July 2025
June 2025
Blog #7
phase 8
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TRUST;
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Im not sure what to think of this but its one of my answers…
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It seems I do want things in society; and that would require trust…
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I like the idea of trusting more then not trusting. Actually I like the idea of finding an answer and heading toward it…
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It seems the best answer and a possible answer is; Trust!
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Trust ( learning to feel safe trusting others and society) is the difference between those who go through terrible things in society and those who do not; Those who trust have come from safe backgrounds. I do not… This I don’t trust; Im not that stupid.
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However, not trusting anything gets me nothing( at this point). And that is a form of stupidity!
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Getting on my knees to a higher power for help is the beginning of wisdom; It is the literal beginning of wisdom; Its the allowing of the universe to implant within my brain the answers that I seek for my betterment on planet earth…
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I have an anxiety disorder and Im stuck!
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Im slowly learning how to face it and walk through it because I want whats on the other side. ( Let me clarify); I am not in control once stepping out into that darkness of the anxiety world.. Im like a 6 year old clueless that wants to practice some kind of development that will allow me to survive; but my maturity does not allow me to have a clue to what that type of development should be. At 6 years old Im thinking about Tonka trucks and match box cars. My focus and interest is in finding the best dirt pile to play in. I would have no other knowledge beyond such levities of gravel assortments… I don’t play in gravel yet; Gravel is something the workman put down on the street next to the house; or something my father buys from the hardware store to put down next to the garage walk away. And it all bores me because at 6 years old; I just want to play with my cars…
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Actually; my life is going fine; it could not be better considering ( within my small legally mentally disabled world); However, the problem is; with so many mental problems… What I seek or have sought and continue to seek is relief from these conditions; Thus I feel like a wealthy man; But lets go beyond this; A wealthy person…!
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I don’t feel like like Im a “man” or martian or any other TV constructed label. I am a “man” if I personally say I am; Thats non of your business or anyone elses… in fact that makes me sick that it ever would have been even thought of as someone elses authenticity label applied… I don’t like the word “ Man”: Its a society middle class structured weapon used against someone. Manipulates use such language to shame others into maneuvering them into one position or another. And Im not in the mood for such immature people with their small minds…
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What is life; is it more then relief; Well; Not necessarily unless Ive earned the right to pursue more; and I have… and thats great; but that is also overwhelming.. This is beyond my capacity ( and I don’t like to admit it); altho I seek relief from my conditions; and I have found several fountains of mental youth to submerge my ice tea jar that I be replenished from that cool cool water; ( and I am grateful); It is kind of an end in itself; it goes no further.. It goes to the end of itself and that is great; it should go no further; its paid enough… I mean; ive explored to the end of that dead room… Its been a flourishing nightmare; 4 small corners is all Im left with because 4 small corners; all I ever started with… Now I would like something beyond this florescent darkness and its carnival mirrors.
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I have the ability to go beyond the room of relief because Ive earned it; However, that does not mean Ive earned the capacity to drive it or turn its wheels from that old plastic green steering wheel.
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Life can exist outside the relief center where it never did before.
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Im mad; Im finding this to be a pride thing; an ego thing. Its not fair Im not developed; Sure; I can make it to the door of the relief building and look outside the adjacent windows; Can I open the door; maybe; but I turn back into a 4-5 year old who is all alone again; lost and thrown away with no clue on how to survive… its like being thrown out into a desert!
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Ive mentioned in my 12 step groups; In the one group dealing with alcohol; I mentioned how hard it was to leave the bar into the real world; I turned back into a 6 year old who could not handle reality when I walked outside the bar; if I left the bar; Id go find a tree; hug it; crumple up underneath it and starve to death… I could not go any further; I had no maturity for anything else… The world looked like a place of slavery and control that I wanted nothing to do with… I had no other insights to survive in it or any reason to…. I saw no worth or value in this place.
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Interesting; but thats the same M.O. Ive had all my life. Ive always been kind of institutionalized in my own little world. Ive always needed someone to take care of me… if not; I did not function; I never have; not in the real world…
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I remember hiding in the college library at a school in another state I was attending when young… Hiding was my main reason for being at that institution; It wasnt to go to school; not schooling; I could care less about schooling or anything else; I just wanted to escape and hide; and if I could find money to go to such places and they would house and hide me for a while; Ill do it.
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I used to look outside that big library window onto the smaller highway; centered lined highway structural that went through town right up close to the college; right up close to the second story windows of the libray; and I would gasp for air because I saw no future for myself outside that library; I just wanted some safe place to go; Like Heaven; some place I could hide. I wasnt interested in society anymore or its evil people and places and things and liars and corruption. I had no interest in the place.
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I could not function outside. Many reasons for this… I was to warn out; mind; from being forced into to many new places against my will; over n over n over! Anyway!!!
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THE POINT OF THIS WRITING;
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Trust;
I might be possible to trust again. Ive earned for the door to be opened to me. Any thing beyond that; Im in the same boat as every other citizen of my country.. No one really owes me anything. Id have to learn how to trust and get back up on my feet and trust again; not throw my life away because something went wrong…
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So; Im getting more alignment; or correct alignment for my existence.
