July 2025
June 2025
So; working with God; creating pathways on paper hopefully inline with my higher power and inner being and the universe source energy Jesus...
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Ive noticed something; When creating pathway to new women or girlfriend; New girlfriend in my imagination. I have horrible fear; its ego fear I dont want anyone else to know about; Pride.
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I noticed how hard it would be to slowly( within my imagination) create the path up to the women of interest; Give her candy and flowers and a card or a letter; luv letter. Its the process; not the end result. Im really curious why I think someone owes me something. It certainly isn't the womens fault. But Im feeling the rage. And that would be my mother! And I have to admit the rage and get it out. Just talking about it is a start. OKE; Fair enough; this sucks; its not the perfect situation to be in. But I get it; Ive got to work with the universe to get the rage out. It gets triggered the closer I get to someone... ( simply writing about things here helps allot). It may be; I had no one ever to talk to...
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When it comes to women and creating a pathway in my imagination; I have to walk up to a women; and give her flowers and candy and a card... By doing this; Im humbling myself. I have to see this and feel it. I have to want to dress up and look good and get into shape... Its not just for her; I mean; its a kind self respect thing for myself; kind of. I guess.. I think! Ill pray about it. God has to take control of this and I stay out of it. One problem; Ive never been around the nice people I need to be around to have relationships.. I was never around my tribe of people to date..
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The other area; as I was praying I was asking God about this; the other area is where? What am I looking for.
Whether I like it or not; Ill work with God on what Im looking for... and let it kind of hone in.
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I go to allot of 12 step groups for years and years. Allot of men wondered by I never dated anyone; They started looking at me strange. But what they were asking was; How come I wasn't dating anyone from those groups who liked me. THe answer was simple; ALlot of people in those meetings had no morals or values or conscious. I was dealing with a lot of narcissist sociopaths and some psychopaths... These are not the kinds of people for me to date..
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My main problem was mental health issues; Addiction problems were secondary; Just as important; for allot of Addicts in the rooms; its the opposite. However; Both are lethal problems. I would much rather have a town with massive CPTSD based rooms to vent..... and I could also talk about addiction problems... Altho; once I understood the dangers of using; I quit... I got the message... I think all I needed was the education... Im a person at some point that cant stop; I found this out with drinking. I found out before with drugs that I would escalate the use of drugs; it got to the point of bad trips and overdoses. And I dont need that...
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So; where do I go. My mind is closed; and that is what the universe is for; to open me up; open this whole thing up! And Ill be praying and meditation and keeping an open mind. Also; Ill need support...
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Who will I date; what will I have to change about myself;
Here's the deal; if the universe says; Ill be dating female college professors then so be it! Ill have to dress and prepare for that level of culture... I dont know if that is where the universe will send me but it will be a journey... Ill have to come up to speed for it; So lots of gaps in the expectations Ill have to work out. And thats what im working out right now... .Im now starting on it.
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NOTE: In my imagination; I can see the use of trails and pathways and ladders and foot steps to build the trail system to the safe places the universe is sending me that those things Im attracting will show up. It first shows up in my imagination... and I have to believe.
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Criticizing; Im afraid of being treated like the people in charge of me from the past; a whole world of being destroyed; I dont want anyone like that around me.
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So; Ill work with God on all this; I can see that; if I can work on it and get back on my feet again and experiencing somethings; I can take it from there... That will be a work in progress... I mean; thats heading in my direction I think; Ive got allot of work to do to become present. but I can see it.
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AVPD: Avoidance... this is a problem.
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MUSIC;
I see that when Im creating anything in the computer; Im mad that I have to go back in and really edit things to make them work. I have to go back in and rearrange notes in the music sequencer; a sequencer for music is like a word processor for a writer.. So; I go into a contemp rage over it; Its my mother and father.....
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I can feel the fear. The real fear of being a coward. Ive never really faced anything like this before. Im used to being in my room in my own head in my own world... And so for the first time i will be coming out of my world into this reality world. Ill make a lot of mistakes. Im actually scared of that.
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Girlfriend; The universe will have to create the pathways to the right areas of the right kinds of people to meet..... Ill have to practice in my imagination. Ill have to write stories about actually meeting the right people; those moves and concepts. Im a bit afraid of meeting the wrong people again.
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Music; I have to learn to; start editing and like it because most of my work will end up being a deep edit job; most of it; rearranging and stuff. So; Ill get used to that; something about working at something exposed; Im afraid I could be attacked; that's how it feels or ciritzised.
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I can tell Im getting better; I just need more time.
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New stories; writing about relationships as if they've already arrived; is working. its working to open me up and let the walls down. Ill keep writing more stories.
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The goal with the past; keep bashing those bad useless memories out of my head when ever they show up; memories of bad people who fooled me who no longer need to rent space in my head for any reason; get rid of all of it.
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My goal is to make it out of the 12 step groups and back to life.
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My brain needs to wake up more from dissociative disorder.
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ART
Ill pray about getting excited about Art again. Im looking for good really deep thoughts concerning working in and with Art..
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Im burning out from recovery right now; Im brutally exhausted.
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Ill need real support; so; Ill ask God for specialized support when I step out into the real world again.
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