July 2025
June 2025
First love; She is on her way out...
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God is slowly working with me to unwind this horrible nightmare....
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Its like a court-case.. I vs First Love In Court; God/Universe presiding as judge over this case and legal council to the truth that is applied to both sides.
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Its as if Ive gone to God for legal council on this subject. And that is a good idea. God presides over this to Indicate what is right and what is wrong and to help decipher what happened here that I may get to the truth accept it and move on.
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I am slowly getting somewhere in this case. The idea is to find the truth; accept it and move on.
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Im getting somewhere here...
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I have a problem; an area still remains I wont let go; ITs somewhere in the beginning. Its pre time period before I met my first love; or the girl pretending to be my First Love?; ( Pretending to be my girlfriend) Or; I would say; pretending to be my friend; That's closer to the truth. It goes on for about a month after meeting her or maybe just a few weeks.
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NOTE; as I reread this; Im looking back wondering WHEN this person ever showed they were pretending anything; THey did not pretend to be my girlfriend or friend or First Love; THey reacted to me being on their property and in their house! They never pretended to be anything. So; What is the lie Im creating about this person and why? Why am I creating a lie concerning that she wanted to be my friend or she was pretending to be my friend; Why? Why am I creating a lie about this complete stranger...
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My defense is; " I was led on"; That is why I kept coming back. I was groomed or fooled into believing something was their; someone liked me and wanted me to show up or continue to show up; However, the evidence presented by God may show otherwize.
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NOTE: I wanted to believe something was their between me and this girl when their was not. And Im the one who had a hard time with this reality! I was entitled and just wouldn't accept it! So this tells me I have to look more into my own behavior and describing my own condition to explain why I kept going up to these peoples houses. Thus leaving other people out of the reason for my behavior. Because that is the problem here; my behavior came from me; I directed it. No one else was directing me accept me! And thats what needs to be looked at; no one elses name need brought up At all. Something sinister was Calderon baking... under the fires of Satan Hell. Something was pathological. Maybe I was turning into a psychopath and I wanted areas to act out in! Yes; Maybe thats what is going on here! Ha Ha hahahahahahahh!
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Ive found that God seems to know all things; all evidence and the evidence suggests the free ability for me to walk away or have walked away from this situation. The problem is; the evidence has not been presented to the child in me; its not gotten through to my inner child.
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NOTE: One problem Im noticing concerning that time; I was over my limit of being ran into the ground; So; I desperately needed help; out of desperation Im running to anywhere or anyone that could help me. Im taking any offers when that offer is brought to me; I dont know what else to do!
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As for the girl up the street; My First love;
My inner being still believes I had a friend or I met someone in an intimate decent innocent manner that liked me.
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The child in me; My defense is; I met someone that liked me ( someone I could trust). The evidence presented against me suggests otherwize. I was groomed to believe this; or led on or fooled to believe this. And that is where the pain is.
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NOTE: So Sad; This was the last person on earth; This girl; That I or anyone else could or should have ever trusted for any reason; a pathological liar potential sociopath; is closer to what I was dealing with and her family of similar nature. However, as Ive indicated; its all really non of my business who these people were; Thats the problem.
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So; Ill be looking at this; was I fooled by this person or; did this person have a right to feel and act anyway they wanted to. It was my free choice to continue to show up around them or leave at anytime... Leaving would have made me mad.
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The evidence seems to indicate I was free to leave at anytime; that no one suggested they liked me or wanted me or wanted a date from me or to have any interest in me; Nothing. No one had any interest in me!
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In addition to this; No one suggested to me that this WASNT the mind of a criminal ( This girl could have been a criminal minded person). And if so; if this was a mind of a criminal with no concious; I would have had the right to leave anytime I wanted to; not talk to the person; just leave. If I thought this person was corrupt or her family corrupt; I could leave anytime I wanted to.
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And any time I believed I was being compromised or fooled. Or I was being seduced for the purpose of being destroyed; I could leave anytime I wanted to...