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I don’t know how to negotiate the outside world; I have no idea. Meaning; I know how to go antisocial on everything. I now how to defend myself against things… But that is all; I do not feel safe participating with anything or anyone; by opening myself up; I can be completely stripped of my life! Its happened to many times before..
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I do not fit into any groups of any kind… Nothing at the level of society… Im not that stupid! Or dumb…
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So; I wanna be safe; but I wanna live now! Ive been told many years past; it is better to be happy then to be right! Being dedicated to something is what Im learning about right now…
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Ill have to work with God on God bringing me the right people; I don’t think its ever happened before. If it has my mind was consumed by some lust or fantasy maybe I was focusing on and missed the simple God had brought me. I was so busy trying to get mine and survive; I missed all that God had brought me to have a good life; I don’t know! That actually doesn’t sound right… It sounds more like I had never started because I had never really ever been outside; I had always been inside some building institutionalized.
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In a real sense; concerning trust and trusting in a specific way to build or acquire real relationships and activities out in the real world; I would be starting from nothing and way less then nothing; it would be no different then when younger; leaving the revolving doors of the bar out into a world I could not handle the reality of..
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However, I would be like a 6 year old and I would have to work with God as feeling alone I am; I would have to start with nothing again… or for the first time in this specific nature and color spectrum; I would be blind from innocence? Or pure streamed immaturity. Immaturity is a blinding thing. Its like a blinding black light flash light bomb…. It sends out blinding black light and suddenly I cant see… Thats what its like for me!
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TruST;
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Ive graduated to this place; I can feel it and it feels smooth and the maturity level is upon me! However; my maturity level cannot handle deception; I don’t know how to handle it!
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I don’t have the maturity to be anything other then innocent! And Ive found a world that finds such character to be considered character flaws; I mean; it just gets in the way of so many peoples evil lives… its a nuisance for them; inconvenience and annoyance for them to deal with a decent man… or an honest man… an honest person…
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Most of the “ Honest people?” Ive met don’t want anything to do with me; Im trouble for them; I don’t come from their middle class privileged backgrounds. I was housed..( I am an honest person like them) I found several basements to hide in but no one took care of me or loved me… Sure; a relative would feed me; but Im a human being not a trough. I was like an untouchable from India in the caste system. Thats how I was treated. I didn’t realize from the beginning I was never wanted around by most people or liked by them… I ended at the wrong houses.
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I watched my whole life undeveloped being passed by… I was passed by; thrown away.
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So; after so much pain and defilement; Im suppose to go back out into the world and take more pain? I really don’t know! I mean.
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Trust… I don’t know… Im ready for it… Im not ready for what can go wrong. Im willing to try it.. Ive made it this far; graduated this far. But I don’t know about falling off the gasoline pipe onto the rocky ground below… I don’t know if I can get up; or fight off the natives who are stealing more gasoline then buying it.. I don’t know.
Will I end up where I always end up; being thrown away onto the bi ways; No one has valued me yet! No one anywhere.
I guess this time; I trust God and allow God to being me the right people and allow God to turn me into the right kind of person so I will attract what Im looking for; Ive been told that I need to be what I want to attract; I don’t attract what I want I attract what I am; same frequency; want something different; study and learn how the successful change their frequency into what they dream of. I guess thats what Im working toward. Im a bit scared right now for the process seems haphazardness…
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FIRST LOVE: THE GIRL UP THE STREET;
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God is slowly separating me from the past; and what was in that past Im separating from; Thank God. I Do not want anything from that past coming back to me..
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I had a brother and an Indian cousin who are gone now; They can come back please!!!!
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As I feel and watch the universe advance me forward into my self; I have a change of heart; Im seeing the reality of things from the past and I don’t want them coming back; those that wanted to destroy me and tried to destroy me. I made a big mistake as the truth was right in front of me but I didn’t see it… I was mincing around with the wrong people and I would get turned on and ripped to pieces.. Looking back now; Im glad no one is coming back.. Im glad Im finally seeing them for what they were; what they are! Im feeling starting to get this feeling ive wanted; a feeling of shuttering when I think even a thought about them that pops up; I immediately box it with violent out of my head; and get them out of my space… Im sure this will go on for some time; its not over yet; But it kind of is… or it is… or it isnt; not yet. Its not over yet; It wont be over yet until its completely cleared out of my mind and body; And God knows this and is working on it… The most important aspect of things is my personal power is coming back and my disdain for these people. Im starting to see these scumbags for what they were…
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I used to say that I made a mistake and caused trouble for these peoples lives by associating with them in the first place; Now its just the opposite; How dare they had ever been in my space regardless of the reason; scumbags… insects… How dare they even be.. How dare they even be around me! Scumbags…
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So; as I get better my sanity returns to me. But not yet… Only when they are completely out of my system. And Ive got the one more Ive been working on; and it will take time but God is separating me from this person more n more that I can feel free to feel my real feelings about this person and the past and get rid of them…. Get rid of them from my life… Much more work ahead.
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Music;
Maturity is the problem. Its all overwhelming for me; Ive not been able to be responsible before…
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