July 2025
June 2025
The war is not completely over; Still some areas to work on; Ill explain. Still some areas to work on concerning this Division/sequence of the the major greater grand perspective.
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Ive warred through this segment/slice of the strategical graphic.
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This slice of the pie chart.... Im now cleaning up.
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FIRST LOVE: Not done yet; Sigh!!!!! However, at least 2 segments to go...
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1. Trying to be released from that moment I thought I had a best friend I could trust. And how I was played during that time period; the played the roll of innocent girl that liked me; It was all faked. And thats what I have to get over.
2. Im trying to remember; When she turned into her real self and was no longer play acting a nice person. And from her real self; she felt nothing for me; she was just playing me and laughingly moved on without a thought of ever hearing from me again or seeing me again.... She could care less.
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So; in general; I have a few more battles concerning that person. I believed her; that has to be changed and I have to accept no one there to believe about anything. So; Ive got a few more areas to battle through. Not fun. Has to be done. Heart rendering... Pain! But the pain and heart render is not attached to anything other then my fantasies about the person. The real person never existed. IT was a product of my mind! What this means? A person did exist; but I was living on my fantasies about the person. Maybe something told me right from the start; this person wasnt safe and so I would or could never attach to her or connect to her; not safe. And maybe I had all ready fallen in love with her and realized; it was for nothing... So I went off into my own dissociated fantasy world concerning her and my feelings for her... kept it to myself.
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I was offered the real person in real life; I turned it down! And Ill be working on this. This was 2 much reality. I could not handle the reality of being with a real person... Ill work on this.. to much PTSD> and past stuff coming up all the time. I was in a dissociated fantasy state; that is all I could handle. I would have liked to have told someone but no one seemed to care or understand. Thats what I thought.
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ITs as if i wanted the fantasy version of a person because i couldn't handle liking myself enough to be with the real person. IT was 2 much reality. The problem is; the real person in the real world liked me and would have gone out with me. But I didnt want her; I wanted my fantasy; I wanted to go through my fantasy; not her. But later; secretly I did want her; but by then the offer had been rescinded. And thats where I talk to God...
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So; Im battling to come out of the fantasy world into the real world. I mean; thats all any of this has ever been about; the blogs; my goals; To get control of my thinking again.
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CONCERNING FIRST LOVE: This is not just about the old first love. Its about changing my behavior now. I dont want the old me and its tactics that apply to an old un successful life; I want something new. So; I have to change; want into; Im working toward it because I believe again that change can come. And thats what all this writing is about... and more. Change is appearing; Im changing with it and I think my life is coming back... My heart is seeing good things again.
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I had dreams when young; trauma hit; and I was smashed on the other side; the inner circle of the trauma anxiety wall; and thus never grew.. I stayed the 2nd grader who watched TV to gather his ideas about the world. The few times I headed out into the world I was taken advantage of; thats all that happened. No one was ever interested in me.
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Im interested in going back out into the real world; thats what Im fighting for; working on; thats all this has ever been about.
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All dreams were destroyed.
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So; Im on a worthwhile venture to get them all back.
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What has returned so far;
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Music creation
Art creation
Creative story writing ? 50/50.... Ive not worked directly to get writing completely brought to the present. However, with work in other art fields; this breaks over into other creative frields; not completely but some influence exists.. The problem with creative writing; I havent focused on it. not much; a little at times...
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Money 50/50... Ive manifested a few things; some beginning things. Money tho; is still on the other side of the anxiety wall..
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Women; 50/50 Ive shown great progress working within the anxiety field and a little bit outside it. Ive had great progress interreacting again at basic levels; relative to where I was at 10 years ago. What about dating and being ready for relationship; NO! unfortunately; relationship are on the other side of the anxiety wall. I have to make my way completely over or through the anxiety wall concerning women. I have to heal and come back to society and be part of myself again; and actually; thats happening.
First LOVe must be completed and Ive moved on...
