July 2025
June 2025
I have 2 goals;
1. Accept that past relationships were the wrong relationships; Work with a higher power to cross over these old relationships and find myself in new lanes for new relationships; working with the universe to create and attract the RIGHT relationships down energy river...
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2. Music; To create music; and perform it live!
NOTE; Relationships; I was putting energy mindlessly into relationships with people who never liked me. THey were doomed from the start; truly their were mis understandings and misguided information; I made mistakes; I courted people that never invited me or said they liked me... At some point they left with allot of contempt because they felt coherst; and it left me in allot of confusion. Today; its better to work with a higher power and attract the basic elements; people that value and like me and want to be in a relationship with me on their own merit.. I dont have to have anything; Im liked as I am; for who I am on the inside; such experiences might occur through working and aligning through a higher power.
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NOTE: Heres the hard part; pulling back from the old mis guided relationships; pulling my feelings back; discarding my knowledge of that person; forgetting about that person; moving on; it was an innocent mistake.
And then creating pathways across that person to new pathways; and in those new pathways; working with a higher power; aligning with the universe and having support; and working down my pathway and naturally allowing the universe to bring the right people; This time; people who actually value human things and appreciate human things; Under the umbrella of my higher power. Your will God not mine!!!!
Ill keep working on my recovery; Im not sure how much further Im going with PHase 8. The goal was to get over my First Love; 75% there; Learning more n more everyday; I have to be excited and accepting that Ive willfully gone after the wrong people. No one made me. I did it! I went after people that didnt like me and I payed for it. Fair enough; Im learning; I got my azzzz kicked. THeir are consequences. So; Im really into crossing over old relationships situation into new pathways for my highpower to be the head of; and thus as I go toward my higher power; my higher power naturally brings me the right people places and things under my higher powers care. Its not easy; I have to want to let go of my narcissistic ego and walk or step over all of this trouble; I CAUSED FOR MYSELF: and move back into alignment under my higher powers care and wait upon GOd... Start doing the work of learning how to go down Gods direction; my higher powers pathways... THey all lead toward my higher power; and see who shows up. I can write about what I want and who I want with the idea its on my higher powers pathways; and if I have a problem with it; Ill talk to God about it and work with my higher power. You're will God not mine; Your will God not mine your will God not mine.
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The nature of my disability is that I could not work anymore or be in relationships anymore; and that is the truth. And Im trying to do the work to come out of it a bit; It doesnt have to be perfect; just enough to come back to life a bit; have some relationship and do some activities I like; Like creating music and performing; Have a girlfriend. Those are the goals. Im getting closer; Sexual abuse has to be faced somehow.
Im not sure I want EMDR or some year long therapy over it right now. I dont know! Ill pray about it.
So; FIRST LOVE: What was her purpose? It seems; that I could escape where I was living into a new place; And it never worked; She did not turn out to be who she said she was; later; everything turned upside down; I Was not dealing with someone on my side; I was dealing with another sociopath; so I had gotten nowhere. No one invited me. No one wanted me there. No one ask for me to be there; they were just fine without ever meeting me. My higher power would have taken me down his pathway and I would have met someone that did like me... So; thats where my focus is going to be trained to focus on. Thats the big move.
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NOTE:" Focusing on the pathway my higher power has for me; that is the next big move; learning how to keep focused on nothing but that pathway and accepting what comes along and working with the universe to bring about new things down Gods pathway; no other...
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FIRST LOVE:
Did My higher power send me their NOT! Was I under my higher powers umbrella; NO! I was not going toward my higher power; I was not down my higher powers pathway; thus; Why would I think my higher power brought me someone; My higher power did not bring me someone. I did not have permission to go down someone else's pathway; Next time; stay in my own lane. And work with my higher power and only focus on that lane; nothing else. Thats what I have to learn. ITs hard; it is; it rips into my narcissism...
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IT seems for all of my life I was looking for someplace safe to go.
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In order of who or what I thought was safe;
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1. My father; I kept me safe from my mother; so he was the safe place to go or be with
2. My best friend when a child; I was escaping the family system I came from and going to his house all the time thinking I had escaped.
3. First loves house; thought I could escape into her life and or house; thought she wanted the same to escape and find someone like herself that wanted to escape into a new life... I was wrong! Dead wrong; completely off the mark...
4. neighborhood/ other friends houses and people in the neighborhood in general
5. school system... But that never happened from the beginning.
6. drugs/alcohol; This did not work; My God... You got to be kidding!
7. The recovery process; Yes; to an extent; but the goal of recovery is to bring me back to reality to a place of responsibility with support and God... It gives me the tools to ask more questions and get more learning and knowledge on how to develop my goals... and my life in a responsable way!
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So; in all cases I never escaped... I never found a way to escape... I never found a way out! That is the problem. I tried but could never escape... and I was brought back to places and abused again or more importantly; the escape routs ended up not places that wanted me. I never had really escaped; no one really ever wanted me or wanted me around; non of them; worse case scenarios took place on all fronts. I wasn't wanted anywhere...
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Now I know better...
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Im still looking for those escapes..
So Ill talk to God about this... all of it! And let God help me to escape...
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Im now looking for escapes to mental illness.
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In all these cases nothing happened for me; I never escaped; so ill turn to God and work with that as a goal.
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So this Blog is about turning to God to figure out how I would have escaped sexual abuse and the sexual abuser... dealing with it face it... That is the next step; for as much as I can handle...
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I tried several times to create new relationships; it never worked. I failed; or was defeated. I had no support in the school systems. So that never started.... No one cared. Now one cared who I am or what happened to me.
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Im still looking for that escape....
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Now; Im looking to escape from all the trauma from the escapes that went wrong.
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Ill work with God on it. Start writing stories about escaping...
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Im trying to clear my head of all that went wrong in past attempts to create relationships; In most cases; those I tried to create relationships were narcissists. I didn't know that. I didn't know they were sociopaths or antisocial personality disorders. So; there would be no escape for me.
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I may have been attracted to those people for relationships because they appeared introverted and sensitive and broken and traumatized. But in reality; I was the only broken traumatized person with human sense looking for change... These were monsters I fell into... But Im not the victim; No one brought these people to me; I freely went to them; they owe me nothing.
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If I want someone to answer to me; I go to GOd...
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As I work on all this stuff; one area is; I had no support so when a relationship was defeated; I crumbled; it was all I had; I put all my eggs into one basket and was completely defeated.
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I have God today and success based thinking processes and the universe and support meetings for my goals and I know how to set goals and go after them with Gods help and the universe; Im always learning more on how to write those stories for my future and keep at it until I believe them. I have purpose because I will align with a higher power; I have meditation that helps me align with a higher power and my inner being and this leads me to my direction; following my inner being! And that is the work i do... So; Ive got a good set of tools to work with if I want to put forth the work. Not easy; but at least Ive got them.
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NOTE; The idea of purely going down my higher powers pathway and learning to deal with it and work with it and trust and wait and work on feeling and believing. Lots of real work here. not sure Ive ever done this the way Im suggesting.
So; as for work concerning sexual abuse; I dont know yet... I have an idea of where this is leading me. if I can get the help to overcome it and face some things; face the abusers of the past; the memories and such and feel safe again in safe spaces; we will see. I dont know yet... Maybe I can move on from it.
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The goal is new relationships and playing Ive created live...
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