon my imagination goes a step further after practicing; and it creates a full bridge I can walk over.
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WHy am I doing this kind of work;
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From the ages of FIrst Grade; I was defensive and shut down and withdrawn. I was never really able to create my own space. I always had to depend on others; find someone in the community to interact with... The problem; They would develop and get stronger; I would just be codependent until they moved on and didnt need me anymore. I was discarded; I had no value to anyone; because I had made a big big mistake. I had become friends with people who didnt need friends; they didnt need me; or ever care to meet me or like me. I had no value to them. I meant nothing to them.
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They Thought they were superior; I should have never associated with them. THey were not friendly; They were not my friends; they were fakes; they were users... I had no other knowledge or outlets when young. I did the best I could; I had no other knowledge or training. I was gullible and naive; Now I know better.
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NOTE: A young man in our meetings; He is hanging out with a group of women now. Hes been beaten down from life and returned to the meetings; The girls hes hanging with; they dont respect him; He is kind of a Simp! He doesnt understand; those girls are not his friends; they are looking down at him; using him. He doesnt seem to be aware of it or the price he will ultimately pay by associating with them.
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I did the same thing in the beginning of high school; I wanted to be popular at a new school; it lasted about 6 months; and then that popularity slowly died. I could not keep up the demands. I was not one of the right kids set up for an Ivy league college by the time I was in 9th grade. THose ilitists were out of my league; THey were in a league of their own. They actually thought they were superior to other people; meaning; they actually believed they were superior beings. That could never be my direction of development; that direction would be impossible; it would have to develop from some other direction. I had to learn the hard way to get away from those people; they were not my friends.. Some were so hideous to lead me completely with no sign of playing me. Only to spring it on me that I meant nothing to them months and months later; They thought that kind of thing funny... I wonder how many people they destroyed doing that kind of thing. Its scary!
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Creating pathways;
My whole purpose right now is to create pathways in my imagination; stepping on stepping stones in my imagination; these steps strengthen my independent ability to roam in my imagination. Meaning; Im creating a whole world in my imagination; and in the real world I began to gain some confidence after much work in my imagination.
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NOTE: I dont have a whole world in my imagination created yet; but it seems; The pathways are growing the more I work at them. I plan to go further.
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I want to create pathways to a place or person or thing in my imagination; and that person or place or thing is sitting somewhere or standing somewhere; it is my job to imagine Im slowly walking toward it(them); clearing a pathway... The goal is to create a pathway to it; stop in front of it; learn to interact with it or confront it; to a point that I sit down with it and talk with it and work with it and feel confident with it and confidently happily walk away from it and on with my day; feeling good about my life working with God... Learning to sit down with it(them) and express myself; feeling it in real time; feeling so comfortable and safe doing so. Feeling Iike Ive been accepted into safe environments socially.
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NOTE; abandonment; being discarded and never really appreciated or liked; its left me horribly disfigured when dealing with people and I feel insecure. Its left me believing people are not safe; they are deadly.
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Im clearing down a pathway? Im clearing resentments and fears and terror from the past; Im being triggered by PTSD.
As I write; I might get triggered by memories of a step father belittling me constantly to make myself look more important... Because of this; I learned to stay silent and realized I was not wanted.
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NOTE: My First Love; I was not wanted by here.. She thought she could get better and never really wanted me or accepted me; she was just playing me. She wanted someone; but not me. I had no value to her... She thought she was superior... These type of people are evil. I learned a horrible horrible lesson. I was not protected and ended up at the wrong places and with the wrong people; people like her; That is how I met this person and others. I was naive and desperate. I had no one and I was desperate to be noticed and loved and wanted and to connect with others; I had to reach outward. After being dumped by her; I had no other prospects. I was dumped by her because I never accepted her; After several months; something was wrong.
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Many people will show up in my memories from the past; in my imagination. Meaning people from the past that tried to put me down all the time or abused me in different forms and bullied me.
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I spent my life lost or defending myself by shutting down or being dissociated from reality; I never had a life; I never built a life before.
Now Im learning how to build a life.
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Many opportunities when young; could not occur because I could not show up and be present for myself. I could not function; I could not put 2 n 2 together in my broken mind to get from point A to point B. I could not see anything in my imagination; I was in to much pain from 2 much loss.
