July 2025
June 2025
The statement; The truth hurts and the truth can set me free. Im starting to understand what that means; Its hard but; in combination; it makes sense.
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I ran out into the middle of the world when I was young and thought I could find strangers and they would like me; It never happened; they did not like me nor value me. And with mental illness unfortunately; I would not get the hint and leave. In all cases dealing with specific people; no one came to me ever; I went to them. I saw them and thought they would make perfect friends or relationships; I was wrong. I thought they would help me develop me and complete me! And for this reason; I thought God sent them? ( pause) WHAT? GOD DID NOT SEND THEM!!!!
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In many cases; these people were liars! Meaning Satan is the King of all Lies.... So; they had watered down morals or no morals... However, Im not here right now to take their inventory; Im here to take mine...
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Simply; I have to learn to love myself even if others dont. If others did not. I found I put incredible value to what these people thought of me. If they liked me; I was on top of the world. IF they didnt want a relationship with me; I was completely destroyed and went into a state of dangerous depression. I felt they were all I had left in the world; I was desperate to be loved.
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So; here is the truth; and its from several of these people during my life and Ive written about them; I meant nothing to them. And I believe this statement is the truth. They actually told the truth... I meant nothing to them; What does that mean. It can mean many things. I believe some said that to torture and destroy me or they hated me for ever getting involved with them in the first place or they always thought I was beneath them and white trash... They thought they were superior to me...
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The Fact is; It doesn't matter because they told the truth. I meant nothing to them. What does this mean; it means their is no possible way from any angle I could have had any kind of relationship with these people; It could never happen. I could not walk back up to them and say; : lets get together and like each other; Impossible. THey had stated that they did not have a value system to see any worth or value within me. I believe they never saw any value in me the first moment I met them; they felt and saw nothing; I believe this will never change; why would it; they did not have any values to support appreciating anything about me; Thus; no way to ever have a relationship with anyone like this... Impossible; from any angle.
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So; as I said; the truth can set me free; They actually told the truth. I meant nothing to them. This would suggest that the whole time I associated with them; every minute of if; they saw no value in me; nothing. It also suggest they never came to me to start an association with me.. And that is correct; Why would someone who sees no value in me; I mean nothing to them; why would they show up at my door step; for what; Im the last place their going to go for any reason on this planet...
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Why is their opinion of me so important? This is what Im battling with right now... A part of me does not want to let go of the fantasy that something existed between myself and these people when the TRUTH Indicates its simply impossible; I just doesn't exist!
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So; why would I value what someone like this thinks of me; and that is the question; the next question Im wrestling with.
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The problem here is; I was so obsessed when I was young to have someone want me; love me value me see me; I picked random people illogically to associate with; I got what I asked for; I picked all the absolute wrong people to associate with... I wanted a friend so badly; I wanted a future wife so badly... I wanted family so badly; I wanted to belong so badly; I went out and picked random strangers and forced a relationship down their throats... ANd I had no idea who I was dealing with.
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In the end; they did something completely alien to me; THey Didnt Like Me! At some point; I was stopped in my tracks. I was stopped because I wasnt in control; I had fundamentally picked the wrong people to associate with; and all I could do was backtrack and leave.
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I thought there was great potential between us; Why; Was I using drugs? Why would I think that? their was absolutely no potential in these specific people to have a relationship with...
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ALL I COULD DO IS BACK TRACK AND LEAVE: This is the hardest sentence Ive ever heard... This is a real hard thing on my ego and my self worth; its shameful and humiliating to me. Im worth more then this... I might be; but the other person is not to blame unless they purposely came to me trying to scam me. Instead; out of stupidity; I kept calling them to associate with them. I just assumed they liked me if they continued to allow me to call them and to show up at their houses. The fact is; they may have been completely bored and didnt care if I showed up or not; but more importantly; they never loved me or liked me or valued me; Nothing. I meant nothing to them; and that is truly an honest statement.
Because of an honest statement slipping from them; I was able to assess all aspects of relationships and to evaluate the situation while associating with them.
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My Evaluation of my association with these people reads like this.
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1. Why did I ever continue to associate with someone where I meant nothing to them; That is insane on my part. Why would I care if they leave; they need to leave; having a connection to them is fake; Im being fooled.
1.1 Why would I associate with people that have no problem ever seeing me again. They do not want to ever see me again ever; they dont like me!
1.2 I see potential in them; STOP.. WhAT?
2. Why would I find people that absolutely deeply hate me and have contempt for me and I mean nothing to; Why would I find them attractive and want to hang out with them; and hang out with them over others that God could bring me that would actually value me and like me; Why would I try to have a relationship with them. Why?
2.1 Its time to step out and trust God...
2.2; I thought I could save them; they must be just like me; WRONG! Where is the evidence they are just like me? They were absolutely the opposite of me!
