July 2025
June 2025
ANxiety Disorder; This is the main issue; culprit of my life condition at the present time.
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There would never be an ability for some girl of the past to get close to me; impossible. I could beat myself up for it like I did in the past; but not anymore. There would be no answer to why I didn't follow through; that's because regardless of how bad I wanted it with all my heart; I would never be able to follow through; WHy? Anxiety Disorder... Regardless of what the girl did; loved me hated me spat on me had contempt for me; liked me shunned me laughed at me or left me; Regardless; I was behind a glass window I would never be able to overcome.. I was trapped behind a force field of a giant wall; Anxiety disorder. Thus; those type of relationships would never happened; they would be curtailed before they ever started... And that's exactly what happened.
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What I did not understand? I could do nothing about it either; No one could. My whole past would never be realized; and I didnt even know it. All my feelings about my past; what happened and all blame was useless. I didn't have any control over it; I was behind a glass wall I could never reach beyond regardless.
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If someone dropped a dollar in front of me or they dropped a million dollars in front of me; regardless; I could not pick them up; either situation. I used to make excuses for it. If only I was a better person from a better background and so on. Or a person of higher regard and better stock or from a better group of family members. In the end it matters not. For I was suffering from a force field that kept me in a cage with no way to get out. I could look out the cage but I could not move.
I have other mental problems besides this but will not bring that up here for this essay.
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So; regardless of the girl in front of me; it was wishful thinking; it would and could never happen...
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opportunities; never happen.
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Money grabs; never happen.
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talent takes practice; the ability to practice a thing and get good at it; Never happen. I could only see it from a set of eyes ran by derealism. it was like looking out glass pop bottles from the 1960's; That's the distortional view I experienced. Nothing I could do.
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When I went down with the ship; I imagined all kinds of scenarios where I'm saving myself; Never happened; I could not move from freeze mode.
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I wanted to be drummer; Never will happen; cant happen; never will happen.
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And this trend will continue with a familiar ring to it... No matter what I thought about that would make me happy; I could never participate to make things happen... I could not make things happen. I was dissociated from my body and my mind; impossibility. Never never never! never ever!
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Never never never.
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I wanted to do good in school; never! No way; I mean; that is so much interactive give n take; Impossible.. never ever ever ever!
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My life has a force field around it. I can use my imagination of what I desired but never left the ring of anxiety; I could never do anything ever! I could not really create or paint or draw anymore or anything else. Nothing. Dating never existed; that is something of a 1000 miles away; only something I saw on TV where those with lives got to be part of; Not part of my reality.
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And this list goes on n on n on...
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NOTE: The cool deal about all of this; I stopped blaming myself anymore. I now understand...
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SO;
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WHat do I do Now.
Well; Ive got some answers.
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First; The greatest answer has been solved; None of my problems are from the past. The past wont solve anything for me... Not know!
The problem is my future that is created in the present. So; Im having a problem in the present; No Past!
Im having a problem in the present when I attempt to walk out of this force field of anxiety into a large sphere of possibilities.
When ever I get close to people I shut down. It matters not what my intention is... I shut down long before I ever get close to anyone. My mind goes back to childhood and Im not present anymore because I do not feel safe.
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I do not feel safe because I do not want to get hurt; I dont want someone pulling the rug out from underneath me like when I was a child.
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Problems that cause Anxiety disorder.
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FAMILY SYTEM;
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So; I never had a mother or father who would watch me fish for the first time; or have a girlfriend for the first time or put up a tent for the first time or deal with bad or good grades a good grade on a test for the first time or use of my talents or watch me in a parade or play football or help me with my real homework. Nothing. THeir would be no one directing me toward any kind of life.
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Instead; they stripped me of my dreams; stripped me of my friends; stripped me of the street I grew up on; the house I grew up in and the town I was born from; all things were taken away; even any remembrance items of childhood; it was all taken; confiscated and destroyed as if I had never been born. The only image of me was there image of me; not mine. and when they wanted that image destroyed so they could move on emorally to other family systems; they simply buried that I Was ever born; Pure monsters.
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Sexual abuse from their relatives will come after school bullying and being the scapegoat. By that time Im non functional.
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However, the point is; I never made it out of my childhood of up to about 5th grade; I never made it past that... I was hit with a tsunami of trauma that would never end against me. It was like an aggression pack against me; against my very being by these monsters.
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No exit interview before being pushed out.... And thus I went into a state of panic PTSD terror... And never came out of survival mode.
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So; there it is; all this overwhelming loss of experiencing any normal human life experiences. And of course Im not telling all of what went on through a daily basis of horror. I mean; Id be here all night long; However, Ive brought up some good general descriptions that the view can grab onto to understand the greater constriction of my life during those bad years and the condition it left me within later life; a condition of disability and the in ability to be part of anything other then my desire to dissociate from reality.
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SOLUTIONS:
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I have solutions;
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The most important solutions or not really solutions; They are anchors in life; stabilities established that will help with solutions as I practice those solutional exercises building larger foundations for my present life. And I have and I will continue to.