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Its true; this person may have been immoral; but once information indicated this while knowing her; why did I continue to stick around... Thats where my side of the case begins to faulter.. Meaning; No one owed me anything; I had a kind of entitlement to the person or expectation; obsession
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Expectations;
Did I have expectations; Yes. I had nothing but expectations. I expected the person to take care of me; act in a certain way according to the man rules of the time. However, I dont think they were sincere.. Secretly they were never following any rules of proper conduct. They were immoral. They were doing something else; they were secretly setting me up; playing me immorally to take a fall. And I believe this is how this girl reacted to me; my continued presence at her doorstep. Information suggests that I meant nothing to this person in the bigger general idea of things; Thus; coming to a conclusion that this young women saw me as an unwanted stranger; this evidence continues to pile up.
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If I can accept the evidence that this was not my friend nor had to be my friend no was their some law of the land that would suggest this had to be my friend; this would further the arrangement argument to set me free in the present.
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And this is where I have my biggest pain or argument... This is where its hardest on my ego; That this was not my friend... This was never my friend; never someone who ever thought about being my friend nor was ever interested in getting close to me for any reason.
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NOTE: I can see PTSD; Im acting out the lose of friends in my home town when I was thrown away and moved...
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ANd it is this last statement; " not interested in getting close to me for any reason"; This is what hits me hardest.
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I was led to believe? This is my defensive statement to God. However, God is trying to help me understand that ( No One led me to believe anything). I brainwashed myself in order to believe that this person was my friend; wanted to be my friend and I was entitled for her to be my friend or even that this person was sane enough or moral enough not only to have friends but to suggest she wanted any or even valued the idea of friends; The lie that I was her friend. How could I be her friend when I was never invited to her house in the first place. She was not my friend; And that is a whole other day of writing to figure out how I came up with that pathological position.
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Does she not have the right to not value having friends. Does she have the legal right to not like me or not want me as a friend...
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Did she have the right to not have to explain things to me concerning friendship. I mean; I went to her; she never went to me.
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" I went to her; she never went to me"; entitlement.
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My writing is trying to suggest that God is telling me; working with me that their was nothing their and theirs nothing wrong with that! I am the one who ran with the idea that something was suppose to be between me and this other person when there was nothing between me and this other person; and thats what Im trying to get over.
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This person is and was immoral and evil; pure evil ( or maybe not). A pathological liar with no concious; ( is this true; does it matter?) IS this illegal? NO! They have to break a law for it to be illegal and they did not break any laws at that time against me by not liking or accepting me; when I was first introduced to them. Again; Im suffering from Entitlement.
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Just because I was Introduced to them; Why would that indicate that this situation should go any further.. And their is another example of entitlement. And another example of something more sinister. If it were her mother; I would not think this should go any further; I would have never thought about it; But because she was a ( cute illegible girl); suddenly I am entitled to her; even tho she is a complete stranger. This sounds more like Im a stalker on the crime channel on youtube!
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God is trying to free me of my own faulty thinking.
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This was a stranger who owed me nothing; Why am I seriously having a problem with this... Im having a problem with it because; I THINK I CAN GET AWAY WITH IT! IM THE CRIMINAL: IM CRIMINALLY MINDED>
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What if they did act immoral and lead me on a bit. I mean; it wasnt even that bad. They LED ME ONE? because I showed up at their door and they responded to it?.
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NOTE: Im thinking this girl was reacting and responding; nothing more. If I had never showed up at her door she would have never had to deal with this in the first place. IM STARTING TO SOUND MORE N MORE LIKE A SOCIOPATH!
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Was I invited to their home every-time I showed up at their door; NO!
I showed up at their house un announced every-time; WHy do I indicate their is nothing wrong with this action on my part; Why do I feel entitled. But I did! Was this person possibly just responding to a stranger showing up at the door; YES! and It meant nothing! Nothing was their...
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NOTE: Why did I think this person liked me or had any interest in me. This is one of the most clear statements I can made concerning the insanity of my condition; By asking this question right now; This solves the whole case... If I can get strong enough to accept what happened here; accept the truth.
