July 2025
June 2025
This is an important blog; This is a break through blog. No Friends.
.
.
So; after badgering the universe again; new information rolls through.
.
First; I realized I had many dreams when very young about having lots of friends and being very very social.
And I fantasized about having those friends.
One thing I did not do… I never realized; non of those people or the future I wanted; Non of it was real.
I did not have any acquaintances. I thought these people would all be my friends and I thought they were my friends because I knew who they were from school. But the reality was; I didn’t know them. They weren’t acquaintances. They were perfect strangers.
I filled my head with their names and fantasized how I was going to know them and associate with them and be social and popular.
In reality; this never happened. One reason it never happened. I did not know them nor was I ever thought of or noticed by them. Thus… I was never invited by them; to know them; they had no interest in me...
.
I HAD NO FRIENDS…
NOT ONE!
.
.
I did go to this kids house when I was very young; I went their all the time; but he was no friend of mine; they looked down on me thought they were better then me; completely better… Thought I was a latchkey kid but never told me. I was only allowed over to their house because it would help their kid grow up with another male around him; he had all sisters. I was worth no more then that! I had no idea.
He was not a nice person at the end of my fake friend experience with him. I had been lied to; used and manipulated; I had been kind of used the whole time.. I was not wanted by these people. They did not want my friendship; They did not help me develop; they could care less; I didn’t realize it; I was just a house boy to their son. Almost as if they hired a slave kid from the market to keep their son socialized on a daily bases. I had no idea this was going on.
Later when I was destroyed at the age of 10 by many means; this fake friend approached me and I learned what they really thought of me; I in shock… I was only 9-10 years old. They kept trying to make me out to be white trash and claim I was a bad kid who deserved what ever I got. Incredible. It was also incredible that this kids parents were telling him this… So; They were no friends of mine; and they did not want me at their house or ever want to see me again and they never wanted to meet me in the first place; but I never knew.. I just wanted a friend.
.
SO: THIS WAS NO FRIEND…
.
.
Girl up the street;
The only other person I would have called a friend was the girl up the street; and with God helping me concerning this matter; helping me understand the truth in the present. I was not wanted by this person; this person wanted me gone; never asked to meet me; met me by surprise when I showed up with her brother and friends; Thats how I met her… at her house one day.
.
Like the other fake friends I had; these people were kind of rich or something; She was spoiled privileged… I didn’t really understand at the time; I just wanted a friend. It tried to be friends with her; but she didn’t want it; she wanted me gone… She led me on( lied to me) when ever I was at her house; did it for the fun of it… But thats because I kept up the attention and pressure… She really never wanted to meet me; never wanted me and wanted me gone. Its like I showed up at a party I was never invited for. And I was quickly removed and discarded. I did call her; I just wanted a friend... She was no friend; I was lied to; manipulated and then dumped. I never understood; I was never wanted in the first place.
.
This was not my friend… I tried to open up a little because I thought I had met a friend; I did not; I was wrong. She was popular and wanted nothing to do with me or the likes of me… At some point I walked away and never returned heartbroken and confused; sad...
.
.
I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS:
So; heres the deal; I had no friends in my life; I may have known a few acquaintances at the age of 5; a few people. That was it. No friends in my life; nothing.
Im an introvert and creative sensitive. Im intellectual.
.
I really thought I was part of something; and thats important that I say that because: ( I THOUGHT). THis means I was living off my internal thoughts concerning life; not real reality.
.
I thought I was part of the grade school system when young; but I wasnt part of anything with anyone; I had no friends. I believed I was friends with all of these popular people; I know them; but the fact was; I meant nothing to them… they were perfect strangers; but I didn’t know it; I was delusional. I didnt know them.
.
I had assumed all these people were acquaintances; I assumed many were my friends and they liked me.
In reality; they did not know me; THey did not like me the way I thought they did; nobody did… I had no idea. I was unseen and unknown.
.
And the fake friend I made in grade school had no loyalty to me at all; it was a one day trip for him each time we got together to do things. This means; if we went to the gym to play basket ball for that after noon in the summer; My friendship lasted only as long as that basket ball experience for that Saturday… Once I was gone; in his eyes; he had no more history with me. Nothing; everyday was only that day.. no other history. The history died that night and the next day was a complete washed board of blank history concerning knowing me. Its as if he had never met me each new day… done on purpose of course; but I never knew; not until I began to see through the shady colors of their surface feeding motives.
.
Here is the point of the blog and what God is doing for me right now;
.
Gods got to get rid of my experience and connection with First Love; and thats exactly whats mentioned here in the upper part of the blog concerning her. I thought we were friends; we were never friends… we weren’t… she was a perfect stranger and thats all.
.
.
1. Through the universe I learn I actually had no friends growing up. I had a few minor sociopath fake friends/acquaintances; I thought they were friends; they were not; they did not consider me a friend; I was someone they tolerated for a little while while I came over to their houses; They had always thought they were way to good to associate with me; completely off the charts did they think of themselves.
I realized after a while I was not developing around them; they were not helping me. In the case of the girl; when I flirted with her… She would run away from me almost asking to be chased; but she really wasnt; she was getting sick to her stomach by having me around her. It think what she really wanted was for me to go home and never come back… They really were never friends of mine.
2. I had never developed friendship or the ability to have real friendships… My introverted personality and maturity level and fragile personality; no way’; I was like a 10 year old flatted effect. Like I had been trauma bonded my whole life concerning friendship… So; I had no idea how to step out and make any kind of friends.
.
A gap resides between where my damaged personality and the idea of extroverted friends starts. Its a huge gap of uncharted development. Its something I have never done. However, the universe is about to help me change that.
.
3. A clean slate; learning for the first time how to have friends in the here n now!!!!
.
So; for me to have any kind of real friends; or learn how; God had to break me to come clean about my past; the only thing I have from the past is completely delusion. So I start out in the present clean...
.
What does it mean; it means my FIRST LOVE does not exist; it was a delusion. It means; the idea we were friends is mistaken… we were never friends… She was not even an acquaintance. She was simply (Another-someone) I tried to flirt with a few times at her house. She kind of put up with it for a little while and then it was over! Completely over… What was over; me! It was time for me to leave and never come back… We had no development of anything of any kind… nothing! I wasnt wanted; I meant nothing to her; she saw me as a completely idiot and a complete stranger…
.
.
The point of all this; this means the problem with first love is proven wrong… I had no relationship with anyone; not even a friendship and barely an acquaintance if that… And that was that. No feelings no emotions from her; she felt nothing; I was a stranger.
.
What does this mean; it means no relationship existed; I did not have any friends nor was this person a friend of mine…
.
What does this mean?
.
Its means Im free of the past; the evidence that is uncovered by the universe that is implanted in my brain suggest I never had any friends ever; nothing…
.
Because I can now accept this; the universe can take me where Im at and start moving me forward in the social areas of life; slowly teaching me working with me to learn how to fuse the gap of where Im at and real friends might be… we will see.
.
So; my next goal is shoring up this gap between where Im at emotionally/maturity and those people God wants me to meet down his pathway; relationship.
.
Lots of mass work involved in this segment of my journey; We will see…
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Yahoo [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.067s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.39
Time : 3.067s | 22 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.39