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Today I take responsibility for creating the pathways that lead me to a confrontation with what I seek. As the pathways get stronger I end up at the door of what I want in my life; and thus; the next step is learning how to face it; face what's beyond the door; what's behind the door. facing what's in the door way when the door is open. I work all this in my imagination and learn from it and develop from it.
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I spent years and years and years lost without the ability to manage my own life. I was destroyed and lost; dissociated from reality.
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I had no brain. No experience; no maturity of development in the real world and did not have a clue how to survive... I had a childs brain that just wanted to go home...
Today I have some ideas...
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First; from where Im sitting or standing; I start creating pathways in my head( Imagination); going from stepping stone to stepping stone; 10 stones at a time and finishing; each segment sending me closer to my goal. And at some point it will get harder because the death memories and bad people will begin to trigger and show up in my imagination and mind and Ill have to deal with the fear and dissociation these old triggered memories are creating. As I face the triggering and get stronger; I find Im crossing over canyons and rivers; creating bridges... ANd as I walk those paths over n over n over; I become independent in my imagination. And at some point as my frequency rises and Im at a higher level of value to myself; I realize Im strong enough to confront or tell the truth to those in front of me in my imagination. Im taking care of my own business. Im walking up to a place in my imagination; Im knocking or ringing the door bell. Who ever answers; Im asking if we can sit down and talk and work things out. Im watching myself in first person point of view confronting; not running away.
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Im starting to see myself do these things; taking action for myself; Facing people and places and things.
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If I continue to do this type of work in my imagination; Im going to create a giant village in my imagination; where I walk to different types of situations; places to work; people to marry; talents to develop; caves with money bags full of money to the ceiling; a car.... Ill attract these things.
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If I imagine enough; it will start to affect me on the outside; in the outside world; How I feel about myself will rise; my confidence will rise. My thoughts will change; Ill start taking chances to believe; and thus my negative fear thoughts of scarcity will be replaced...
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NOTE: I want to stop depending on and believing in scarcity. I want thoughts that believe I will get what I want and their plenty of it... Whether it be Wives; money; houses; cars; vacations; the use of talents.... Family... I want to see the successful side and the thoughts of having success..
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APPRECIATION:
I have this new appreciation for being alive; for things; for finishing things; For believing I fit in somewhere; for believing; if I fight for what I want; theirs something to fight for and a reason to fight; because I fit in somewhere and Im fighting for that spot because I believe I have a position or a place in that spot; in that family in that life.
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I believe if i do what Im suppose to do; God will make a place for me in life; regardless of what it is; a place will be made for me. My Space...
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When I was younger; I started hanging around people so I would not be alone; better survival in numbers! Well; not in my case; maybe in the beginning at a shallow level. In the end; it was all the wrong people. And Ill pray about that right now! The goal would have been NICE people; Down to earth people. Kind people; Gentle people; understanding people; People who accepted me with no issue; people who accepted and recognized me as part of their tribe.
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When I was a small child I would roam to someone else's house and play... and thats all I did; but when I got a little older; they no longer wanted to play or wanted me around. They never wanted a relationship with me... They did not want me associating with them at a personal level; it never ever occurred to me I was not good enough for these people; but its true; I was never accepted from the start. It never occured to me we came from 2 different worlds. It never occured to me I was codependent lonely and insecure.
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I thought I was making friends that loved and cared about me. In the real world; I was never wanted in the first place.
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I never found my tribe of people; never; only on the Tv set in some fantasy movie did I relate...
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I had no idea people in the real world were looking down on me... I was hated or looked at with contempt from the beginning.. I had no idea. I wa being spat on in their imaginations. God protect me. Ill pray about that right now!
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HERE IS THE POINT OF THE BLOG;
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I went to others to get help so I could develop; later I found out they were not my friends; and they were not going to help me; they were only helping themselves to my good intentions. I was being used; they could care less who I am... and all of them would discard me at some point... They were not my people; they were not nice people. And they were not my friends... I was way to nice a person to associate with these type of Jackals.
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Today; Im working with a higher power to learn how to develop myself within my imagination... By developing myself in my imagination Im actually creating new pathways that are strengthening me.. Im finding its having a favorable affect on my life in general. Because Im developing in my imagination; Im starting to develop in real life.