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The way I interacted with this girl is not the first time I had interactive problems with people of a similar nature. Ive had this problem all my life.
What broke me this time?. It didnt work!. For some reason I really wanted it to work this time; to be accepted. But what does this have to do with reality.
NOTE: All of this sounds so intruding...
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I was trying to be Right instead of Happy. I was trying to get my resentments cooled from past experiences. I had expectations this persons acceptance of me would prove everyone wrong about me from the past. Those who didnt accept me from the past; this would show they were wrong about me? And it seemed I was going to win this time; someone was actually going to accept me... But it never happened. They turned out no different then the rest before me... And I couldnt live with this. One more person who didnt need me or want me or want to be around me or want to be friends with me; as if there was something wrong with me or I was not good enough.
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I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Thats how I took this rejection... And maybe from this girls immoral stand point; maybe thats what she was weaponizing against me; but does it matter; I mean; if she is a stranger and immoral or corrupt. Does she not legally have the right to do so? Maybe she wasnt immoral and corrupt; Maybe she wasnt anything! Maybe she was just scared and reacting to some stranger that wouldnt leave her alone... And for some reason I didnt want to see it that way but thats the way it was...
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NOTE: I just wanted a home; I wanted to belong somewhere...
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God is trying to wake me up that; This was actually a stranger who never liked me nor wanted to meet me; after meeting me; never liked me nor wanted me to visit her ever again; And their is nothing wrong with that.. They were a perfect stranger.
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Q; Why am I believing I have entitlement over a perfect stranger? For any reason! ANGER! And that is where God is trying to argue his point with me! And at this place I have to get on my knees and give way to God and find out about my own insecurities where I thought this one person was suppose to save me; have a relationship with me; Why? ITs a bit pathological on my part to think so. Criminal minded.
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In the end this was just another stranger and will remain a stranger.
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NOTE: Later; I could not live without her. As if part of me had been stolen by her from her rejection of me.
NOTE: WHat is that about? How is this possible. Maybe I was living in fantasy delusion land. I sound more like a stalker then anything else; a pathological stalker!
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I met someone and I was suppose to just go home; Not stick around and try to become friends with this person.
Did this person indicate at the time I met them; did they indicate any kind of further interest in conversation or physical closeness or friendliness... Anything? NO! In fact; I havent really looked specifically at that moment when meeting the person. Maybe Im trying to hide or cover up something.
Looking back at that moment; No one suggested any interest in me! I remember that moment and the person was looking down at something in their living room while they were talking to their mother. I do not remember anyone taking any interest in me; Infact; they took the opposite. ITs seems they were purposely ignoring me or showing a great sign of dis interest... And maybe that set me off; where I felt I was good enough not to be shunned and Im going to prove Im good enough for this person. And possibly; thats where the entitlement starts.
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NOTE: I could not communicate correctly because of the sick interactions and their affect up on me by my mother... This will play a part in all this... I was sick and mentally ill and needed help desperately. I was being dissolved as a human being. I was so lonely.
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I seem to forget; this person was not my object to "Prove" something on. This was complete stranger and I dont seem to understand it. Its more like I was treating her like she was a doll I had bought at the store to play with in my basement! Ha hahahahahahah!!!! IT was more like I was treating her like she ws a doll I had bought at the store to play with...
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So; What kind of mental condition was I really in before I met this person. How was my relationship with my mother. Was I able to seek any help!!!
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I was in a new neighborhood; and I didnt know anyone. I feel I was applying a friendly kind of neighborly condition I had learned from my neighborhood back home... and I was mad I had been pulled from my school and neighborhood back home. So; I had a grudge; I wanted or need to be accepted somewhere.
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And I had; after being pulled from my neighborhood; I had to live with the same people again who did this to me ( pulled me out of my home). So; I was not in my right mind...
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And some how reporting on this is helping me right now; reporting about my neighborhood and not being in my right mind.
And suddenly I can see the need for help at that time; help from local state agencies because of my living conditions; metal condition.
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I can see that I was acting out; acting out of anger because I had been torn and pulled away from my home; and my father never stood up for me; he ended up being one of the criminals that caused my demise...
