July 2025
June 2025
Developmental trauma disorder; immaturity;
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A clear'r answer to the past problems.
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What happened with girls I was interested in; who actually wanted me or liked me; THey were open to having me as a boyfriend; Im the one who was stuck stopped and in freeze mode trauma land. The girls did not stop a relationship from happening; I did!
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Best friends; Guy friends; When first meeting someone when young; everything seemed OKe but here was a problem; I was 2 immature; The immature part comes to mind because they were growing and doing well in school; I was not. I was asking about and curious about maturity problems back in 1st grade. In fact; I was questioning my problems in nursery school at the age of 5.. I had anxiety problems solving puzzles; it was intellectual; it was anxiety; just like now. I was in nursery school; I remember because even then I remembered my history that I still had that problem.
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NOTE: I was dealing with delayed maturity problems while with my best friend. I remember when it started; 5th grade. And in school; no development. I was dissociated the whole time. I remember the shock of looking back at my childhood. I was watching movies for younger kids when older and didnt seem to think anything was wrong... Im not sure if that is making any sense to the reader; but it was a major problem I realized.
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Looking back; Ive spent my whole life wanting to get away from the family system I came from so I could mature.. I felt maturity is what causes most of my school problems and all other problems. I had no emotional growth to the next level. Nothing.
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At some point; working at things and relationships were out.
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NOTE;
The First Girl I loved; Its not that she didnt want me. She did but I did not respond. So; regardless of what kind of cruel animal she turned out to be.. The mature problem that causes the problems between was; I could not follow through with any physical or emotional interest. I could not make a pass at her and I could not tell her how I felt; even tho I wanted to; I could not. Amd i could not stop and tell her why. Lets say she crawled on my lap; I would freeze up and deject my real feelings for her and throw her off as if I didnt like her. But I did like her and I did want a relationship with her and I did want her on my lap; but it was just way to mature for me; all of it; was missing to many years before meeting her; I was missing to many years of development; the other problem was; I could tell her. Telling her was just as cut off as not being able to be physical with her. I finally lost her. I was mad at her. I didnt understand why she didnt like me. I want her to prove she really liked me.. But didnt she already prove she liked me by wanting me to ask her to be my girlfriend and wanting me physically. If i had had the ability to talk about my feelings; things may have been different. I was mad about her indifference toward me. Laughing in my face about the whole thing; judging me instead of finding out what was wrong.. Her and her mom laughing in my face. So; I wanted nothing to do with those people anymore. I was shocked by their cold behavior.
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NOTE: Not being able to tell my First Love I had a problem and thus working with her to solve it; stopped everything before we could go any further. In a sense; it was all over.
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IN the school system; I was suffering from trauma and could not function or do school work. I could not do anything.
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NOTE: Looking back; it was that way from the beginning and would continue my entire life.
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It appeared I was immature. Thats not fair; but from a clinical point of view; it was true. I could not follow through because of lack of development. I was literally a 4-6-9 year old with no more development. Where I stopped developing; no more growth... The gaps were to big to have relationships or work...
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What happens if I suffer from arrested development; and I revert back to a 6 year old. I cant handle the reality present in my life and my mind fights back by reverting from reality back into a time that was safer and I had control; back to a 6 year old. What does a 6 year old do; A boy when I was growing up would be outside playing with match box cars and tonka trucks in the dirt pile in the backyard when 6 years old.
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What happens when Im 16 but 6 years old inside; Ill want to buy match box cars and play in the backyard. Would I buy a real car? No! I could not handle being that present; it would bring up to much trauma from when I was already in the present... I would be forced into the present and I would be forced into the present with no development or experience; I would be caved in carved out; crashed on ran over and over powered and destroyed. I see trauma rupturing.. I mean; I deal with that today; get to close to reality and the ruptured part of my personality starts distancing itself.
If I was forced to get a real car and take care of it; I would feel like a slave whose life was being choked out of him. It would not last; I would not take care of the car; I would have no interest in a real car. What would I need it for. I would revert back to match box cars and stay in my child level maturity... I could not handle reality.