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Im using 12 step groups for support; and the universe as guidance... I have a higher power I pray to.
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Everything is working out.
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GOAL:
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Create a Pathway that leads to God; Gods Pathway. I create steps down Gods pathway; As I practice and move down Gods pathway; Things are brought to me by God. They show up; They are right for me because they are down Gods pathway.. They are not from any other pathway.. They appear down Gods pathways...
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NOTE; Im on my knees with face in the floor 20 times a day at least... Im Thanking God; Asking God to help me. " Your will God; not mine" over n over...
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NOTE: If its not Gods Pathway; its Satans... I found 25 Satanic Pathways; all dressed up to look like pathways of different natures and colors and identities.. In the End they had one thing in common; they were all lies created by the liar himself; Satan. Their is only One Pathway; and Only one that is necessary; GODS PATHWAY... It may seem hard at first facing downward and praying on my knees looking down a pathway with God at the end of it. But in the end; that bit of hardship will pay off; its all Oke; Its all good... And I can ask God for help the whole time. I can ask God to direct me and help me to have a successful experience down Gods Pathway...
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My goal is to work toward basic goals in life so I can be confident again; Wife; House; car; Vacation; money; the use of talents and Hobbies and such; Family maybe... We will see.
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For these things to happen; I have to start where Im at in my imagination and create steps that lead to my destinations. The steps have to lead up to what I want; I have to end up in front of what I want and learn to negotiate with it; talk to it; work with it; sit down with it.. confess my feelings to it; Interact with it.. Become friends with it.
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NOTE; At first; may divides and canyonds and gaps reside between me and my goals and destinations; many ladders and stepping paths and pathways and bridges must be created in my imagination; in order to cross these divides to get to my destinations. And all of this can be practiced over n over n over in my imagination.
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And all of these things are showing up down Gods pathways; No other pathways... Thus; my work is down Gods pathways.
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I have to create stepping stones in my imagination down Gods Pathway; no other pathway... God is at the end of it; where its safe. These are Safe spaces... God is with me all the way down Gods pathways.
NOTE: The best way to get started is to pray to God and the Universe and ask to Get help getting started.
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WHAT IM LEARNING:
Im learning many things. I can apply many interests if not all interests for manifestation within Gods pathways. Ill pick one area of several for an example;
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Ill use Art as an example.
ART; Ill start with Art; Im starting to get in alignment with my inner being concerning Art. Im starting to get back the courage to create and finish Artwork. That means im at a higher frequency of Art; and not at a lower frequency. This is all I ever wanted. This is where im safe; This higher frequency is safety... its like being at high ground away from the masses... In my own secret world. I can see it; I can see myself completing Art in my imagination.. I can see the appreciation for the work ethic and values of finishing something. I can see the value it give myself. Im worth it. Im of a higher value and frequency. Im giving myself credit and value as if Im loved. So; I want to feel more of this love; more imagination of this love; and allow new thoughts of being loved; almost like being a kid in someone's front yard and a bunch of us kids are splashing water from hoses and drinking kool aid and running around hiding and laughing and slipping and sliding; and adults are present loving us; one big happy family. One big happiness; happy experience.
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Like that feeling I had as a kid... Im at that frequency of love; I can feel it from inside me. Now; I want more love. Is a higher frequency.
Its a form of decency.
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So; I want to hang on to these feelings of safety and love and feeling worth it. I dont want to let them go or have them brainwashed out of me.
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So; Now I work with the universe to create safe spaces for who and what I want to be with new thoughts of who I am in these safe spaces... Just working with drawings of safe spaces is helping me feel like Im in safe spaces.
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DRAWINGS:
I Draw pathways to safe spaces..
I draw footsteps;
I walk to a square area I call Safe Spaces and Gods House and Gods spaces... I draw pictures of these safe squares; What do I want in those spaces; Girlfriend; Money; House, Car career! The use of talents; Safety... In safe spaces. As if Im already living in safe spaces... And Ill create this over n over n over on paper; its on going... And Ill create Pathways to these safe spaced and imagine walking step by step to these safe spaces; Ill enter these safe spaced and experience these safe spaces and imagine Im living in this village with a wife and money and house and car and vacations and vocations and the use of talents in these safe spaces... Ill imagine Im walking step by step within this safe safe square zoned area; Im walking around it confront a wife and a house and a car and vacations and talents and vocations and hobbies... Im interacting with them; holding them; breathing them; loving them; receiving love from them; all down Gods Pathways and other. Ill imagine and write about everything as if I already have it... Ill live their daily until I get used to it; until it seems real to me; comfortable to me. Ill live in my imagination so much Ill demand God to bring me what ive been living in my imagination and nothing less. Living in my imagination will feel so real; it will start to create an outside environment to match what is going on in my head.
