July 2025
June 2025
Im heading in a direction of getting to the truth concerning my past...
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In many cases in the present and fair past; a fair length of time; because of my need for connection and attention after being thrown away... I ended up around the wrong people; somehow; I moved on from that... I guess I wanted to be someone and thus I picked and tried to manipulate popular people. I actually needed help and just wanted a friend; I didnt have any... Not real ones...
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But I moved on. Several women I can remember; I called them allot; But soon just move on... I remember one popular girl I was talking with and trying to get close to; she was popular but she had mo interest in me... I asked her to the movies; she was going to bring another girl with her.. In other words; instead of saying no; I was being played.. But no matter; Something happened with that and I moved on... Many cases of people I saw as sinister and I moved on. THey were never friends of mine. THey never sought me out; I was never in their league or interest; they were never my type. I was desperate for any kind of human connection.
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I was able to move on.
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later; when I met someone I was not suppose to meet; I met them because I was lonely or broken or lost or in dyer situation; I didnt move on. No closure; Ill have to pray about this one and ask God what to do to close it and how to move on with my life again... its all very hard; God has got the answer!
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NOTE: And an answer has come; it is the next day. Ill wait for the next blog.
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Im not sure why God has not helped me more; or gotten me to better relationships. I dont understand it... its been a ######6 joke; thats all this has been... the whole experience..
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Ive had no one to have a relationship with; Nothing!
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The other night at a meeting; a narcissistic women; 2 of them; I watched their antics toward me and others; I was able to spot what they were doing; I would never get involved with them; I never did... and I havent to this day or today. But in the far past I did let myself think I was getting involved with someone... or several. ANd closer was a problem.
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It seems the the question of; " Im I getting somewhere in life" Is all anyone wanted to know; who I was as a person meant nothing to them... and this is a story over n over n over!
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So; I have clung on to lies about the past...
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Ive clung onto people that never claimed to be my friends. I tried to make them out to be friends; but they never wanted to be friends and never claimed to be friends. It would have helped that from the start I was able to asses the situations from a distance before I got involved.
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I was trying to make some people out to be nice people when they were not nice people.. they were monsters. And the question is; what was I doing up and around them. What other choices did I have.
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If I had no safe places to go; what was I suppose to do. Ill take this to God and ask God...
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Im working with God on this. I dont understand...
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Im trying to work through relationship stuff right now....
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Im trying to work through these false people I knew when young... Im actually trying to work through my falseness when young so I can come back to myself and owe no one anything.
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One main problem; making narcissists out to be nice people when they were narcissists... Im still doing this instead of calling them what they are. IT seems its out of desperation; I needed friends so badly. I would like to think at least one person liked me or cared about me.
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Im going to have to get on my knees and do allot of praying to break this cycle of being around the wrong people. I got stuck in a circle of bad people; over n over n over. And I would try to make them into nice people when they weren't nice people; they were manipulators who could care-less about me...
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ITs about prayer and writing new stories to God... I dont know.....
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Were their any nice people in the world to start with...... Not people that looked nice; but people that are nice; anyone of them not judge but ask questions to find the truth about a thing...
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Certain people of the past are the most important to get over! I think they are hard to get over because I made them out to be the opposite of who they are... And that stunned and scared me... it hurt me. its shamed me. Scared me! I thought they were friend material; I was 100% wrong. And when I found out; I was completely slammed emotionally; heartbroken confused and feeling totally stupid that I ever got involved in the first place.
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I remember one girl when I was a boy; grade school; I really liked her as someone to be friends with. I thought allot of her! Her value. I really wanted to be friends with her and others when i grew up. When I was in trouble in junior high school. I remember her telling me to stop bothering her and not to say things about her. Meaning; for me to go away. I wasnt good enough or wanted. That hurt me and shocked me...
I wasnt popular so I wasnt allowed around her... its that simple. She did not want to be friends with me. That was not what was suppose to happen; she was suppose to see me as like the kid next door; a nice kid with all kinds of potential.Thats not what happened. And that kind of thing is going to happen over n over n over! Im going to be discarded suddenly and thrown away! SO; what is the answer to all this. Ill get on my knees and pray about it.
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NOTE: I got more answers from the universe... Ill share them; next blog..
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Ill keep praying. For a long time I just wanted to go to heaven and not be here anymore. Ive never been able to make any friends.. ive been used by anyone I got close to... No women ever had any interest in me; Nothing!
Its primarily been about popularity and money; And nothing more.
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I dont have anyone or know anyone who likes me for who I am.
Ive had some sociopaths and narcissists take some interest at times... I dont even like saying that... Their interests are manipulation; not relationship... control...
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Ill have to get on my knees and talk to God about this.
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More answers next blog
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