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With trauma and dissociation problems and CPTSD PTSD AVPD Clinical depression; being psychotic and other problems.. drugs thrown in; recreational use until later... alcohol; same thing... Ill finally get hooked on it; but not for long... drugs were a recreational situation until later; they become a problem at the end of their use.. They are minor and my mental problems majore but they do show up and I do become a junior drug addict for a little while. And later I become a potential alcoholic for a little while. Not in the beginning. Not even in the middle; but the later stages in my 20's. I remember anxiety and depression problems.
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Key work situations and key relationship situation; never going to happen; I just dropped away. Or never started or it was 2 hard face all that reality. I could not sustain reality and thus froze and dissociated permanently.
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I needed special caring and help; I did not get special help. In several cases at first; I went within the neighborhoods I lived; I tried to befriend people; but when they found out I had problems and I wanted help; They spat in my face laughed me to scorn... They had no depth or understanding and I guess they really didnt need any depth. It wasn't their problem; still it was brutally cold indifference. Its like saying to someone to leave and never come back; because they are not wanted... leave for good and never come back. I mean; its horrible.
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Going to the middle class people up the street or down the street in my neighborhood was a big mistake. I do not do well with the middle classes; I do well with the trauma classes. Im not from the middle class; Im from the trauma class; a trauma tribe; a tribe of trauma'd broken people.
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I tried to meet new people I thought God was sending me that would help me. How wrong could I have been; I got re destroyed; they had a hey day ripping my emotional arms off and stuffing them down my throat.. biting my arms off when I put them out for help. This is what happens when one tries to hook up with the Swim and Tennis club crowd of middle or upper middle class people... They simply were completely marginal with no knowledge on why I was around them or associating with them; they seemed more then indifferent. They seems to look down on people like me as being a weakling and absolutely disgusted by it and thought my weaklingness should be shunned at all costs.. They had no real knowledge of my cultural back ground being of a trauma tribe... I was of no attraction to these people.
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Later in life; no problems; I just move on; I needed to find agencies in town that could help. I no longer blamed in un-aformed middle classes for anything. Its better to put a imaginary fence around them; stay away from them and head to the mental health center of one's hometown..
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I was to immature to date and to immature to have a job; Where did all this start?; From my Parents... This caused massive trauma that put me on social security disability. I was told by therapists and DVR; I was to immature to work. This was hinted to me as why I could not hold a relationship.
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Instead of blame anyone besides my parents; Later in recovery; I choose to to focus on what happened with my parents... and work through it; at this point.
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What kinds of areas have been cut out of my life because of legal immaturity.
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Ill make a list;
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So; Ill go back into my life from the beginning of my life; and I did; I made a huge list; ANd its starts the day Im born.
It looks like Im on the autistic spectrum; I mean fairly far up; BUT IM NOT. In on the schizoaffective spectrum; fairly far up; not schizophrenic but the same thing of a lesser nature with the PTSD CPSD EVPD; Full severe dissociative disorder D.I.D... and all it entails. Ive been psychotic clinical depression... phobic; obsessive compulsive disorder... and so on. BpD and such.
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With trauma; my problems I complain about with the first girl I loved or the school system in grade school; non functioning in junior high; not able to fight off bullies; going into freeze catatonic like modes... later; dropping away from talents. Not being able to work.. non functional on job situations after awhile.
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And when I got worse mentally; alcohol. The whole world I dropped away from or it dropped away from me.
I was mad that others didnt try harder to keep me.. That broke my heart; they just let me go for ever like they never even met me.. Unbelievable. But even those monsters; they had their point; the point was; I couldn't even date a Vampire if I didnt show up. And Ive had a few vampires; some cute ones; and didnt follow through or tell them way.
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THE INABILITY TO HAVE A VOICE>
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Without going into detail of why? Has to do with MOther/Father; I could not express to anyone why I was acting the way I was acting; thus; when I became aloof; I never explained why; and thus relationship and relationship potential died and separated itself from me. If I could have explained myself; those women would have given me a try; but I never did talk to them or work with Them; and they just separated and went their own way; No one asked why I did what I did or why I acted the way I acted; they just kind of covertly secretly left and never came back.