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NOTE: Ill create so much in my imagination and on paper; all doubt will leave; all negative fear thoughts and parinia thoughts will leave. My confidence will build.
NOTE: All i ever wanted was for my confidence to build; thats all I ever wanted help with...
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MEDITATION:
I like guided meditations on youtube; and now Im mixing it with authentic traditional meditations where I sit and listen to a fan for 5 minutes. I like to listen to guided meditations that are short; like 5 minutes; maybe 10 minutes; but then after taking a break; I might go back and listen to several more smaller 5 minute meditations or maybe another 10 minute meditation. I like many short meditations vs one big meditation.
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Its getting to the point that meditations are becoming fun; Kind of like a Hobby. I have to start with small meditations I find on Youtube. I like the 3 minute meditations; but Ive moved up to 5 minute meditations.
Is easier for me to listen to a 5 minute meditation 4 times then to listen to one long 20 minute meditation. So; Im learning that meditation helps me become who I want to be...
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THE POINT OF THIS BLOG:
The goal of this blog is to report in that Im not only creating and practicing creating pathways in my imagination; but Im feeling the confidence to come up to my destination; confront it alone independently and talk with the subject that is at the end of my destination; All this in my imagination.
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So; the child in me is having me create pathways and destinations for him to play within and develop in and move around. And now; he gets to practice with the outcome. He gets to walk down a pathway; meet the subject of the outcome; Practice talking to the subject; sitting down with the subject; interacting with the subject; All in safe spaces; All down Gods pathways in protection...
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ITs like a new family and backyard and house created in my head for the purpose of the inner child in to me to go play as a child and develop again...
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At some point as the inner child within me grows in this imaginary world in my imagination; he will want to live that way in the real world. And that is the another step created with God; with Gods co creating help. Safe Spaces is the key.
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SO:
Im now starting to open up in my imagination; not only a pathway but also interacting with the destination of the pathway; and Im doing it independently because I feel so good; I feel independent. Not codependent. No need for co dependence.
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And all of this is happening without a trace of anyone from my past; Im still getting fed through my 12 step groups and God/Universe...
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WRITING STORIES:
This is the most important aspect... Keep writing and practicing writing new stories about my life and how wonderful it is to experience basic details of my stories while Im doing them.
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The idea is to find things that make me feel good because it creates a very high frequency vibration. And high frequencies attract high frequencies.
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For example; if I write about having a new car; I want to talk about how fantastic it feels just sitting in those plastic seats knowing Im going to be driving this car that brings me independence. And Ill write about What that car does for me; How I feel powerful and independent and confident and fulfilled and taken care of and the excitement from driving the car! The excitement of pushing down on the gas peddle and moving forward quickly to my destination or listening to the radio and the music while driving the open road; THat kind of thing; a real fantastic movie seen staring myself driving my car; that car.
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Its important to write these positive views of what I want in story form. Writing is actually creating in my imagination in real time... Its fantastic; But I have to learn how to use positive words to describe positive outcomes.
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So; Im practicing right now; creating pathways with ladders and stepping stones and bridges to my destinations. Im also going into my past; re opening old relationships and imagining Im showing up at their doors sitting down with them and talking; just talking about everything and about them and about who I am and what I wanted from them in a relationship... And getting the truth out... How I felt about being with them; what went right; what went wrong.. How I felt about it.. Getting my real feelings out... And then getting up and leaving and returning if I have to and talking again... sitting down with them praying and talking with them and to them about how I feel about them and us and being with them and what it was like.. And how I really felt.. That kind of thing.
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I want my freedom back; so Im creating pathways to new behaviors that are created in my imagination... and Im practicing that behavior; and how I want that behavior in the real world.
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The universe is always on my side!
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