July 2025
June 2025
I told a group of people about my mother; not being able to express myself around her and that we never had a conversation; not even once.
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Ill try talking on this subject; about my mother( Im coming back the next day write and Im not sure why I wrote these phrases and what I meant); Ill try to figure something out.
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MOTHER;
Good things are happening here concerning a uncovering of my relationship with my mother!
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I had no conversations with my mother...
Here is an example of a normal small conversation between a mother and child; " How is your day; how is your school work; What class do you like the most; How is your homework"! This never happened for me; no conversations ever about anything; Not ever; Not once; never! Not up into the day she died; nothing ever.
My Father; looking back; he was not far behind her on this. I think I told me about the war when I asked; and he told me about music of his period when he was a boy; very little other then that; and that was it; Nothing else ever... He got my brothers and I involved in some things when young. but seriously; I appreciated belonging to the gun club and shooting 22's. I liked the snowmobiling when I was a kid... and the skying. But it was really for him not use. I didn't know this until later; he was just using kids.. thats all he did... THe more he could tell his wife he needed ski equipment for the kids; the more he could buy ski equipment for himself. And that's all it was about...
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One very sad moment for me when older; when I realized when my father tried to show me how to change gears on the riding lawn mower; He did this right by the kitchen window where my mother was cooking; He did this to show that he had bought the lawn mower for us kids to show us how to drive; to shift with a stick shift; In reality; I didn't care if we learned anything; He used this as an excuse to by the lawn mower! In other circles this would be funny! I mean; the way me or women try to scam their partners to get that new computer or what ever. But in this case; there was nothing funny about this; THis person was a fraud... His whole life was a scam.. He had no concious. Nothing; Anti social. I may seriously have been ASpd... He was a sociopath...
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I dont remember them ever really having conversations with me directly. And my mother; not once; never. Never asked me how I am or took any concern about my development; nothing or how I felt; ever; nothing.. Not once!
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I had to watch TV shows to learn about the outside life and about parents and about brothers and about best friends. Even tho I had parents; I learned about them from the sitcoms on TV. I thought I had normal parents because of what I saw on TV. When I was little; I did not understand I had never really interacted with my parents; I had interacted with the TV... I did not know the difference. When I talked about my loving parents who I thought loved me; I assumed they acted like the parents on TV. The reality was; I didnt know; I simply watched the Tv shows in the morning and at night and assumed that's what they were like. And this would suggest I never really saw them or interacted with them. In fact; looking back; they were almost scarce; I mean; no one was there... they must of done the most minimal of interactions with me. I over sensitively took schoolmates as important because I had no real emotional home... It was all a place for me to hang out and do things. I had brothers but no real interaction with them. I had a middle brother and I interacted with him but he was already far gone; He never talked about his emotions. My older brother was distant and he was like a stranger I got to hang out with sometimes.
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Later I was desperate to be wanted and desired somewhere; anywhere! And this will find me going off to middle class houses down the streets to make friends. In the end; no one care about me; really wanted me in their homes; ANd the kids I be friended hated me and resented me for coming over all the time( They resented I come over ever; or ever met them). I thought I had made friends; I had made nothing! I will find out the hard way in the end... I was around my enemies not my friends.
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MOTHER:
I could not express myself to my mother at all; and thus a wall was created of defence and being alone. So; most of my life was about going to someone else's house for help to learn how to express myself. Unfortunately no one else cared. ANd I was discarded from their homes or ignored while I was there... at least on this subject. I thought these other people cared; they did not! I was mistaken.
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AT THE MEETING TODAY:
I told people for the first time; My mother and I never had a conversation; never ever! ANd how this blocked me off from communicating.
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When I met my Frist love; THe whole point was that she was going to help me and be my mother;
and she would take on the roll of helper; she would be there for me as I slowly learned how to open up to her! She would be my surrogate therapist. Unfortunately I had picked the wrong house hold; and this was not not a good bet for anything; any reason.
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However; I never told her about my mother and that I had a problem; and thus she could not help me... IF I had been able to tell her; I would have started dating her... And in the end I would have been destroyed dismantled and dumped... So; Nothing in that house hold up the street was going to work out. I had picked the wrong people to play with.
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If I had been able to work through the problems with my mother when young; I would have never gone up the street to meet new house holds to hang out with to become developed. I would not have needed to look for development on my own.
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TELLING A GROUP OF PEOPLE MY MOTHER AND I NEVER HAD A CONVERSATION; By telling a group; I finish one more accomplishment of importance from the past.
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If I can tell a women I never had a conversation with my mother and I'm working on changing this problem. I just opened up the primary problem I had with women when young. I mean; I can start with that problem with other women; if they can accept that about me; I'm all in! Ill work with them.
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Discarding my first love... My God! This Sucks; This is heaven... This for another blog coming up.
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I can see that if I had had the ability to tell a young women when young that I had problems with my mother; Just from that; Being open with her about that subject; a whole conversation and relationship would have started; but without that component; I would never be able to open up to anyone. And unless I had been seeing a therapist and learned to trust the therapist; I still would have never opened up to anyone on the outside.
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So; I would have had to have worked through years of stuff first before I would ever really be ready to talk about my mother; Im not sure how long it would take; maybe to now! I dont know. A huge solid wall kept me from the rest of the world; If I had been in therapy really young; maybe changes could have happened; but I was discarded the day I was born. I would need to migrate to a whole new family and develop upward and then deal with my personal stuff and then maybe after years I would finally deal with my mother stuff; but I doubt it; because my mother is at the end of the therapeutic food chain for me. .
In therapy I talked about my mother as the psychopath victimizer; third person point of view; distant monster destroying people. But never did I talk about anything personal up close... Not until now; because i would have never felt safe enough.
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So; Now; Im telling people about my mother and what It was like to interact with her and how it felt at a personal level... now things are opening up more for me; Im much closer to connective with the outside world... I mean; Im almost right at that frequency...
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