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IN THE PRESENT:
So; the universe has opened up the primary door for me of understanding;
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I have a problem Ive had all my life; it resembles a kind of severe autism that keeps me in my own world when Im around others. Its not autism; its a kind of disconnection to the world that I had when as young as I can remember. Ive had a kind of anxiety that didn't allow me to use my intelligence or apply it to anything. And I could not explain myself to anyone if I would lose potential relationships over it.
NOTE: extremes immaturity to the point I cant work or have relationships..
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When things get worse; My mental condition goes completely dissociative and Not home anymore... hopefully that will never happen again like before...
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SOLUTIONS;
Today; Im seeing this full shade of grey I live under from the mental conditions; Im seeing the full picture. At least Im seeing the full picture of my past from a certain area of the pie chart...
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So; I can describe the symptoms and the outcomes of those symptomes.
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So; the world is my oyster... meaning; I can do what ever I want. I can try many things...
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Im always working with the universe on all things; I have a full set of goals and purposes to work on all the time; all day long including hobbies and callings...
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Ill be practicing relationship stuff to get better and re learn if I can how to talk to people about my conditions; about how I shut off before I can shut on again so others dont leave me through mis understanding.
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I have 2 goals; A girlfriend and to play my music creations live.
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The problem with the girlfriend is not the girl; its my condition and working through it until I know I can confidently handle situations and learn to ask for what I want and tell the other person what is going on or what is going to happen; the kinds of problems that will come up for me; the shut downs and avoidance. And allot more.
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2 new areas of strength. One area of insights.
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As I look back.
I remember sharing a locker with someone in high school; a popular jock on the football team. within months of 10 grade; I will be shunning him; getting out of his locker; and I will be shunning everyone. I we be reaching out more for God and less for popular people.
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I will walk in front of him down the hall; he will kick me in the backside because hes behind me. Its a kind of sign that Im no longer with him or his friends... or one of them anymore. Im starting to get strong enough to remember this small but important moment of very short but intimidating bullying. It was like I was leaving the gang... walking out. Im starting to see myself walking again on my own up against that guy. That level again...
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FIRST LOVE: Im starting to write in dialog allot more meaningful stuff to her; as if we are talking together at her house; but im starting to get more confident and really let out my feelings to her; tell her who I really and who I am really not; Im starting to get my voice back of who I am...
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Im starting to realize; I wanted nothing to do with her and I had made a mistake; she was another popular scumbag I wanted nothing to do with; I was walking away from her as well as all the others; I did not want a future with her; she was a creep sycophant just like the rest of them... No thanks. But I found myself completely alone accept maybe 1 or 2 guys and thats it..
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The problem with walking away from someone I had falling in love with in the first place; The love remained for what I remembered or thought of her when I first met her. But non of it was real but the child me in felt or saw it... So; in the future I will be humiliating myself; calling her and telling her how I felt about here; that I loved her; she was my best friend and I was in love with her. But since I was no longer popular anymore; I dropped that in high school; I was no longer in the in crowd and I was nobody again; My Choice...
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I lost the girl and everyone else I can remember; O well. I now look back on it with all safety. I realized what I had gotten myself into and I wanted out!
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I dont base my future with someone because they are popular or not; I base it on whether I like them or not. If I like you; and suddenly without warning; your not popular anymore; I still like you completely just as I did before; nothing has changed; alas; dealing with fair weathered friends.
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I lost the girl; but Im the one who got rid of her in the first place; I just wanted to run home to my room and hide and never go back...
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So; My footwork. Im starting to get strong enough to see my legs holding me up in real time; thus taking over my walking; meaning Im aware of it; thus; I own my own space and walking; and I have to get stronger at it...
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Im getting stronger by the work with the universe; This will take allot of time. A long time I think to slowly get my legs underneath me again. Where I own my own space again and feel safe..
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Im slowly making my way back to being present again; THis is truly ruff stuff and its scary stuff; its outside stuff.. Its me out in the real world... Not easy to want to be awake again in that place; Im working with God on that; thats what all the visualization and working in my imagination are about!
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