July 2025
June 2025
Im Guessing Phase 8 is an introduction of exploring the idea of directly facing something; Either women or old family greif; losing of family and friends and places... The losses of opportunities, Facing that moment of going into the unknown on my own. Turning and facing things and looking down at my belt for my electronic tools to cope with the problem solving.
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My goal is to get over the panic the anger the rage the hatred the contempt the fear of solving problems for myself. Im looking to develop a better attitude.
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It would be nice to know no one owes me anything but I can still get answers. Im looking for that...
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Im trying to solve walls that stopped me in early life; Im trying to bring them up and address them.
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It seems abusers got in the way when I stepped out of my protective world to face things; suddenly they were touching my body and in my face and my space... So I shunned away. I ran out of life/time.
Now; I would like to face all of those things I missed facing when younger. I would like to face them without believing I have to panic.
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I panic'd because I was alone and monsters were coming after me.
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I spend allot of time at 12 step meetings to learn how to over come those moments in my childhood when monsters were coming after me and I had no where to go or escape; nothing. And I watched my nervous system rot away into dried out malfunction...
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THE WALL OF ANXIETY DISORDER; How to overcome it!
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The walls Im talking about are the original walls. These are walls created where I had to physically stop to survive; someone stopped me. I was stopped by predators or bullies or manipulators... I was stopped by creeps; I was stopped by stuck up liars... by spoiled window washers... window watchers...
I was stuck up by Jealous people; scumbags...
I was stopped by those in control where I was in no win situations... And it is those moments I would like to face and go beyond. This is not easy; ITs where my death lays... I have to work with God on this one and become this new person; this technical worker who; with his tools and can walk right past those those lines; right over those lines and go to work on that problem and move forward beyond it. I have to become a new person. Man O man; I dont know what to think about this; I want to go run and hide in past... However; Im hitting the nail on floor board on this one! Im right on the problem; I can feel it. Ill start work on it; start writing stories of taking steps beyond the true wall of anxiety.
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I have to become a different person a new person to face this wall. Ill have to ask God to send me helpers.. Its truly a place of incompetence and fear. or I was criticized as incompetent by incompetent people.
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I was neglected and thrown away while I watched a whole world grow beyond me. Thus I pulled away from that corrupt world that favored only certain groups. I wanted nothing to do with them; I saw through their real colors and just wanted to hide and go somewhere else.
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After being completely thrown away I became the enemy of the terrain.
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Now; I want to face the terrain and walk right over it to the nearest train station and be gone; be gone with another life... I cant say it any better; I want to face the wall of anxiety and work through it and move forward again with my life.
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I get hit with anxiety when dealing with women, when dealing with work issues or school issues or sexual issues or girlfriend issues or friendship issues or social issues or intellectual issues or participating in anything issues or creating music and art issues.
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Its as if Im fighting against everything...
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I want to talk through things; not look for things to fight. Smashing my head against walls is not working...
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I want to imagine something better for myself.
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Learn how to trust...
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As someone said at a meeting last night;
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LIFE IS FULL OF RISKS IF YOUR LIVING IT!!
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I would like to define my risks and start practicing them; and ask God to being safe places and helpers to help me learn how to face things.
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I was thrown out alone with no defense or help or understanding or growth; nothing... alone. I did not survive their; I turned into a twisted animal there... The twisted animal could survive; but that did not do me any good for the real world...
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Its like throwing someone into the forest and one learns how to kill to survive in the forest; only to later be pulled from the forest into the real world where non of those skills help; For everything is backwards.
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What I would like to do is kind of dream about what I would like to have and like to be; the kind of confident independent person who feels safe living right now as I want to be. And learn how to do that.
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Many times I was thought to be in survival mode and not feel safe in life; I would love to be out of survival mode and feel safety around me.
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THis is truly a hard thing for people like me... Learning to feel safe where before true monsters would pop out of walls and tear me to pieces... How am I to relax and feel safe; that is what I want to learn.
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This is the hardest stuff for me. Its almost like hand to hand combat with the world.. I dont even want to be here or be present at those levels; I want to go back to my cave and hide.
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PTSD when will you set me free!
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So I want to free...
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Ill work with God on this one...
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Its hard to know what direction to go!
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Its hard to know what direction to go to be free out in society! WHere do I go when everything looks like the same street corner...
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Ill have to make changes within my mind...
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I was working with a synth; I dont know what to do with it. Its a famous synth; a nice synth; one of those synths Im suppose to keep around; but what do I do with it; Ill have to work with the universe and read up on what Im suppose to do with it. Im like stuck because Im hitting that anxiety wall and Im stopped; Im used to being stopped and controlled specifially by abusers... and I dont know what to do...
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