July 2025
June 2025
The bigger picture is arrizing...
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When I was 14 I had many many problems with no one to help me; and no one that cared. My ability to express myself was being cut down to nothing in several areas because of extreme trauma and no help.
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I was praying about it... pray to GOd for a helper.
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And thus I ended up at this girls house up the street; this when I was being forced to live in a new town with my mother who did not want me; who abandon me several years before... She had already gone through several husbands including my father and was on to a few more after my father... And yet another one was living on the coast. I had no one so; I just wanted someone to care about me; I did not understand... I had been thrown away and was thrown away with no help... no guidance; nothing.
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Anyway;
So; Did God send me up the street to this girls house; or did I. Well; ill say I did it! I had motivation in my heart and soul from God to do something!
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I ended up at this girls house; It was she who I thought God had sent to help me; be my helper to learn how to relearn to trust someone and learn again how to express myself. of course; this didn't work. She could care less who I was. And after putting all my eggs in one basket for her; she left... She did not care about me. I meant nothing to her.. This was after I made the commitment for her in my heart.. I was set up by a scumbag...
The point; I went to her for a specific reason; to develop. To get my ability to express myself back... I was shortly developing with her; not for very long.. And all of that collapsed. And I was abandon on purpose.. Right when I opened myself up to show who I really am; what my real limitations were; I had just began to open the real me up more to that vulnerable place; She turned on me into someone else.. Suddenly she was stuck up and not my friend.. So; after putting myself out completely; I had the rug pulled out on me and I was destroyed.. It was planned from the beginning. She planned it this way!
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Here is the point. As I get better now; Im back; back to that place of aga 14 right before I meet that girl up the street... This girl could not help me! And I never did confide in her! I never gave her a chance and she left and never came back and I was devastated.. Abandon again.
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HEre's the deal. Im starting to heal; And Im at that place again; as If I was 14 needing someone to help me learn to express myself again. It certainly wont be the girl up the street... SHes long gone.
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So; Im in this new place under God learning how to manifest what I need now. I did report all this to my group tonight; And that means Im talking about it in front of a recovery group; as thas a change; Im actually talking to others in a group and not to some single women who lives up the street; instead its to an actual recovery group; and that is great!
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The point is; Im at this change point; this fork in the road; this new direction because something will now take the place of my First Love. Im growing again and in need of a helper to help me with my ability to express myself. Ill work with God on this...
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Ill start reaching out to GOd on this... I can feel the end of myself on this subject; because i never did develop myself up at that girls house when I was a teen. I was suppose to I think; but it never happened.
IN fact; I think I was suppose to go somewhere else and develop but I never got that far. I was not working with a higher power directly in those days.. ALl of this was before recovery... Horrible.
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So; its strange; my mind is used to seeing the stress from that girl up the street; Now I have to work through and over that set of memories into something completely new!
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This time I follow God and work with through recovery groups...
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Its kind of exciting to be this far. I dont know what to think.
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Thank you God; Thank you God; Thank you God; Thank you God; Thank you God!
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