July 2025
June 2025
Its hard taking action; IVe been lazy day dreaming about all that they did to me. But that aint working anymore;
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NOTE: Im in the recovery process; 12 step meetings; talking to people; dealing with people; learning how to talk in a meeting... Ive got a few sponsor from different groups; Ive worked the steps on paper with a sponsor; and Im working it now. I go to several groups; I go do several meetings a day; I call and talk to people these days and ask for rides; I get up at night and morning to re txt to make sure they know Im needing a ride today and are they going to show up. I talk with my ride on the way to the meeting and back again about the recovery process; I have a good solid working accessibility to my higher power Mr/Ms God universe and their son Jesus maniphesto no crime=o no disaster o; number 9-owe! And I walk and talk to him all day long....
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NOTE; learning how to trust God and ask for help! Help me Help me Help me Help me; Help me God.
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So; I have to learn how to ask for help in situations. Im not God and Im depending on God to bring me things.
So; I have to pray to work with God to make things brought to me. I have to take some action; I can also work with GOd on that as well; and how to practice that; feeling first safe and learn how to trust again...
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I could not do that when young; I finally gave up...
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So; I tried it this morning; I was at the store and saw a young man heading/ running) the take out area... And He said something to me; I tried to look him in the eyes and feel OKe with myself; Im getting better; had a half way decent conversation with him; didnt really feel to much shame and guilt; I was feeling avoidant...
From the abuse and being criticized every chance any adult could attack; I avoided more n more everything and everyone to a point I could not function anymore from the abuse... I did OKE with the guy at the store today.
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So; Now I felt half way OKe talking to this person.
I realize the inability to talk to anyone has destroyed all things human. Fear; Im learning to say; Help me God; Help me GOd; Help me God; help me; Help help help help help! God; Amen.
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So; on my knees working with GOd on how to want something and then praying and waiting for God to fill me up; to be present and then to take me from there... God comes first; must show up first first; God shows up because I depend on God and I cry out for help for what I want; help help help help on everything... Your will God not mine; your will God not mine...
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I HAVE A PROBLEM;
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I cant get over one aspect of my First Love; meaning; its not unlocked yet; and its frustrating.
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I had 2 friends growing up; both very similar; both turn out to be narcissists in the end or worse; sociopathic pathological.
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The first one; a best friend from childhood; I got over. I worked with a higher power; and actually made it back to his parents house and stayed with them for a few hours and assessed the situation; I gathered all the evidence to add to more evidence I needed; I proved with no doubt this was a sociopathic natured person who was actually incapable of having any kind of safe friendship with me; Impossible and probably was never safe. It was easy at that final point to turn around and walk away. And I never looked back; Nothing there!
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As for my First Love; The same has been true for some effects... for certain aspects of my association with her ive been able to see the evidence; However a snag occurs at some point and Im stuck. Im about 75% the way there; to saying goodbye to her; her memory and never looking back. I may be confused because I thought I had a purpose in her life; to be her friend; to love her to marry her; soulmate and other things; Only to find nothing existed. I was connecting to thin air; nothing there. I think it has something to do with a trauma bond and the child in me thinking she was my mother... or connecting to her to be loved and cared for and admired like a mother would admire their child. So; my dependency; being dropped from that connection; altho she had no real connection to me; its all to much; I cant handle it. And maybe I need to express that; I mean I can feel the freedom just admitting about this connection. It felt like God had brought me a mother. But in reality; no mother existed in her or existed with her as her nothing. So the whole thing is ghastly and rapingly appearent. Its like a horror show; even been led on like that is so horrible; but this is a narcissist sociopath; and a sadistic one... So; I have to admit; I got tortured...
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So; Im reeling the affects of being tortured. And Im not sure where to go from here concerning admitting to the damage; the horrible damage done to me from my experiences with this sociopath... I mean; I was horrible scared and traumatized by all this; trauma bonded. As I remember; the person had no concious; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde. They had no past about them; when they moved forward; no past regardless of what they had done or left behind; they simply buried everything to cover their tracks and moved on! It was like my experience with the person was muffled; murdered shut down. So Im extremely affected by it. And its my number one issue to get over and move on from.
