July 2025
June 2025
Ive finished phase 8; That means technically and realistically Im don't with First Love; It means its past tense.
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I was watching the crime channel; numerous fascinating and competing crime channels of very good quality on Youtube.
I dont think Im the only one watching; I think they are becoming very lucrative and popular these days; I just love them; they take my mind off everything; I can hide away and ( in my imagination) become sleuth detective and feel like Im helping with the investigation. And everything goes along fine until they spring the truth of the true grueling monster criminal and what they have done; and then Im completely over taken and floored... and put in my place. Shocked and glad to be alive on the other side of the world. And those poor people; the causalities mortally wounded who are gone for ever!~ My God... RIP...
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When a serial killer has been caught and is in prison; the crime understood figured out; sentence has been given; the criminal safely behind bars. Yes; the crime is over and nothing has not been uncovered about the case; the truth is out. And for the families of the victims or even the detectives; they are glad the criminals are off the street and the world is safe again. So; from a far distance those detectives and on lookers of the case can feel safe and secure in their solid little corner of the world. The criminal is gone from the public forever.
However. The fascinating story remains; and it can cause many different emotions when remembered; but its past tense because; It is.
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And so it is with I believe most of the important players of my past. Im not living in the past with them. Its not entirely fixed; Sexual abusers are another case; part of me is not rescued yet... Im still traumatized.
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However, the last true person to work on was FIRST LOVE; And she; like a cold case that was solved; this case has been solved and I moved on awhile ago... Im so grateful. However, I need time to process what life is like without this crutch within me.
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I need much time to process out all the old memories of her while they still attempt to take over my mind and set me back to the puppet I used to be. However; in general the case file is closed... Im not sure how I feel about that; I have a strange ghost feeling of remorse; but I feel much more safety as Im on this side of the world and not that side..
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My history reads as I am a victim of case file of crimes unearthed and unfinished.
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MOVING ON;
What is next.
Well;
Its seems I move on to the next half... Ill explain.
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I believe I reverted back into a child state because of overwhelming trauma; reality was so hard their was no place to escape into reality; so; My altimate focus was to go back into childhood..
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Now; My goal is to come out of that childhood and come back to being myself.
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The child in me ran back to childhood. He could go no further; it was impossible.
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MY Father and My first Motorcycle.
This appears to be coming up; it has some emotional weight to it and a kind of case file exists around it that needs to be solved so I can move on.
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I believe Ill start here with this situation about the motorcycle. This will be one of many smaller issues ill deal with that spring up for me to solve. When one of these smaller personal injuries is looked at figured out and healed; I move forward.. I move out of childhood back into being me again living now.
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This is uncharted territory for me. I can see several areas beginning to pop up wanting the day of light and the truth to shine upon them so they can burn away into the atmosphere and I can live again and not be trapped by the past.
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I see the sexual abuser
I see skateboarding
I see bullies in the park at my grandmother's house...
I see the school system in 7th grade
I see bullies in 7th grade
I see bullies in 12 grade; someone what embarrassing
I see being bullied and controlled by sexual abuser in 12 grade...
I see bullies while working harvest after 12 grade. What a mistake that was. Ill talk about it.
I see no accomplishment in college classes; Ill talk about that.
drumming interest thrown away... this hurts.
disfranchised relationship situations; dating random weird girls for no reason; no one I liked; nothing; did not feel anything; nothing making any sense; ill soon break up with them very quickly. never ever gets off the ground.
I've got a lot more of these hidden traumas; These traumas are hiding under the ledge of the stairs; one might say. Ill have to keep writing to get to the final truth.
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More answers coming up... Developmental trauma disorder.
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