July 2025
June 2025
Im grieving some hard suff... Some of it is really really apparent and hard; like hard poison running through my body; through my mind; some is worse; some is a combustion of time, circumstance and torture...
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Im Grieving;
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I suppose Ill be doing allot of this in an authentic manner.... For the plight of what Im facing is not flight from a ghost... its a ghost ship upset that Im leaving.. It cant hold me... the 1800th century furniture in the hallways have all been placed against the walls for my pathway of curiosity to flow... and flow down that energy river... Im flowing down the row... the symbols in my head keep flooding the doorways... ALl the ghosts; all they can do is watch in stunned approach; as their thoughts have never been realized. And non of it is my ambition. My curiously is heading forth...
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Im Grieving;
Its a hard stoic lie; someone is raping my tie downs...
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A place of grieving has been insected by intruders... infiltrated... eyes are following me from inside the lighted rooms... Im so used to them.... \.\Im leaving!
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Im Grieving...
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They kicked me out; and its a hard effect they are seeking; its a spinning army of strengths... Its sorrowful that Im so used to this... to handle them; to be near them; walking inner dependent within the rapist particles... Non of those particles are my friends; they all have contempt.
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Im leaving. Im leaving the ghost blanket... As I wake up at my desk and write; Im going through a biting lonely betrayal. I can handle it; still; its illegal to put a human being through this.
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Its hard... am I locked away... I can leave; I dont know how to move; I dont remember...
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Skills...
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My Grieving;
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I just want this to be over.
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I remember once waking up with all my neck muscles pulled; all of them; the muscles and tendons that hook my neck to my head... I cannot describe pain at this level. Ive been in pain before and fear... To end this story; 24 house of this; After they administered the shots of demerol I simply passed out in the nurse's arms.. I woke up with the Dr looking down on me with a very curious concerned look on his face trying to understand what was going on inside me. He looked very concerning...
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A new story;
Once very sick from food poisoning; real food poisoning; blood infection; I stopped breathing while I was on my last moments; I was standing up alone... and my chest refused to rise... and it never did again. A silent killer; My whole respiratory system simply went quiet. It will not come back until they take that long long thick foot long rocket needle; and the surgeon shoves it into my body like a knife going through a 3rd world country! My O my that was no fun; I watch the orange glowing bug juice from the large canister enter my body; and suddenly a cool feeling came over all my veins of regretful remorse; and I began to cool down and my body relaxed. They stabilized me; took me to the basement of the hospital in a gurney. I was hooked up so many different hoses of different colors.. pouches full of this sugar water and that blood detergent and foams of medicine that would never let me sleep; but then the nurses would never let me sleep; Nor the orderlies with all those medications every 4 hours and shots. I guess I wasnt suppose to sleep or id sleep for ever.
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In the basement the Doctor had a grim look on his face. He told me he and his team had to explore my inner being; my body and they could not give me any medicine or knock me out; No pain killers; nothing; He said it would be very uncomfortable; He would try not to hurt me. I had to be awake. He said as I was naked strapped over a gurney standing; that he would try not to hit the inner walls of my upper organs... that camera and light were not my friend that day... That was pain... very acute pain. Fearful pain. I was so tired; but no one would let me sleep. I just wanted to sleep...
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My Organs were shutting down; thats why my chest would not rise anymore; poison is bad; Its very strange; its a silent killer... no pain no sound; suddenly no more air; no way to breath. Nothing; death would come on quickly... I suddenly hit my knees with my mouth open trying to grasp any air from the inner lining of my lungs.. my harms stretched out on both sides of me as if I was pleading for anyone to help me and save me. PTSD slammed me as my mind immediately shut down all feeling from the panic; because I was dying; and actually It was already finished; Someone found me. I remember...
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I remember being thrown on the bed in the emergency room and that big shot the size of a football field...
They would never let me sleep for days.. They just kept giving me meds and shots and more bags filled with sugar water and medicine...
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I couldn't walk...
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After numerous days; The Doctor walked in and told me I had a blood infection and after a few more days I could go home... He said I had many little bugs of insidious human hatred flying around my blood stream... and they had found a home in my brain and body and were not going to leave without a war... But they did... Its not a fun experience... Its sad when you will die ( I really mean this; Is a kind of sadness; its like being cheated). Its worse when Im still awake while its happening; That created PTSD that I would relive again and again a few times; Something about the neck and air ways... its a sensitive area that the mind and body does not forget... its creates horrible PTSD...
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it was interesting after biting off the top of the coke bottle I found in her food cellar. It was old bottle of pop; maybe 1940's. It was very old. I bit it off; and put it to my mouth. The poison began to seep down my throat... Suddenly my stomach hurt almost immediately; it then began to move outward from the center of my stomach and take over my body and my mind. It felt like 10 times worse then a stomach flew.
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After 6 hours I had passed allot of blood from holes in my body usually used for intaking food and processing out food... I had lost about 10 15 pounds of water weight... finally I just stopped breathing; my raspatory system gave out and the end was near... I tried to hang on but I could not find any air; and I slowly watched myself die... its very scary a acute because with no air ability; its all over within several minutes... life is over! My chest would not rise. Something told it to go to sleep.
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I was almost cheated out of my life; And that makes me mad! I never wanted to be a teenage statistic...
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Im Grieving...
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This is a hard grieving right now...
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In the present; my psychiatric condition;
Its important; Im getting better; but it will cost me; this is not free right now; it reminds me of just how seriously my mind and nervous system were torchered from years of abuse and how I got into this horrible nightmare in the first place. But my nervous system is fighting with all its heart for me to come back to life and in a sense; much like the infectious nature of Staff poisoning that had been hiding in the food I ate when young that got me to the hospital morgue ; Another kind of poison has been hiding in my nervous system; a poison of learned pain fear from torture...
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This may be the first of its kind; the beginning of the end of aspects of my mental condition; For its trying to awaken; my life... and this is the real process of it.
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LOVE:
The other day; God made it clear; I cannot love someone from the past and expect God to bring someone new... I cant love someone from the past; They must be gone; And when Im fully present; only then can I love someone new. God will bring someone new when Ive let go of the old. And that is what Im grieving; Im grieving it because Ive already been through it; its an after affect of the reality I already understand... Im now in the hospital of insurgence; mental insurgence. I am allowing the surgeons to remove the pain... Im just waiting.. allowing the pain to seep through me; feel it; grieve from it and watch it leave.
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So; Im working with the universe to move on from the past and the universe has created the insighted pathways for such things; for everything; I get all my insights from the universe when I cant think. And the universe enters the center of my mind and puts in insights that can only come from the universe; THe universe is my best friend. And I communicate and give and take with the universe and interact with the universe all day long. The universe is the creator as I am a creator; and I am a computer and the universe installs new programs in me; back n forth refining things all day long; give n take as I call out for more maintenance from the universe.
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I am Grieving...
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Its the beginning of a new form of grieving; its a necessary grieving for me to come forth; it means Im getting better; but I dont know what that means; what that will mean. Im still torn apart inside. So; it may be the beginning of yet more beginnings... Im not home yet?
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Ill have to just hang on... Im getting better.
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Ill keep working with the universe to keep processing out the past more n more until I take back my body my life my identity... And I own it again. I was fooled when young by trixers... Not anymore!
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THE PRESENT: THE FUTURE:
MY GOD;
Its very strange to know I will be waking up and doing things again; doing life again; that's what it means... That means real grief... its gone...
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Nothing is free; neither is the surgery!
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Neither is waking up.
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But that is whats happening...
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I havent really said anything; Im Grieving...
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This is the next process of my development
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