July 2025
June 2025
Im not sure where to start; so I will just start...
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My mothers abandonment of me and horrible treatment and rejection when interacting with me left me hardened destroyed confused and antisocial against society. I could not function...
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I worked through my first love completely! Or enough to call complete; call it the universe stepping in and completely taking over; I feel so good; so much relief; so much better; its incredible. And it all ends within me peacefully. No grudges or resentments; Nothing! Its like it was a giant mirage and misunderstanding... God took the reigns and solved everything.
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I have an anxiety disorder and there's nothing that could have been accomplished; I was within walls within walls... I could never reach out to anyone including a first love a last love a far away love or a love on mars; none would ever know. The truth is; I was just a stranger around them; I never told them anything; I was silent; they never really knew me or how I felt. During the opportune times to present my feelings to them in words or physical affection; I clammed up; nothing happened and they basically wrote me off; THey never really knew me; They really knew nothing about me. The immediately stopped taking me seriously as a suitor as a boyfriend or anything else. I was written off as to immature or was then overlooked; No one knew what was really going on inside me or who I was. I was horrible destroyed and offended at this indifference; My God; this was no different then what the Turks did to the Armenians in WW1; The turks genocided them. It seemed the same; it was completely immoral and callas with no remorse; nothing.
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What I failed to understand were a few things. I would never be able to respond to anyone anyway; it didnt matter; I lost nothing because I would never be able to respond to anything. Finally they would move on; laugh at me and symbolically spit in my face suggesting I was a demeaning role for them to associate with...
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In the end; non of it matters after working through stuff by way of the universe.
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Its nut just romantic; its everything; I could not contact in reality; it was like being completely cut off from the world into my own box; dissociated from reality. No one ever was allowed to get close enough; thus; for most of my younger life; their would be no contact with anything; just wishful thinking.. No one else was to blame.. So knowing this now; it was easy for me to trust and work with the universe and move on; I knew the universe loved me and God loves me... So; Im in great hands; so that's not the problem. Strangers I never really connected with; Its certainly not their problem; even if I crushed on them a bit in my imagination. Sure I would have liked to have had an active participating life; But could never happen... I mean; I could not... Anymore then the the majority of the passengers on the Titanic could suddenly change the course of History; get the boat turned around and come back to shore... Sure; wishful thinking may have thought of ways after the fact that maybe things could have been different; but in reality; nothing could have been different; No one was in control of it; just as I was never in control of my life; I was shut out from life by a severe mental condition that has little or nothing to do with anyone... In a great way; I missed nothing... I was never really present to create anything in the first place; and I never participated and the offers for relationships; for the potential; I froze up long before even a comment of friendship could be establish; thus it wasn't; I was never really anymore the strangers with most people who within frustrations of dealing with me; finally wrote me off as a fool and moved on.
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MOTHER AND FATHER;
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I think Ill try to make this an introductory blog instead of some 400 page book. Ill be writing plenty on this subject I guess; So with that...
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THe primary problem was neglect and betrayal; being abandon... thrown away.. purposely never allowed to develop. In a real sense my mother was trying to destroy us from the day we were born. My father kept her at bay; However, as soon as he left; she took over and destroyed everything with no remorse. My life was completely crippled and destroyed.
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Basically; she was dumping the kids; dumping the house and moving on; moving to the coast cities and find another husband to hide within their family; She was a psychopath and needed a family host system. The family system she had with my father went ends up; meaning it collapsed. It never developed into an opportunity...
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I was thrown away...
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So the question is; How do I get over her; my mother? I never got anything from her in the first place. Maybe Ill make a list of general ideas of what she did to start things off.
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1. Psychopathy; The way she would yell or sadistically blame me when young; getting me trapped where I could not run... Or trapped in the car.. it was evil sadistic; I was only 3 1/2 The first time I remember it; but I was already a veteran of dealing with her.
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She was anti social and said anti social backward things morally; she had no morals; nothing. Scary; like no laws to live by; On the outside she worked... She was a college person; degrees and such...I guess; they made sure never to tell us anything about them; anything.
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I remember being rejected by her at age 5; Its very sad; I didn't understand at the time. I went to a garage sale and bought her some china at the next door neighbors house. I brought it back to her to give to her as a present because I was nice little kid and I loved my mother; She did not receive them; she turned them down. In almost a stuck up cold fashion with a deeper attitude of contempt with a smile; pure evil. As a 5 year old I was confused and broken hearted... but I managed but I did not understand the rejection; why wasn't she helping me succeed and survive... And many situations like this will occur...
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She tried to take my brothers and I to a vacation spot when young; and the car overheated... on the way and other things happened; Thats because she really didnt care... she was doing it to look responsable but had no real interest in us... or wanting to be present to take care of kids; Nothing. SHe was trying to paly the role; but that wont last long... it was heartless and no one cared about us or our future; My brothers and I.
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She tried to burn me in the bathtub... She would try things if she could get away with it when my father wasnt around... or home.
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My schooling was lost; no one cared how I was doing from the start; nothing. ANd they never would show up; And I was confused in grade school. I spent allot of time hiding in TV shows and movies and not realizing I was dissociated from reality most of the time because I had no connection to anyone.
Later I will try to make friends outside the house hold; but those friends will turn out with contempt for me ever showing up at their houses... They thought I was beneath them and a nuisance. No one in their families cared to meet me or cared who I was. In the end I had no parents... and thats what was causing the latchkey kid crisis...
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My whole life is about being thrown away and rejected; dejected... I could not ever talk to these people about anything ever; they were not safe. It finally seemed the only safe thing was the house i loved and lived in... the actual ground seemed safe... but my mother will strip this from me in the 5th grade as fast as possible...
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She immediately brought in bad element people cared nothing I was in the house and the effect would have on me; She brought this scum into our house out of nowhere; suddenly nothing was safe and I had no safe spaces; I went into pTSD for the next year and never came out of it. I was 9 years old.
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She would try to make all my business public to destroy me if she could; humilite me or make me out to be a bad person who should be shunned and destroyed by the community; I was only a small child... If and when my father was not around anymore; I was completely destroyed; I did not know what was going on; I was getting the full attack of a psychopath against several areas of my life. The psychopath does not care about age; they will destroy a 50 year old or a 5 year old. It doesn't matter to them...
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So; I have all the fear and terror and hatred and horrible fear of dealing with someone who was trying to destory or kill me; erase or dissolve my life from the day I was born if she can get away with it. My father turns out to be similar to her... And he does the same thing at a later date... Im completely turned on...
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So much stress and pressure... No family; no more mother and father; and they were killing us not helping me; it was all so confusing; it was happening so much all the time that I did not know what was going on but I felt the damage; I was becoming more n more damaged and did not understand...
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Finally more of being thrown away; and finally I have to live with other relatives; Im not wanted by those people. All dreams lost and I have to go live with vicious pedifiles where I will be destroyed for the next few years; By that time I just want to kill everything...
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So; My father turns out no better... I did not know anything about these people. I knew my mother was someone I should never trust from the day I was born; and to stay away from unless my father was around; So I knew that much; but I had no idea of the real murderers I was dealing with.
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Being thrown away from everything; is allot of loss for anyone but for a 9 year old?
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So; there is alot to process concerning a mother and father in order to GET OVER THEM? And move on? become solid again and move on and function away from the dissociative disorder...
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my primary interest in inventorying my mother and father is the affect their behavior had my ability to gain relationships and stick with them and work with others trusting other. SO its about getting into new relationships.
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