And their was no hope with a psychopathic mother..
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And what does any of this have to do with strangers who live up the street; in an area of where Im housed; Nothing; in fact; it sounds like I was acting out. So; Im the criminal here! I Was acting out in a criminal way; thats why I pathologically thought I could walk up to a strangers house and they owed me something. And it really hurts to say this because I really needed a safe place to escape to; anywhere and I thought society owed me; so i picked a victim and turned them into this person or family or group of people that owed me. And much behavior like this did I have; I had been ruined and thrown away over the edge of sanity. And I had no help or hope for my future; nothing; I was being strangled to death like a bull constrictor snake choking my life out of existence. And I was acting out in every direction I could go.
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I really felt this person owed me; her and her family represented society and I thought they owed me because my life was being destroyed so I reach out for help; but it was an entitled angry help call. I really didnt know any other such way of dealing with my situation.
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THE GOAL OF THIS WRITING:
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My goal for this writing is to get my abornal obsession for this girl out of my head. It seems illogical but more dysfunctional that I would ever remember or pick out a person like this to remember; Something is way awful about this; sinister and dysfunctional... Why would I care or bother about one more person who lived up a street; and a group or family that did not or could not or did not want to help me. Certainly; this would not be the first time.
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I guess I was under their mercy; and that bothers me that some group of people had that much more power over me in a community I did not want any part of in the first place. I was looking for help; and all I got was to be destroyed even that much more by a group of people that did not respect me or my plight!
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I was being used; yet; but one more middle class family system; being destroyed was I! and I had no power over it... I was so hoping I would find someone that would love me or care about me or care for what happened to me; It did not happen. It never happened.
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NOTE: I got a feeling as I was re reading this that; I should have never bought into any middle class life style I was brought into; I should have never bought into the idea I was going to be saved in this life by any of those people from those places ever. From the beginning of my life I needed to get the Hell out of my situation and get help.
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THE FAMILY UP THE STREET;
This girl and her family; were they Christians? No! Meaning; I found no they had no suggested interest or any kind of words suggesting they had an interest In God. So; This wasnt even a family that claimed any kind of morality; Nothing! And yet I wanted them to be morality; I wanted it so badly; I wanted them to be the perfect family that would accept me... I guess I was desperate...
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NOTE: I wanted this girl to be the perfect friend!
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I was DESPERATE; This is a horrible condition; However; does this make my condition: This Girls who lived up the street; Does this make my condition her problem or responsibility? NO! not legally. Not at all...
NOTE: And Im having a hard time with that!
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Ive got; I had some inner deeper personal secretive connection to the girl up the street at a really deep level. Maybe a deep deep resentment. Or; a deep connection. But its a creepy connection; because how could it be a real connection with any outside source; What im suggesting is the a connection with myself.
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Did I have a reasonable right to feel a deep deep connection to a stranger up the street; NO! That's a pathological state. And so; I have to take this to God. Maybe I was mad or jealous at meeting one more young person my age who got to live a free life while I did not! But my opinion of that persons life has no merit beyond the inner walls of my own thinking. In fact; I have no business even thinking that... That other persons life is non of my business.
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Conclusion and aftermath..
And so this rolls; day after day; slowly having God temper me back into sanity where my plight was alone when young; I had no one else to blame in general. Meaning; I can blame society; but I cant just go find victims to take it out on; as much as I needed an outlet to my life at that time because I was starting to act out dysfunctionally on other people.
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The goal is to drop this idea of having some kind of inner connection to people up the street at the time and learn through God what I could have done to better my situation. Im so alone through all of this when young... Even now Im alone working through all of this. Im around recovery people but Im still alone.
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The Girl up the street did not like me; And thats what Im bent about! And Ill keep working with God on this for the evidence to roll in until I can finally accept this simple reality that a stranger up the street in some strange town I knew nothing about; they did not owe me anything nor were they suppose to save me... As much as I dont like this. I did not get to use that neighborhood as entitled hunting grounds...
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I did not succeed!
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