3. These people cannot do anything about how they feel about me; its based on their personality; their values and traits... nothing is ever going to change here; Why does it need to change; why cant I just leave; and have GOd bring me better people to associate with.
4. I thought they were like I am; like minded; I was mistaken. I was wrong; move on!
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5. I have to learn to love myself even when others dont; They not only didnt love me; they didnt like me... And its these people I value their opinion of me more then I value my opinion of myself! I have allot of waking up to do here; this is insane...
5.1 I miss their loss; WHAT?
5.2; I miss my own loss; loving myself... Its my job to love myself!
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6. Trauma bond; fierce loyalty, codependency; Im caught; because Im allowing them to have this fictitious roll of catcher in my life; instead of just leaving. Ill have to get my worth back up for myself independently away from people like this... Ill have to work with God and work on it.
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NOTE: Mother and Father are missing; Abandonment; all over the place; Ill pray for help with this.
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7. Ive been abused before and have a very low flat affect to my immature personality. Should a broken person really be associating with people like this; What am I doing? Ill be ran over and killed; they are not going to value weak people! THey will always see me as weak.
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8. Why not give God a chance to heal me and send me in another direction; Give God a chance to prove himself that the universe can bring me all new people that will value and respect me for who I am.. Why would I not give God a chance for this... Im willing to give these people that think nothing of me; I was willing to sell my soul to these people but not to God? I need my self worth back!~ This is crazy! I need my soul back.
8.1 Ill have to build a life with Gods help; not associate with someone else that doesnt like me but has a life... I thought by hanging out with them I would feel more secure. In the end it didnt work that way...
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Ill talk to God. Non of this is easy! But I cannot have people around me because of popularity; Caring about what they think of me is more important than what I think of myself. I cant do this...
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8.2 mental illness problems; I must work with God to bring the right people around who are understanding to these type of conditions and where I have special needs to re learn how to function in society... I have lots of anxiety walls in the way Im slowly learning about... and I would like to use some skills to walk over the top of them. We will see..
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9. I have to learn to stand on my own 2 feet and stop missing people that never liked me in the first place. Ill pray about this ridiculous state of trauma bonding. I have to come out of this; I have to value myself for who I am; not worry about what anyone else is doing.
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10. Its time I hate and devalue the people that hate me. Stop valuing people that want to see me dead...
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10.1 I do not need a past that liked me or didnt like me. I doesn't have to matter; My self worth is created by me and God right now and it must be defended and kept sane right now... What others think of me is non of my business. I have no business being around people that dont like me... I can ask God to bring me people that do...
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SO; Asking God to bring people that do like me. That is an area Ive not wanted to look into.. Im lazy; This is where Im really lazy. And need help; its where Im flat effect? affect? something like that! this plain is weakness.. Im getting it. I have to take my self worth back; stop selling it to others for love and acceptance... Stop! take my power and my value and my worth back to myself. be me again independent... Ill work with God on this one.
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If others dont like me; thats their problem!
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I needed a family to love me. Thats what I needed and thats what ill pray for.
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For some strange reason I picked the worst of the worst in society to be my new family; It did not work; they turned out to be criminals. Not sure what the attraction was. Maybe because they fooled me; they were frauds and it all seemed to easy; when in real life; its not so easy; more would be expected of me.
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One important area of concern. The criminal personality vs the sensitive victim personality; At first the covert criminal narcissistic person can appear as a broken human being; broken and thrown away from family and society. In reality; what im actually looking at is a sociopath but wont know it until I investigate more deeply.
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I start out wanting to save the person because I can take them on to myself and we can be one with each other. In reality; they are monsters non human and Im not aware of it; mistaken identity; and suddenly its 2 late; they are not acting like a broken sensitive person. Things start to go wrong; they start with little things or maybe one big smashing thing.. its always non human attack… its to break me of my identity and humanness..
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So; I have to shake that off; it hurts being low balled and attacked; Ive got to watch it…
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I will pray for a family system… the right kind from God on Gods pathways…
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I was completely mistaken before by the sociopath covert narcissist; and thats not an easy thing to get over… its fraud on their part. But I want it easy to get over… I mean; I have to get over it and move on… Im just being fooled; theirs nothing their… God never sent me their; run!
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When dealing with the narcissist; its this feeling of not being complete without someone else to complete me. For me; that speaks more of being abandon by my parents. And that will not get filled by someone else. I mean; sure; its nice if I have someone… What I need is recovery support groups and a higher power to start with… Anyway…
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So; I should with the proper recovery process work very hard and long to work on mother father abandonment hopefully making progress.. and work my way into a sane way of thinking again… That means aligning with the source energy of the universe; Sunny Jesus for me! And from their slowly work on becoming a whole person again.
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