July 2025
June 2025
Understanding the past; letting it go under Gods supervision.
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First let me say; Ive had numerous people that faked me out or I imagined were my friends and they turned out not to even notice me; I had to work through and let go because they were never really relationships to start with ( they were not my friends and didnt want to be) Given the chance; they would walk away from me and go find someone better. I had to let go of many people that I wanted relationships with; I just needed someone; anyone; They weren't interested; I was mad as hell because Im worth it to them; Maybe to God; but not to these people... And why would I think they owed me anything; Sure I was desperate; I had no family; so; I felt entitled to at least have something from somebody. But it never amounted to anything; it was like finding the most stuck-up girl in the school and going after her to have her. To make her mine; ( But she would never allow that to happen because I was never worth it to her; she was laughing all the way to the bank; she could always get better). If i had her I would feel secure; to have her as a friend; when I knew that person was never qualified to be my friend; they made me sick; but thats before I was desperate. And I was never qualified to be her friend because I never had the money or the family system money to be anyone's friend. If I had the choice; I was never stupid enough to associate with people like that. But when desperate; I went right to them.
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NOTE: Allot of these people wrote me off as fools; Thats because I was even in their presence where I should have never been. I mean; the universe is waking me up to the idea; I was never suppose to be around dangerous unsafe people like this. I mean; the universe has given me an answer; and that answer will continue to grow.
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NOTE; It was insane for me to ever be around unsafe people. Those unsafe people did not call out to the universe to meet me; those unsafe people never wanted to meet me and could careless if they ever met me; They would have NO value for me or anyone else. The universe is helping me separate myself from these people; separate within my imagination from these people.
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Ive got to let God pick my friends and Ive got to stay out of it.
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Even the people I met when young who turned on me; stuck on themselves; thought they were better then me and covert hiding it to spring it on me and see me die; They were not safe; they were not my friends and would never ever think of associating with someone like me; never cross their minds.
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At this point; Its all about one thing; Letting it go. Working through it letting it go; Detective work; LEtting it go... WOrking through it; looking at what's really scaring me about what's underneath all this; and letting it go with Gods help.
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These people had to much power in my life; in reality they were not that powerful; and I know that; something or many things are underneath it; and I believe its covering up my losing my childhood.
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NOTE: I had to make that I was important to these people. I was important in their eyes.. I just had to; When I wasnt...
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NOTE; The universe just sent me a message; the message is; Dont associate with unsafe people; especially people that are completely unsafe. Thats half if not most of the problem here. Thats a major part of the lesson. I walked up into the wrong people. For some reason I was going to create a fantasy around them to be my friend... When they were the most dangerous people in town. it didnt take long for them to destroy me. THey may not have even cared or was thinking about it; they simply had no conscious.
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NOTE; All the little discoveries the universe is helping me with; is helping me look at these scumbags as they are; so I will stop idealizing them.
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I have to make the change over from thinking these people were safe to slowly backing away in my imagination because they were unsafe. These were the wrong people to associate with especially to get help. And I need to work with GOd to stop giving them credit for something they did not do...
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NOTE: One problem I had; I was always cleaning out the room with the rattle snakes; until the message came from the universe; " Stop renting a room in lower levels of sub life; I will always get rattle snakes in the basement. The key is not to clean my room up everyday in the basement; keeping the continuous rattle snakes from entering. The key is to feel better about myself and find a much better place to live on higher ground.
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NOTE; THis idea of learning to feel better about myself and getting to higher ground; that will be the next journey I guess; or one of them.
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BACK ON THE SUBJECT OF UNSAFE PEOPLE>
I may have been trying to save myself and my childhood by running up to there houses and trying to have a relationship with them; I was desperately looking for a new life and new safety. When in reality; I had no idea who these person were; or who these households were...
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Its about these individuals and its not about this individuals; it was the gamble that If I met them and became friends with them ( I never really became friends with anyone); I was looking for safe ground for myself... I wanted to make it out alive from the household I was living in; But thats not what happened and I blame them for not letting it happen. I thought I meant something to these new people I met; I meant nothing because they were never the type of decent person for anyone to mean anything. Some were stuck up people who never wanted to meet me in the first place and their lives would not be any different regardless.
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NOTE: I tried to create a mask of importance when knowing these people. IT did not work; they did not need me... And I just couldnt live with this... So; here is a good place to start; to pull away with God and take a deeper dive; a deeper look of acceptance of who I was dealing with or trying to hide under or with. I was looking for a family I could hide in.. and it didnt work.. Looking back; the universe has made it clear; they were never safe people to associate with. I mean; they would destroy me in a second if they could. Its like; why did I end up around people like that for.
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IN reality;
I did not know these people all that well? I didnt know them at all.
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They were not my friends and never wanted to be and would never be interested in me at all. So; why was I their.
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It was so easy for me to accept others who could never really be my friends; but with these people; NO! NOT! And so thats what I have to work with... Thats the denial starting point. These were unsafe people; not my friends.
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Ill be writing allot of these style blogs as the universe helps me slowly creep backwards step by step out of the realm of these unsafe bad people.
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Ive got to work with the universe (anyway I can) to create safe houses or safe spaces... Something anything to hide in and feel safe with God...
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Note; God did not send me to these monsters. I did. ANd that is a hard thing; So; where or how would God have dealt with me if i only turned to God and waited. Thats what I have to find out. I must learn to work with God on all this stuff so I can learn to feel safe in Gods realm.
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Talking to God about things and learning to trust God; a working relationship; learning to allow working with God to create safe realms for me... thats whats important.
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Ill have to write a hundred of these blogs on this same basic subject; slowly walking away separating myself from those of the past so I can see things clearly.
Our partner
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