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Im starting to slowly move in through that wall into the deeper areas of it... So i can deal with it; so much great pain involved; its incredible. I just never thought about someone turning out to be a narcissist and pathological liar who was defrauding everymove with them the whole time...
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I guess Ill start writing on it. I know there's massive grief in this corner of my broken mind over this. But I so want that garage cleared out of the hold dysfunctional memories of the past. Im almost looking forward to all of this being worked through. I would like it gone but Im not sure whos going to work through it; Im kind of avoiding all that. Ill work with God on it so I can get started some how going into this deeper area concerning the remaining memories of history of my first love!
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Im afraid some parts of her are still alive in me PTSD and other things; as if she is present; but Im working very hard for a replacement set of thoughts and a new life away from that; IM getting closer to freedom...
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I want to want to be separated from this individual and those memories; no longer living off them or needed them codependently.
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Other Problems;
The admitting of associating with those of psychopathy; believing I was in safe spaces; I deserved finding and being in safe spaces; and finding yet one more sociopath/Malignant narcissism with psychopathy traits where I thought I would find safe spaces. Living with being a fool or fooled by the narcissist; the humiliation of being duped when I was in real trouble.. And still being entangled and completely fooled. Im not anywhere near through all this but at least I can see it.
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Dissociation;
suddenly Im seeing more problems because I go into dissociated states and they are not accessible for my original personality.
For example; I was playing the piano before a meeting this morning; a 12 step meeting; and realized; that person; that personality; that purpose; me as player at that moment was a protected situation.. I was in another personality. A personality protected. That protection and purpose was the child or teen in me to express myself safely; it was not for the any reading of music or being an actual musician. It had nothing to do with connecting to the outside world as a thing or an identity to be judged; it was the 12 year old in me going over to the piano and fooling around with it; I had no desire to be someone or become someone or to use any talents to do something with my life! I was just a 12 year old sitting at the piano where I could be alone with myself and feel safe and express myself.
And I realized; in that state; I was untouchable to accomplish anything musical; for it seemed pre musical; it was not about music; it was about me and how I felt and wanting to feel safe. It was a place of dissociation. A protected place. I could not go into that realm without first gathering permission; re developing the ability within my imagination to walk into that space in my imagination; meaning the adult me and taking that space over and doing something in it... When I say take it over; I dont mean bullying my other self into it. I am my other self; so; its an OLDER? me going for this.
The point is; I have a way of slowly climbing back into myself that I can be productive again; to allow the productive me to create steps in my imagination and walk into fields of mystery for mastery; thus, taking steps right up to the piano bench of the 12-year-old-Me-and then back to me again; slowly practicing in my mind; over n over n over! Until the full me can walk over to that bench and be present; and if present; I can do some real work there.
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The adult musician in me is not developed in the real world; Most of the time in the real world Im reverting back to a 12 year old needy... However, as I get stronger right now; things change.
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I think when having numerous long term mental breakdowns and breaks from reality and becoming psychotic; I either completely left earth and or went back to being in the womb before I was born.. At best at later stages I was a small child and thats the best I could do...
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So; The universe giving me insites to become somebody.
And I would like to say that my mind shutters that the sexual abuser is going to appear and stalk me and cut me down to size if I show any signs of expression; self expression; so; that stopped me from functioning; and ive never really been able to correctly express myself ever again; to much fear of when I was young being taken advantage of like a lifeless dead body; and against my will that someone any time they wanted to barge into my space and demand anything they wanted; as if I was some kind of object... They could be as cruel as they wanted to be; like I was an animal in a cage with no rights... Kidnapped.
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So; for me to start expressing myself again is to see those monsters come out again after me or at me.
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So; Im learning to create footsteps toward my goals right over the top of abusers in my imagination in free spaces created in my imagination and take back my power and my position and my land; my space and protect it! ...
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NOTE: First Love; Beginning to become unlocked; The universe sends information to me all day long now. And new information has come to me.
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1. A Question was sent to me; Who can I compare my first love to that would indicate that she is like bad people I've already known. This question has been coming to me more n more for the last few weeks.
