July 2025
June 2025
First Love;
Ill keep battling it in my head and nervous system and imagination and my soul and spirit... ITs a thing thats been occupying me for a long long time.
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Its been occupying me because I wanted it to... it was my way of staying away from society. I created a society within myself, within my head and I lived there. I didnt need the outside world for anything...
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However; 2 problems...
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The occupied city/world within my head with its fantasy personalities of always good and angelic; that would comfort me because I manipulated my memory system by changing regular recorded memory thoughts into someone different; something attracted to me that wanted to save me; I created false memories for this purpose; This was not working anymore...
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I would pictures or general memories of people I thought about that I had met in the real world; people I wanted relationships with but it never happened. I would create false memories; I have created the outcome of the memories; memories always wanting me and taking care of me...
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THe universe would wake up; I would research some of those people I wanted relationships with; suddenly Id realize they weren't nice people; and they were never nice to me. Suddenly those memories of good people were now memories of bad people.. My new information indicated I was wrong; these were not people to fantasize about. THese were not my friends and not people to have ever associated with. And certainly not people to create manipulated memories over.
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I would create fantasies of women that adored me; women I know. I would imagine they need me and call to me and I get intimate with them; they are broken hearted and they relate with me... and thus they love me or want love from me. Certainly they are comrades and safe; THey are memory girls. It was like creating a harom of memory women. I would take many women I knew in real life and create new memories about them; and they would become memory cerigates for love.
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NOTE: When going outside on my bike; I lose all identity position in my life; Like Im a nobody... Ill start praying about this. All the stuff Im working on; all the empowerment; it loses 50% of its value; I lose about 70% of my value and I go back to feeling like a bum and derelict. WHen Im at 12 step meetings; determining what they are; my value comes back. When Im at home; it goes way higher and the real me can come out more in protected realms..
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NOTE: Learning how to trust again; how to be loyal to someone just to find out that person doesnt really ever want me... I mean; its all so sickening. Ill have to pray about this one.
When Im in general society; I feel like Im about 30% of my worth and that's all if not much less; 15% of my worth. So; Ill be taking this to God and working on it!
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Ill pray about this and what to do about this.
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12 step groups are great for one thing. The stuff Im writing about from my past; I can work on and dump at 12 step meetings and then go home. I can; in my own way meditate and pray on alignment with my higher power and spit out what my higher power wants to say through me while Im there. Once this is completed; I go home. Its relief for the deeper parts of me.
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FIRST LOVE: All this stuff Im working on to become free from my first love; When outside suddenly its like Im not so free of it... Its like I start clinging to it more; like I actually need that fantasy when Im outside; I need something; Im used to turning to her in my fantasy; Im used to turning for protection by those false memories I created of her; those memories that tell me Im al right; or Im a good guy and I get lifted up intimitally.
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NOTE: This girl I thought could be trusted; I was completely wrong; facts show she could never be trusted and never be trusted from the start; The fast she could never trusted from the start and thet fact I fell for it; worries me. This time; I must work with a higher power and let a higher power bring slowly the right kind of person to me... under Gods care... and keep working with GOd on these things.
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NOTE: I never got anything as a kid; but thrown away with no parents anymore; I wanted to be wanted wanted to be seen; I wanted more then anything else to find a maiden I could love and join and love me and move on to her to the next level of my life; I wanted to be wanted more then anything; to be with someone that actually is connected to me. Unfortunately for this horrific level of wanting to be wanted; when it happened; I went crazy; I was like I have a perfect match; its all heaven; ANd I did not see or care about any red flags; I was 2 busy building my future in my mind; But reality was doing something different under the scenes... IT was being devilized... I fell in with a narcissist and had no idea who or what I was dealing with. I never saw it; and never wanted to see it...
ANd then everything collapsed... After numerous months... So; Ill work with God on this...
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NOTE: I never noticed someone wanted to take something from me; I never saw that in the person; right from the beginning. I never saw it; they were trying to win me over in a relationship; Why? I have a few ideas; but they were trying to draw me in; It never occured to me they wanted something from me and not me! But in the end; thats all it was! And so; the next level is moving out and moving on; and the work that goes into that so i can get to normal. This person was trying to control manipulate and over power or dominate... I never saw it; I thought the person was into me and I had a friend... I was wrong...
They were filling that emptiness of where I wanted to be desired more than anything.. I wanted to be wanted... They seemed to desire me; and for that I felt I had an authentic friend... I didnt know I was being fooled from the beginning.
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I have no money; she will have to have money; That is a strange thing for me to ask for but I will or Ill ask for money to appear for me. Ill talk to God about this financial stuff!
