July 2025
June 2025
A single issue continues to pop up with the universe sending the information; Expression. Trauma was created when I was overwhelmed with fear and cautious from attacks..
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So I became ruptured with to much attack and trauma. However, now; Im getting better; I can trace certainly all problems with the school system from being thrown away and trauma.
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FIRST LOVE; This is another view of FIRst LOVE:
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PRoblems; I could not complete; could not express how I felt or the truth; Her and Her parents thought I was immature.. ( I was laughed at) I was suffering from trauma. This means; I had an anxiety wall around me that I could not break out of or go any further with expression thus not being able to advance into any kind of relationship... Certainly this means no movement with First Love; nothing; it kept everything at the introduction stage. If I had the ability to move forward into touch or intimate word use; I would have moved out of being an acquaintance into having a romantic relationship with her; Unfortunately I would have still be dealing with a sociopath or narcissist... SO... I really gain nothing by opening that door ( But I needed to open that door). However; if I focus on the problem; The problem being; unable to move forward with a women because I couldn't tell her how I felt or express it; I thus; know the problem. ANd; that was the problem...
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And that is important because knowing what the problem is; that is what Ill work on; continue to work on. This problem stretches through the beginning of my life; Its a very important aspect that Im at this place; is amazing Im at this place; Im no longer trying to accuse someone else at this point for my condition; mainly because I dont need to; at this point Im saying; all I have to work on is the ability to expand my territory in the present; in front of me; learn to open up and tell someone when I like them and how I feel about them and what I want and ask for help where Im shy; ( practice this). And all of those things can be done because so many things have been accomplished so far... This is all super great. However, This is going to be hard.. At least at first; I must do much visualizing of taking steps to my goals; over n over n over. and practicing in my imagination.
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NOTE: meditation! I have to be reminded of it all the time..
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FIRST LOVE: FOr the first time; Im not blaming her for anything or looking at her specifically in this situation. Im looking at my behavior that cut me down or stopped me from moving forward in a relationship with her; ANd that behavior is; I clammed up; I could not move. ANd right now I can feel that clamming affect as I write about it in the present. Its PTSD getting massively triggered; dissociative disorder and avpd! ITs like a solid wall. ITs trauma bonded to abusers before I met my FIrst love; its all of those kind of things rapped into one giant iron wall of protection. No way at the time I could explain any of this to anyone; I was so ripped apart. So; with that; what would I have needed to do in order to follow through with a relationship... Ill look at this for my present situation; for ive been privileged by the universe; that if I work at it; the universe will solve this problem for me; And the universe is!
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1. Practice in my imagination; practice setting up a goal; a distanced goal of 20 steps in front of me.. Practice seeing myself walk to that goal and then walk back; taking each step forward; watch the numbers light up under each foot-step as if I was stepping on lighted pads. I watch my legs lift and my feet slowly come down on the pads; one foot after the other; one at at time until I get to my goal; when at the goal; I step forward onto a finish pad that lights up when I stomp on it or jump up n down on it.. Its flashes; FINISH!
I then turn around and walk back; loudly saying to myself or in my inner brain; I say the numbers of each step out loud as I put one foot in front of the other. I can also do this backwards; backwards walking. I can then start from that finishing point and head forward again another 20 steps or 10 steps or 50 steps or 100 steps; and just keep practicing; once I meet a goal I can turn around and come back and do it all over again; thus expanding the length of my pathway... And with enough time the idea of me doing my own work to expand myself; I get used to it. Im doing my own work... Im heading forth just as I used to when I kid. I used to think like this when a kid before the trauma years. I wanted my independence and I was practicing my independence.
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Writing new stories with positive endings over no over until I start to believe these stories.
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The idea of getting good at really putting my energy and focus into writing stories everyday until it feels normal to do so.
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SO; many situations when young I depended on the people around me because I thought they were on my side or my friends; They were not; I was always completely alone and never knew; these people I associated with were my enemies... I never knew; 2 faced sociopathic jackals. Its unbelievable that from the groups of people on planet earth; these are the scum I would find and seek out; I would be fooled by them completely for a very long time; and for a long major time of confusion. I made one big big mistake; I thought they were like me; broken sensitive people who wanted to live. But I was wrong; they were the monsters that were keeping people like me at deaths door; they were the enemy of decent people; they destroyed decent people and God people; I had absolutely no idea. They were sociopaths narcissists; sadistic; some of them; arrogant to point of thinking others not even human compared to them. In some cases; Psychopathy behavior; where one will hurt himself or others; all of these things showing up; Pathological liars..
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Here I am now; learning for the first time how to expand my life through practicing in my imagination the things i want... And with out the scum bags of the past; any of them. Totally worth ever moment of this; but Im just starting; just starting to question that wall in front of me and step over it and into it and through it; because now; I kind of sorta can; not sure I can say anymore then that; Ill practice in that force field first and then report back; Whats most important; what happened to the damn gap between me and all of these problems; they've filled in. Its as if Im walking across a clear plexiglass lake; 10 feet thick.. from one side to the other; I mean; Im healing from all the work Im doing. Its great to be aware of all this; that the emptiness is slowly leaving and getting filled in with my real aligned life again. But its just starting and Im hitting ruff waters right from the start; and I must created bridges to go across those ruff waters.. lots of them on all sides; expanding my territory.
So; Its the beginning of a time period right now I haven't seen for a very very long time; way way back in my childhood or adolescent period at that beginning stage. My childhood is coming back to me; I get to start over again.. I get what I earn...
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I have bullies and bulling to work through; where I was scared to go outside or hang out or go to school when young; SO; I have allot of that kind of humiliation to deal with; Ill work with God and hopefully see myself walking right through them to my goals; but I dont know yet; Ive got allot of that kind of lack od safety time periods to go through.
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So; Im up on the edge of this... and Im timid but putting my foot slowly through the force field to the other side and stepping down onto the grassy floor; on the other side. ANd Im willing to just take chances in my imagination and work with these things... slowly walking a few feet past that boundary down the energy river a bit; see what happens when I go beyond myself. Praying all the time; on my knees all the time; Your will GOd; not mine; help me; help help help help help help help help help help me GOd; thank you God Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God! Your will not mine GOd; Amen..
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FIRST LOVE: SHe faked her feelings for me; she faked her interest for me; she faked her respect for me; SHe faked her friendship for me; her soulmatism. She faked everything down to the last leaf being raked up by a 9 year old neighborhood kid looking for extra video game money! SHe wasnt a friend of mine. It was all faked; So; On that note; I dont lose anything here. The goal is; with time and with this way of thinking I should be able to move on and experience relationships again at an emotional level.. meaningful dating for a purpose... working with God for attracting the right people.
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Im getting used to this idea I never really met anyone when I was young that I could marry or have a relationship with or was even friendly or interested in me; Nothing. Zero! ANd Im slowly getting used to this idea.
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WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?:
Keep earning my way by writing new stories about my life and creating pathways in my imagination with an alignment through God Universe... So; much meditation; meditation allows me to hear Gods solutions to my problems.
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Ill keep reporting in on everything; IM getting closer; the goal is to get that Fake First Love out of my system. Im not sure how long this will take but God is anchoring in and bulging it out; like digging mud out of a pond; God is digging it all out of my system slowly.. Day by day!
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