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FIRST LOVE: 75% Percent. And there natural heart rendering fear of actually accepting shes gone or the loss of her. I can feel it; its like the Titanic when it goes down. The lies; the dishonesty of losing my life or my future focusing on someone that is all ready gone. That has to be dealt with. And I think my whole new way of life and goals is an antidote to this... thats what Ive been working on.
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The work on First Love has one objective; That after figuring out what happened with first love; and letting go of it; I can become present again and find another First Love in the present now! ANd this is happening; still have this one area of pain; " WHy didnt it work"; it hurts; the part of me that loved her... loved her so much; its like; what was it for? SO; Ill have to get over that and move on and allow GOd to take over.
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Keeping clean house. 60/50% In some cases; Ive made great lasting progress. However; In my elderly housing situation; I still need others to show up for room inspections to keep my place clean and tidy.
My place is organized and not cluttered.. But clean clean. its not always clean. Bedding is always a problem; cleaning clothing sucks the big one. I will still leave dishes in the sink all the time. If I had an inspection every 2 weeks; things would stay tidy!
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CAR/Transportation; 10% to 15%; Cars are on the other side of the anxiety wall; way on the other side. I dont have any answers for them accept money; enough money for such things; its up to GOd. and Id have to be up to speed concerning them. I can use one for vacations; it would be nice. But they are expensive...
1. I can always take the bus
2. Uber...
I have to really look into this...
Transportation has scared me a bit.
Cars and such are expensive things.
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Ill end with that...
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So; Some things have been brought back to me. Music creation and and understanding of its connection to the outside world and a feeling of being strong enough or safe enough to participate in the outside world.
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ART Creation; Its less then the music situation. 75%... Art is mine; it is back. However, Ive not worked with for a long while. I understand I need artist communities to belong to online and where I live in the real world. However, Ive not ventured much into that yet... Still murky a bit.
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So; aS iVE mentioned; movement is occuring. Work has been done is being done to bring me back inline with a higher power and my original life so I can live again. This time; I and God are bringing my life back; not someone from the past. I do have a major amount of support. However, I keep most of my life; if not all of it private from those people and everyone else.
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My main work is to work through the anxiety wall; bring back all my goals and dreams from my earlier life; bring them into reality where I can work on them on a daily basis and this can only happen in reality. If these interests are in a dream world; nothing will be present. I cant touch something that is not present. The goal; working with God is to bring them into the present; Birth them!
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HOW IS RECOVERY LIFE;
Recovery life is a strange combination of being someone else publicly and being covert about it so i dont cause any trouble. I got to allot of recovery meetings and I speak at them. I have allot of different sides to my personality. And I only show 1 if I can help it. I play a low key role. If someone has judged me and thinks Im a fool. Good; Ill go with that. Ill play that to the end as long as they never get to close to find out who I really am. I did not go to these meetings places to get personal or be a great person; I went to save my life. When I found out I could do more then just save my life; I could apply procedures that would allow me to regain my life and live it? I got on with the work necessary for such tasks... and Im still at it.
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So;
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So; I would live in my fantasies; Id think about a beauty queen; Id fantasies about her; day dream about her. and then one day; My GOd; I got to meet her; and some how we started hanging out together. And then it happened; she jumped up on my lap wanting me. and I threw her off and ran home. I did secretly want her; but I could not come up to speed for the reality of it. it was 2 much for me. I ran home; stopped associating with her and went back to fantasizing about her...
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Later; I might have seen her again. she may have layed down in my lap again or even tried to get me to ask her out; I clammed up...
But later; I was mad at her for not understanding. However, in reality; What could she do. Ill have to work through this. because I think she owes me something; their was just something wrong with it.
I was around the wrong person. Ill pray about this. Pray about the right people to be around... the right people to get started.
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I have this anxiety wall keeping me in keeping me from participating in my life or moving out of the anxiety wall; most of my goals require Im outside the anxiety wall. Thats what Im working on from past to present to understand what happened and how to visualize my goals and move forward.
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