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The problem is; thats not what I want anymore. I want her gone; And I want something taking her place; I want me taking her place.
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So; I will pray about that.
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I had the fantasy of remembering my childhood; but I never re-created anything for my adulthood; that was to much for me.
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Bulling is and was a problem that kept me from ever being able to open up and trust or move forward. Ill have to pray about what all the bullying did to me...
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Disillusionment is a suck thing...
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I dont need to be in illusions
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So; now; Ill pray about it. How can I feel safe outside; What can God do for me to bring me a life outside; a real one; instead of having to create a fantasy one within my head to have a purpose to live..
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Ill work with God on this...
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I think maybe with the first best friend I had and the first love I had; that was my attempt at creating a better life for myself; and it fell through; but looking at it; of course it fell through; I forget to bring God. God has to be the center and make things happen and I have to learn to be reliable upon God for every decision... So it can be built on God and safety...
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Building on God and safety in the outside world is a new concept for me; Im not sure Ive ever brought this up before.
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In my imagination Im seeing a building being built; Im seeing a wife and kids? Im seeing a life outside in the real world...
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This is the first of its kind for me for the outside world; specifically the way Im seeing it in my head right now.
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I dont know; Ill work with God on it. It would be interesting to start manifesting a real life outside the way I would like to live it with the kinds of people; only attracting the kinds of people I want in it.
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12 step groups;
The 12 step groups have kept me alive; There is allot of narcissists in these groups; some sociopaths; many of them; a few authentic predatorial psychopaths... they get off stalking people...
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So; its not an ideal people to bring people home. Its a good place to go to hang on and get coffee and talk... Ive used these places for longer term therapy; Do this at your own risk; Im a gambler and some times I lose. And some times Ive lose big and bad things can happen. Almost everyday Im dealing with some stab from the psychological knife of a narcissist at some of these meeting; all the time one has to prepare themselves; ask God to keep me safe. This is all good for working out stuff like resents with FIRST LOVE.
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Im covert in my own ways in those meetings... I dont tell people everything. I just used the place and dumb my stuff. And I go home...
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The problem now. I would like a new home. I would like a life outside in the real world. I will work with God to do the work to graduate to such a thing...
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FIRST LOVE:
Let me make something perfectly clear; A gap resides between her and I finding new love. At that moment I have to switch elegances to that new person; my feelings; my focus and my fierce allegiance. Ill have to keep getting rid of my first love.
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When I start dating again; the right people; Im going to feel and think im with my first love; even tho it was fake and Im going to get this sick weird feeling like Im going out on her and that I should be with my first love protecting her and looking after her the way I was suppose to in the first place; im going to feel like Im betraying her and myself. However, Im going to have to work with God and keep practicing and working through this until it no longer has an effect on my present conscious mind. But; its a real thing.
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Ive looked at other women I thought I might be able to have a relationship; suddenly my mind flips back to my first love and every signal tells me; THIS IS NOT YOUR FIRST LOVE: YOU CANNOT GET INTIMATE WITH HER.
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So; I plan to over power this some how; Ill start with working with my higher power on it and writing new stories of over powering it.
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STORIES:
Stories are fables repeated over n over n over in my mind until I believe them. If I write positive stories and add by choice; positive feelings to the stories; and the stories always have me winning no matter what and I'm always winning and getting what I want; sooner or later Ill start to believe this; and soon Ill demand this from the universe; it will become a state of confidence... Ill believe; Ill start to believe what I'm writing about and its all positive with a happy ending every time.
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FIRST LOVE:
SO; This is the real world; and the test will come when Ill start working on letting her go from my nervous system as I start dating other people. This is really really going to be hard but doable. Ill work on it.. God can help me. I've been trauma bonded hard and it will take exercises and practice to undo this...
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This person is in my intimate feelings as if I had a relationship with her and I didnt. Thats what the sociopath pathological liar is trying to create... its a form of manipulation and it has to go; The sociopath pathological liar creates false intimacy within the other person but themselves feels nothing for the other person; thus; Like a drug dealer selling drugs to the drug addict; the drug dealer strings them along in total control. The addict is at their mercy!
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I want new people in that position of intimacy.
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All of this is hard. When I step out into the real world; Im not much. I was all I think about; take that way and Im not much; I haven't done anything yet and I haven't earned it yet and I haven't pay'd for it yet.
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IMPORTANT AREAS OF ADVANCEMENT;
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1. Im mentioning and writing about preparing myself in a real sense to deal with the realities of what Ill work through and what to expect when attempting to date new people.