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The answer came to me slowly a few days ago; I was sexually abused and controlled; more like being kidnapped.. And my first love suddenly; I saw it and remembered it; She began to resemble the same kind of abusers. And I thought; that makes sense; that's exactly what I would attract. I mean; that's exactly where my nervous system was at before I met her. I wanted a helper. I made a great mistake by meeting her; I ended up at the wrong household.
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2. Finally; today; as I was pushing on God more n more; I authentically remember being at those relatives houses and suddenly I saw the face of my first love, as if she was standing on the basement stairs with me and with them; because she was one of them; In my imagination;
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and I felt it and it was a pure thought; a pure thought of her as one of them; she was one of the bad guys; someone 100% against me completely; 100%; and that is what GOd wanted for me from the beginning; to get to a point with no reservations on who she is or was. I Was to get to a point to understand she was not on my side ever; and should have never been allowed near me ever or anyone else like her! She was one of the abusers much like those relatives I had to live with... She was the same empty souled sociopath.. thats all this person was; no more!
So; Finally Im getting answers.
Because this person resembles those relatives 100%; their is no reason to remember her as anything more then a murder'r like those that murdered me when young; she was just another one trying to get away with something. 2 faced creeps!~
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THe goal is to keep this identity of her; keep it up; keep seeing her as a twisted sycophant who trampled me under her feet; turned and tore me to pieces...
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ALl of these abusers have something in common. I was trying to grow; move forward in development innocently; each one of them was trying to snuff out that development when they saw it or I exposed that vulnerability to them; they tried to stomp me out; destroy me; trample me in numerous ways into pieces.
My First Love; She mistook kindness for weakness; she began to compete with me; She thought she had beaten me she spit in my face in so many ways; turned on me completely as if she had never met me; and threw me away completely... Later was going to have a thug beat me into a hospital. So much for love! This was no friend of mine!
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I was around disgusting scumbags; low lifes; with nice clothing and well to do families.. They acted the roll at first; but suddenly changed in mid flight into the monsters I know them to be.
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Again; As I reach out to GOd and work with the universe; more n more information about my first love that I can use against her to create a negative picture of who she really was; Is a good thing. THe truth is good enough. She was a monster; a complete stranger who was fooling me the whole time; She was a cunning monster; a deceptive Jackal; trying to see how far she could fool someone; What makes me most sick is how physically close she got to me; it was all staged; fake. Unbelievable. I would never let someone like that get close to me in this life; But I didnt know who she was... She was a monster; she was a murder'r; not a friend of mine; she was my enemy!
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Hopefully Ill keep this up and see myself running away from her and people like her; Ill be running to safe spaces in the hills; on higher ground and forget I ever met here.
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Im hoping she turns into the same valueless lunatic in my mind my best friend turned into within my mind. He was exactly the same; They thought they were superior to everyone... I was fooled because I foolishing went to them; they didnt even have to do any work to deceive me; I showed up like a fool to their door.. Unbelievable.
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So now; it kind of starts for me. I will grieve some more and see where this gets me. I just want to feel safe!
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THe goal is to get rid of every aspect of that person; enough that I can start over with relationships in the present; Im getting closer...
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REACHING OUTWARD IN MY IMAGINATION;
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In my imagination Im beginning to start where those abusers stomped me out of existence when I was younger; Im starting at that point where its the end of self. Im starting to watch my footsteps slowly; one foot after the other create steps to a goal sign somewhere in front of me; several hundred feet; and Im walking to it; Im watching myself walk to it; and when I get their; I step on a pad that lights up and says; FINISH... That means Ive finished that segment of moving forward. Certainly I pray first.
ANd Im creating more n more of these pathways. ANd I practice these pathways; over n over n over in one form or another... I keep creating more of them; all taking off from my centered point of where I finished growing when very young. With enough time; Im walking right over my limited past into new frontier. Im practicing over n over n over; And from one FINISH pad Im standing on; Ill turn and face down the pathway and create more steps to another finish line. And Ill keep this up; creating hundreds of small little extensions of pathways; ever heading me down energy river to my next destination. The more I practice these basics; the stronger and more directed I get...
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Ill say this!
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The answers I seek are down the energy river and in alignment with my inner being; the universe; sunny Jesus and source energy higher power! Meditation brings such things about for me to communicate with my higher power and inner being and the alignment so desperately needed...
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