July 2025
June 2025
Relationships;
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Im starting to get closer.
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Ive worked through a lot of things...
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The closest Ive gotten to working anything through with women was yesterday; I said to myself why talking to a women; I like this relationship God; Make it closer between us. I like it; I want more of it; I want us to be closer to each other. I did this as a kind of test and it kind of worked. I started addressing her head on; and she kind of responded to me; in front of me head on; laughing. It kind of worked. Thats the magic I was looking for. This was with a stranger; but what happened was; Success. I was having authentic success with women. Thats what I was looking for; the way into that.
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Its almost like saying the war I had as a child; the war is over and Im moving into new areas in my life. Im getting relief from the wars of my childhood; Im in this new phase of healing; and that means Im on the sidelines from the war; for me the war is over... Ive walked away... Im going home now.
So; Im starting to work with God to learn how to live again.
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So; Im practicing new techniques..
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Im experimenting outside a bit; just a little bit; its dangerous; I dont know those people.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
What does this mean?;
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Ill use music as an example.
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For years I could not function musically; I could not write anything. I could not finish anything; I could not memorize anything; nothing. I could do nothing. Lately; After working with God for a long while; Things have gotten straightened out. Im inline with who I am and my inner being and God; its gotten kind of straitened out.
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I moved from someone under the lash of musical disfigurement to a place of knowing. Im on the other side know; A place where I can create music and perform it if i want to. Its not easy or its really easy or the process is overwhelming or its not; but the abuse from the past and the restrictions from the past; the anxiety walls; They are gone? Well; is that correct or; Ive overcome them; God doing it. GOd has moved me on into my manifestational desire concerning music.
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What does this mean;
It means Im just starting out; but Im starting out on the right track ( No pun intended; " Right Track"; suggesting music recording track). I got straitened out and now Im in a whole new musical life with endless possibilities if I want to work for them; I can work for them. In the past; work was dysfunctional; so working did not cure anything; To many walls; I could not move.
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So; with Music; Here is an example of being cut off from myself for years and years and years; lost in the fantasy of someday; lost; never really able to align with anything correctly. Never breaking that cycle; But; that cycle has been broken... So; I was lost and now Im found; things have changed and Im on the other side of production; its not fantasy anymore; Im actually using my instruments again to write songs for the real world. Its hard work and I still deal with trauma; but Im not completely dissociated from doing anything with music in the real world; The properness of it all came back to me... The right alignment.
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RELATIONSHIPS:
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Ive done allot of work on relationships; is it possible for these anxiety walls to fall just as they did with music and suddenly Im starting over again in something new; In a new world of relationships done under Gods care correctly. IT happened with Music.
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ITS HAPPENED WITH MUSIC:
This is a key to relationship success. Im looking to have success in relationships. IT happened with music; can that be transferable to relationships; YES; Ive been told by experts in the success field; that it can.
If I can break through in one area; I can be convinced I can break through; thus the brainwashing of defeat is not working anymore; Ive already broken through on several fronts; the brainwashing that I have to continue to be defeated in an area; is a lie!
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If I can break through with music; I can break through with relationships.
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To break through with relationships; ill have to be more on my knees to God and give way to God to come down and break it through; get me straitened out and aligned correctly with my inner being and God.
I think abusers; sexual abuse has scared me from going down my own pathway.
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The old ways of thinking where I was hurt; wont work.
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FIRST LOVE:
I was not in my pathway. I was in her pathway; I was in her way. God did not bring us together; I did. I forced the issue. I went to her bowling lane; I had to cross several of my lanes to get to hers; and once their; I aggressively swept her off her feet. But their was really no reason to bother; she was not going to stay with me. She already had a strong developed pathway going in the opposite direction. I meant nothing to her because I didnt need to mean anything to her; She didnt need me. And she would have never met me if I hadnt cross lanes into her lane. She would have never diverged into someone elses lane; she did not need to. Her lane was protected and privileged and already developed. She was pathological. This means; if i had never met her and I walked by her; she would see zero value in someone like me; I would have been quiet. She would need depth to figure me out; she wouldn't even try; it would not fit her narcissistic spoiled or privilege life. It sounds like im trying to be mean; but Im trying to be altra realistic; She was a spoiled rich kid with no concious. Im cautious and honestly working with God when I say that. What I mean by that; I was not invited. No one asked me to save her. No one asked me to know her period. I was not invited. I was not invited to the party; So; what ever she needed in her life was non of my business; literally; God never asked me to intervene in this persons life; I was not even supposed to know people like this... I wasnt suppose to be within 10000 miles of people like this... We were from 2 different upbringing cultures. I was a destroyed desperate broken hearted lonely person who needed help; I needed psych help from trauma. I was desperate lonely and destroyed and reaching out for help. The people I got involved with entangled my arms and then gut;d me like a pig... Murdering me for the fun of it; but isnt that what the rich do... some of them; the corrupt ones... Their children! I had no business being around them... and I guess I was Jealous and that made me mad that I was not one of them or accepted by them; I was worthy of such things. But later I will realize just what kind of real scum I was dealing with... This First Love played me. Allowed me to think she was broken or in need; it was a joke or a ploy; she was playing me.. She knew she could get away with it; I was a broken person that she would never see again; so it didnt matter to someone like her... I never even understood that was going on at the time. I thought I was dealing with a stand up person; I had no reason to think other wise. Never enough thought I was dealing with some degenerate scumbag. It scares me now to look back on it and think about it. Sickening... The point is; this was a stranger who had nothing in common with me including any humananty; The question is; what need did I have to turn this stranger with different value system; what need did I have to bother this person or this persons life; What was I trying to gain; and why did I try to turn them into something they were not. And why did I even think I got to the friendship level with this person; I didnt; this person never wanted to be friends with me.
