July 2025
June 2025
Whats with me getting with these con artists that screwed me over.
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God is slowly trying to wake me up. I remember; I did not get with nice people; I got with con artists. I thought I had it made. I thought I was one of them on the high life. Instead; I began to faultier because that wasnt really me. They had no concious. What ever they were; I have to take responsibility to knowing them. I did not pic nice people. I picked monsters. I picked arrogant sociopaths who finally turned on me. I remember turning on others when I was around them; and then I became a human being; and then I was written off by the monsters. I became who they dumped.
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They played and lied to the whole time. The whole time.
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The question God has for me now is; Am I going to go find more trouble makers like this. More indecent spoiled lawless people... sickening... Thats not what I really wanted...
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God specifically wants me to see that I did not choose nice people. And as I start to get to know myself again and God. I am to understand that I am to pick sensitive nice people and no others... THey and I are of a special lot; we are of a specific tribe. And I did not do that before. I met horrible monsters; illitists. They could get away with thinking they were better then everyone simply based on their families money and being pathological liars. THey were sociopaths. I was just a traumatized lost person looking for a friend; any kind of sanity.
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Im looking back; God is helping me look back and go; " MY GOD; What Have I done?"! how could I have gone in that direction. What was I thinking...
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I tried to get involved with them thinking I could help them; because of this they played me the whole time; set me; waited until I took the bait and then pulled the rug out from underneath me and I was destroyed. I mean; They were murder'rs.
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But this blog is for he awareness of why? Why did I meander into their lives. In a sense I cut my own throat..
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I will say this; God is starting to show me the kinds of people to associate with.
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ANd Im starting to see that when young I was around people who were acting those parts those rolls; but were covert narcissists... many of them. I was being fooled.
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Today; Im seeing those sensitive people in my imagination; I can see them as I can see the kind of people they are.
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I tried to turn bad people into nice people; I got destroyed... I wobbled out; confused and broken. Now I get it...
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So; Ive asked GOd to lead me to these nice sensitive people I fit in with. People that dont fake me out then turn on me and turn me into weakling who got dumped so they can have something to laugh at... unbelievable.
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It is unbelievable until God points out and I point out and my inner child inner being points out; " WHat was I doing around them in the first place; those are not my people". of course; I had no people.
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I made a mistake thinking I had met other stragglers who were nice people but lost and I would help them; we would help each other; I did this with a bunch of rich kids who didnt need me any body; not a bunch but some; and I didnt know what they were or cared. I dont even know how I really ended up around them. Im not sure and Im not sure I cared.
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I didnt know what rich meant. I just saw them as young people at the time like myself; not money oriented things. They were just kids... I mean; younger adults at the time; nothing more. but I was wrong; I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. Maybe I thought it was safe to be there. I could just try to kind of like fit in. It worked for a while; a very small while. but I did not have the credentials for this. I had gotten myself into the wrong situation.
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I needed to learn to work with God and go off in a direction of humility. I dont know how I would have stayed safe; I dont know. Thats all I wanted. These people I associated with had no concious. Nothing! They would never care if they ever saw me again; they would never think twice about it; they would not have to! ever! never cross their minds; the value of a thing.
Nothing.
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Now; I take the position with GOd of; What in the world was I doing up and around those people for. One reason; my innocence told me that maybe they were just like me; thrown aways and neglected.
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Im not sure how I could have wondered into that arena with those people; obviously I did not have a chance with them because I was not one of them... They are cold monsters with no hearts... no souls.. Nothing! and I found myself totally alone and stripped of everything human I had.. I had been fleeced; ripped off.
Im mad about how close some of those people got to me physically intimitally; and it was all fake. It was a thrill kill for a spontaneous ride; and nothing more. sickening. They were trying to fake someone out.. fake relationship... see how close the could lead someone on... THey didnt have to worry about offending GOd; they had no souls or conscious; GOd would and will never be a part of any of their lives.
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God is showing me; Why did I end up around people like that...
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God is showing me; make a story of the new sensitive tribe of people like myself that I would like to end up around.
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Im starting to see it; my tribe. I have no idea where they are; who they are; where to start looking; but my sensitive feelings and feel what they maybe doing with their lives. The kinds of people they are... They are hidden people doing things very humbly no one would ever bother with.. something like that.
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Ill pray about it...
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Ive started writing stories about this sensitive tribe and see if I can feel their attributes and have God lead some of them to me that I can meet them.
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Concerning First Love; detachment is beginning.
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What does this mean; its means; at the core; the last holding thread she has had on me was a kind of false impression of being one of those sensitive lost souls like me. Who was actually sensitive and nice person but thrown away. She came across as this kind of sensitive deprived person of needing love and support and attention.. She gave off this kind of acting; and it was acting; It was a giant fake acting job. And I recognize it as acting. THe closest she got to me was in this faking of her personality into this sensitive person to see how close she could get without being detected by me; how long she could play this game with someone who was weak and disturbed ( Myself); who needed a friend. I did not get a friend; this was a murder'r; thats all these type of people would ever be;
some kind of monster.
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However, I can see her faking it right now in my imagination; and I dont think she has anything else on me. I think thats it; thats as far as she got. Because of that; I can now see myself detached from her or separating as I go my way from her; from her memories; Now; Im going away spiritually and emotionally; As I look back at this sickening horrified situation.
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Im seeing myself more in the light of who I am. I was truly all alone all my life and dissociated from reality.
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Im starting to see myself again when I was young. I was extremely home bound and never left home.. I was in my own secluded dream world; I was kind of to sensitive to leave home and go outside... I did but it was chancy. it was in my own world. Ive always been an extremely introvert.
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FIRST LOVE:
So; as I go more humble in my memories of my real life; Im beginning to see this clown cannot follow me. She cant go that deep.. So her attachment to me stops and I separate and go deeper. And this is where I escape under her memories and run for it into the ever darkness of the woods of my mind.
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Im hoping this will be a real detachments.. and I will become more of my real self; and by doing that; separate from those memories of her.. I dont need them anymore; they are making me sick to my stomach... She is making me sick to my stomach...
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I see her memories slipping away above me; like she was looking for me and I was hiding very low in a drawer in the kitchen as a miniature.. I was hiding by the knives and silverware in the corner of the drawer. She opens the drawer in slow motion and looks around; she continues to look around but sees nothing and finally gives up and shuts the drawer and thus I am safe; I am so fare under her memories; they cant find me anymore. Ive let go and gone back to becoming my real self.
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Its a start; its all from God.. Hopefully I can keep doing this kind of thing and slowly come out of the frequency of those past losers... And come back to my decent self.
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I understand now the kind of people I should be around; they are o my; o so sensitive and hiding somewhere... Maybe never ever going outside ever.
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Ill pray about it.
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So; Im starting to change now. Im starting to remember who I am.
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Ill keep working with God on this; asking God more n more.
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Its about escaping for me; escaping the memories; getting so fare past them into a new life they dont exist anymore...
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No one ever knew me or cared; I was just trying to escape. Some people fooled me because I was completely innocent and never knew anyone was trying to fool me so I did not question it; and that is how evil the world is... how full of contempt cowards are for real people. May God continue to lead me down my new developmental life.
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