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1. Recovery meetings
2. recovery people
3. God Universe
4. Success based thinking. Programs for successful people; teaching people how to think and grow rich!
5. Hobbies and talents and callings. I know what my talents and callings and hobbies are; They have been reworked and gone through; Under GOd and alignment; I know what my hobbies are and my callings at this point...
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5. All the therapy; councilor's and therapist and such in the beginning.
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What are solutions that are workable for me today that I can start on; the start on the process of helping myself.
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First; the ability to use success based thinking process that the rich used to get rich. I use these same concepts to help me expand beyond my mental health limitations and Ive made great changes for the good because of it; Ive had many intimate personal successes so far...
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Meditation and prayer. This is suppose to be a daily occurrence. or; all day occurrence. Im working on stepping out a bit for meditation. Im putting some pressure on myself to meditate everyday. We will see; Im rebellious and its hard. Prayer all the time on my knees as much as possible with my head to the floor praying over n over to Thank GOd and Gods will not mine; over n over.
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Goal setting; I work with the universe through alignment by meditation and prayer and then work on writing up ideas for goals; and many times the universe will put new ideas in my head.
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Visualization;
I visualize myself in those new places I desire; my goals.
I visualize myself walking from where Im at to new destination points closer to my goals. Meaning; I see myself walking down my pathway 20 steps. I then imagine Ive stopped; been rewarded for my step walking Then turn around and come back. I visualize the whole thing; each step; Then do it again; and again and again. And Ill make pictures of taking steps from a starting point to an end goal; Ill create a picture of myself walking step by step to that goal; getting to the goal; getting rewarded for it; then turning about and doing it again.
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Ill write stories about walking foot by foot to my goal and then being rewarded then turning around and walking back then doing it again.
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Ill keep doing this kind of imagination work in my head and on paper... writing new stories of taking one step after the other to my intented outcome. Ill practice in my brain.
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And so Ive learned how to do this at a basic level and more n more I rely on this kind of thing on a daily basis to get me to knew destinations within my imagination. When my imagination; what Im creating becomes strong enough; It starts wearing clothing and starts walking around in my head; Soon its walking in front of me. Thoughts turn to things!
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I attract what I am am not what I want. So the goal is; become what I want and then Ill attract it; I must believe it first; Im getting it before it shows up. I must believe first before I see it.
Its important to meditate first before I think about desires... thats what Ive been told. Its kind a hard but OKE Ill keep trying. The idea is; Ill be in a centered state of mind and spirit with the universe and thus being in alignment Im able to receive much more. However, non of that matters until Im done meditating. After meditation is a good time to look into my desires and write about having the dreams I want to awaken.... Thats what ive studied; Im not a perfect lad at any of this. Im slowly learning for the first time how to meditate first. Im not very disciplined yet. Ill get there.
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If I want a girlfriend; I imagine someone at this point; And then I imagine taking physical steps walking up to her. Next Ill work on what my presentation might be up and around her. And ill practice this in my head and stories on paper.
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The goal is to learn with GOds help how to believe Im worthy enough for this to happen for me; And Im learning right now.
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The same can be said for Money
the same can be said for a car
The same can be said for a house
The same can be said for friendship or helpers sent by the universe
The same can be said for a New Mother and Father to show up and love me and help me...
The same can be said for finding and using talents and callings.
The same can be said for where I want to live
The same can be said for creating a family
The same can be said for finding God.
The same can be said for vacations
The same can be said for occupations and jobs and work and careers..
And so on.......
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The key is to learn the work to a point that I really truly believe what i want has already arrived; I've got this. Raising my frequency level. Thats the goal; so I know exactly what Im working toward... It does take faith and patience... Both things I can ask the universe to help me with. Ill go down a journey to learn those spiritual concepts under GOds care...
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I use Law of attraction coaches from videos for this.. I dont pay for them; I just watch random vids on such things and learn and let God direct me.
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While going out on the edge and doing this reconstructive work I must go to 12 step meetings to get replenished and to feel safe and sane and part of things on a daily basis. ANd thats not easy; those meetings are not always safe regardless of the meeting group.
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No such thing as doing anything alone; no such Killa Whale; Not for me; not anymore; I got nowhere being Dick Tracy or Dick Head or Bat Man because I put on my bat man outfit... I have to do the visualization work; meditation and prayer.
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I go to meetings to help others...
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The goal is to work these things with Gods help and see where I fit into working through anxiety disorder; see if I can break through the walls maybe...
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The idea is; the universe will bring me what I think I deserve. THe universe brings me who I am.
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The problem is; With anxiety disorder; I feel like Im next to worthless and not worthy of anything ever! or loved; No self esteem or self worth... So I have my work cut out for me. Ill work at it!
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ITs all up hill from here( and that is good). Everything is and will get better...
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So; that is my plan for dealing with anxiety disorder; the realities of it; my on going experiencing of it. For the present right now.
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I do not take compulsive action on something God has not told me to do yet...
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If I want to be rich financially; I have to believe....
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