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The point About First Love; I was in the wrong for ever meeting someone like this in the first place; I took real chances skipping over my pathway over others pathways; freely going down someone elses pathways to end up on pathways of people I knew nothing about it; and I will pay for it....
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The point is; These people like FIRST LOVE: are people of an old way of thinking; for my old way of thinking. They are of another dismal light of horror and no hope.
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FIRST LOVE: I wanted her as a first love; Im not so sure she wanted me; I dont think she did. I think she just went along with it until she could find a way of getting rid of me. Knowing my own value; I did not understand or take the hint. These were evil stuck up people who depend on popularity for their worth; and the family money for their worth I guess. THey weren't down to earth for a reason; They never wanted to be; and worse; they never had to be.
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What Im looking for the universe to do for me? Flip this over; flip me right into a new relationship life where its straitened out; straitened out like my music is straitened out... For the first time in my life; Im creating music in reality.
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I would like for the first time in my life; to be involved in the relationship creation process in reality. Ive not been in reality; working in reality in any area actually. Its just starting for me kind of; like Early access game...
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The only area I can think of is the recovery process; and mountain biking; both are similar; both are about relief.. neither is much brain power; they are both kind of brainless but they are physically good for relief... but thats more medicinal. Im not suggesting mountain biking cant be brainy for brainiacs. Im suggesting because of trauma; all i could do was ride a bike.
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So; with music; I was bounced by God from the fantasy world into the real world'; and its for the first time.
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And I would like to go from the fantasy world of a broken child concerning relationships to being bounced into the real world where I can start for the first time with relationships.
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ITs happened with music. Ive seen it partially happen with Art. Ive made great strands with relationship concepts and materials... But Ive not been up to speed yet to bounce to the other side into reality with relationships; 2 much work to resolve with FIRST LOVE: But thats getting worked on and resolved in a way. Maybe enough... Because; im starting to see situations of an earlier remanent.
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BEING 2 PLACES AT ONCE>
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Im at this point where the universe is now allowing me to work on the past and create in the present; something new; At the same time.
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In the past; it was either one way or the either... I thought i had to thoroughly finish one mis understood situation to the other. I had to finish something completely. Well; with the universe; it seems I dont. I have to be well under the wing of my higher powers will and developing and then I can branch off and try something new while still being under the wing of my higher power... Its a kind of privilege from God. Its a gift from God! I was given this gift; gifted to me.
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So; I think Ive made some statements that make sense in this blog; awareness opened up here... .
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1. I was in fantasy; a broken child level fantasy; never being in touch with anything real; I only had my dreams and no way to act upon them; way to dissociated. But after working with God; I was flipped over into the real world with new information on how to survive and start in my new world; But start for the first time. Thats important to say Ive never been in reality on these subjects before; Like music creation for live performance or things like romantic relationships or any kind of real relationship; have never been in any!
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First Love ; trying to help me; help me understand I was not wanted there.
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She did not like me or want me on her property... nor ever wanted to meet me. In the end she felt the way she did the first time she met me; abruted or up-brupted; and bothered She was uprooted at that moment and never wanted to be by someone like me. I was a nuisance she wanted gone. She did not take me seriously and never would. She was trying to send a message; I was never wanted please go home.
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The point is; I was a broken child looking for my parents to love me from others; and others were not called to do so; they had their own lives; they had no interest in mine. ultimately I was forced to leave.
I was like that brother that comes back to live with one of his brothers and they get tired of me living there and want him to leave.
Our partner
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