July 2025
June 2025
First Love not possible;
Becoming goal oriented
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First Love; AspD and NPD.... This is probably a clear diagnosis possibility of my First LOve. What this means; There is no one present; no personality present. No concious; no social responsibility, No remorse; nothing.
What does this mean; it means the Sociopath or pathological liar in this case; must fake any concept of relationship; they must fake out who they are because they are not!
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They will merrior me completely and sense and look for my weak areas or my sensitivities and find out what Im most interested in being in a relationship and lie to become that countered part that I believe Ive found everything Im looking for.
THey will go out of there way to fake what ever it is Im really looking for; they fake the whole package making themselves irresistible; to the point that Im complete with fierce loyalty toward them.
They will unfortunately fake and play a kind of helpless condition where Im the great Knight; the savior that is the only one that can save them/help them; THey will play it completely; act it out completely; its all fake; They will fake out the role of soulmate down to the last letter.
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THey will play out best friend potential. Meaning; they will charm me; listen to me; be in their place as if Im the King and they are servant of respect and appreciation; It will appear so appetizing I will never give it up ever. THey will play into my fierce loyalty to a point I will never want to leave ever and never need anyone ever again except them.
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Put the whole package together; and it appears I have my future wife and best friend. In reality; I have no one.
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And ( ITS NOT PERSONAL); The quicker I study Narcissistic personality disorder; the more Ill understand I walked into someone with a severe mental condition. Its not personal. THey are completely not available for a relationship of any kind ever. The person I meet is nothing more then a contrived reflection of myself... or someone I want to meet.. These people are severely mentally ill?
ITs almost like trying to have a relationship with someone who has been extremely brain damaged from a car wreck; ITs not possible.
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I did not have a best friend or any friend from my association with my First Love; I was a victim myself of being fooled by this covert narcissist sociopath. When I take the evil part out of it; its just someone with severe personality disorder that I have no business ever getting near or associating with...
And Im slowly getting a grab on that concept...
So; No best friend here. Never was.
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NOW WHAT?
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SO; Im becoming goal oriented into the real world.
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One of the goal is for a wife and best friend. Ill start with meditation and prayer for such things; get things softened up... malleable.
Ill start praying about having a wife best friend. Ill start writing stories about my new best friend wife.
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Ill have to work with God on this best friend thing; Study it. Ive not had good results when young with this concept; I ended up attracting bad people who were so mentally ill; they had no personalities; they were faking everything; frauds. I mean; is that what I want for my present and future life; NO WAy! So; what do I do different this time; Thats what Im taking to the universe. Ill be working on this concept for along time until I begin to see something form from it; something on paper and in my imagination of the kind of person Im looking for; someone aligned with a higher power.. My Higher power will spit out the information as I go along and will help me.. ITs a start!
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BECOMING THAT GOAL ORIENTED GUY>
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Im becoming that goal oriented person; where Im up to speed with it and its part of my personality; Not yet; but the first part of it has taken; meaning; its in me; now it must grow...
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Everything is under God; On my knees; Face on the floor; Hands out in front or what ever works; " Thank you God; Thank you God; Thank you God Thank you God"
100 times; " Your will; not mine God; your will not mine GOd; your will not mine GOd". And keep going.
And randomly and randomly on my knees through the day and when I have bad miss aligned thoughts; On my knees; Thank you God; Your will not mine God your will not mine God; Amen!
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And so on; As much as I can take during the day...
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It feels hard going back to this level of frequency... I have to ask God for reinforcements; for a village to love and swarm me with affection that are helping me develop; Im asking for that God; amen...
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Im blindly 0r having been blindly compulsive to solve my problems; and that wont work!~ I have to stay awake and work with God!
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I have to keep working with God and watch the things I want in my life to show up... So far; Ive acted out to get the things Ive wanted; I don't want that anymore. I want to work with God on what I want and watch it show up.
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Im learning how to stay awake...
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Ive got this compulsive side that wants to put me to sleep... Im trying to pray for the right environment to be awake in and practice and to believe again. What do I want to be doing.
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Non of this is easy but its real... I have real possibilities for a future.
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Ill probably write a blog on family; that means a new family.. Man O man! O man! That means A new segment of family life added on to the horror from the past. But it wont be connected to the past; its a new situation not connected to the past. So; incredible. Im working with God on it I guess. Ill talk to God about it. I dont know what i will create; Ill work through God on this.. Let it open up; write stories about it.
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FIRST LOVE: Not any kind of friend of mine... Regardless of what I remember; its all fake because of antisocial personality disorder and or narcissism/ Psychopathy. This person could not help it! and will never be able to help it as long as they live.
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What's really hard is letting go of her completely all that I remember because non of it is real and non of it is personal. Nothing. its just simply wrong.. THere was no one there!
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So; working with God is to start over from the beginning; and thats what Im doing right now.
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Phase 8 will continue until I well past my first love; I understand she was a stranger who could never really know me and was not capable of having any real friendship with people. When Im completely or well on my way past her; Ill move from Phase 8. Not yet; I think it will be awhile to get up to speed for that. Im still on the journey or pathway of this; the past is not settled yet!
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