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2. Ive mentioned the insight and thoughts on creating a life in the outside world; not only the real world desire but to create a building and have a wife; and I can kind of see it in my mind. Creating an outside life.
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3. The areas of triggering months before dating; and the areas of triggering of the past right after I start dating.
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4. Ill be working with God to find Moral people; no narcissists... This is important because Im really defining something Im looking for... I mean; these genuine desires from another person; its a start.
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Can I really handle dating or being in relationships again; I dont know; Ill work with God on it; I see sexual abusers and many other bad people. My nervous system and the child in me who has been betrayed all my life; what Do i do; walk into more of that; Ill work with God on this.
And these are the kinds of real world advancements that will grow and Ill pray about.
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I would also like to say that I got honest about them; and that is a sign of allowing real changes to occur...
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I can feel these outside world changes. Im not sure who God will bring me to hold onto in the outside world while I develop out there; Ill get on my knees right now and pray about it. all of this.
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Ill pray for the new outside world I want to be and fit into..
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I still have problems with seeing my first love in my mind; ITs that fierce loyalty thing that was triggered by this fake person. Now I know better and so Im trying to figure out ways to get rid of her; get her out of my conscious mind; I plan to replace her with someone real or a lot of real people again... I have a whole life waiting for me to experience.
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My minds been trauma bonded and trained to hold on to her image and the feel sorry for me story attached to her image I created concerning her. I did that; because it gave me a legitimate reason to continue to see her or know her or to create this normal person I could have a relationship when no normal person was actually there...
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And so; I have to live with this; this foolish mess-up... I tried to create a fictitious person out of a criminal to have a relationship; Today; if I want an authentic emotional relationship; Ill turn to God first. Ill get on my knees and work with God; Ill pray for help; Ill thank GOd; ill ask for GOds will not mine over n over n over!
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So; things are slowly moving forward; Ill ask God to slowly allow me to move beyond this fake first love into new realms God has for me for my outside life where it will be safe... Ill have to jump ship on her; on my memories of her and leap to land and start over again away from the trauma bonds. Its a ghost ship; It her; let her ghost; let her memories; sunk into the sea and I working with God start over...
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Ill have to start writing new stories about what I want and am looking for in a relationship; and give it to God.
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I was expecting all good things to happen in my childhood; I saw all things on TV and other things I read; and all that I wanted to happen for me as a child; instead; my parents did nothing; I waited; and they dumped me completely.. So later; I wanted someone else to show up on my journey to help me and love me and take the place of best friend family; And I thought I had found it in this girl; But horribly; this was nothing but a narcissist waiting to victimize someone new that came along and nothing more. I was set up and preyed on and then dumped; and i never developed their either.
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So; today; learning to get over the past; Im learning with a higher power to get my own needs met with trust in a higher power.
I lost my ability to be safe with anyone anywhere...
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It seems that all of this is setting me up into reality for new relationships; I think thats whats happening...
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I can see being defensive all the time from bullying has affected my ability to be in relationships.
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SO; THE NEXT STEP:
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right before; before I work through the narcissist completely; or I work through enough to get to this point while working through the narcissist; Im going to seriously want a new relationship; However, not if the narcissist is still in my mind and heart and nervous system. I started to realize; they are not in my heart; they are in my loyalty or Im being victimized into my loyalty; The point is; a new thinking mind; a mind Im in control of vs the victim mind; At this point I have to deal with all the triggers that want to keep me in this old narcissistic relationship and put me back in my place; my nervous system or mind or subconscious mind? trying to keep me loyal to that other person no matter what. Its my job to keep at my goal of new relationships beyond all this past stuff but the closer I get to starting over the triggers increase to want to hold me down where I cant move. And when I get into new relationships; ill be thinking about these other people from the past from triggering; so the goal is to work through this period. This period of preparing to be a free person who can involve in new relationships and then the new me in the beginning dealing with the past getting trigger while in these new relationships.
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Its kind of a red zone when I get close to dating again; and a red zone while dating for awhile until the past goes away.
Im in this place; I could say; the dealing of dissociation and its triggers as i get closer to being in real relationships again... something like that; staying awake. That is my next goal.
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Can I really handle dating or being in relationships again; I dont know; Ill work with God on it; I see sexual abusers and many other bad people. My nervous system and the child in me who has been betrayed all my life; what Do i do; walk into more of that; Ill work with God on this.
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Is this possible; or will my nervous system stop it from happening...
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Im going to work with God to find the right kind of people.. Lets just say decent moral people; no narcissists kind of thing... work with God on this..
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