July 2025
June 2025
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I believe what Im doing is learning how to express myself from different times. Talking about different time periods.. That's what this is all about. Im opening up those time periods and talking about them. About my thoughts on what happened to me from the vantage point of a boy when it was happening. My thoughts as a boy when all of this was happening and what it means.
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It may be that I lost my voice to share because of trauma. And all of this work is letting out what I was thinking of at the time...
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Im not sure even working with God I will ever find out or know what happened with my First Love; what it was about or why! God knows. I know one thing. I am suppose to follow God not that person; because following that person was like following someone into hell. So that could not have been the right type of people to associate with. Ive talked to God about giving her a break because I wanted to treat her nicely. I may have been wrong! Ill keep working with God on it.
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The main goal of all this is to get my voice back now! to regain it. And I must work through the past; letting out my feelings of what was important! How I really felt; what I was hiding and why!
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I would like God to get me over the past associated with First Love; so I can move on to something real... Ill keep working with God on this.
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Unfortunately I had a fierce loyalty to her; I say I did; but I didn't. I never had a loyalty to anyone. And thus. I have to look at my lies! I had a fierce loyal kind of personality and I thought about my fantasy to be with that person. But that was all. I could have had a fierce loyalty to her but I didn't. No; I couldn't have had a fierce loyalty to her or I would have? WHy didnt I? that is a good question?
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I keep trying to make it out like we were together when we weren't. I never hurt anyone because I never went out with anyone; I never followed through with anything. And I felt like I abandon her. In reality; I was never going out with her so I didnt abandon anyone. I felt I was trying to create a friendship with her; but I never followed through. I did not trust her! And in the end I was right; but Im not sure how I knew I was going to be right!
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I dont think this person was my friend or was around me to be a friend. I look at the end result and see this was a covert narcissist and or this was someone who had no values; I meant nothing to them and never would. So; why was this person allowing me to create a friendship with them. Why? Its pure evil! It was a game; and they would pull the rug out on that game as soon as the gig was up! And I saw that; some how! And thats exactly what they did.
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And in the end; that's exactly what happened; They could care less if they ever met me... or ever saw me again... What does this tell me; What was I doing up at their house for! Im worth more then that!
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Those are all good questions; And Ill continue to seek answers...
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Im trying to open up that time period; and I will continue to do so; because I think thats what is important.
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Getting my voice back and working with God to get my life back; thats whats important!
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GOALS; The goal of all of this is;
To have a new girlfriend and to created music and perform it live... thats what all this work is about..
So; I continue to work with God and seek answers until I can become present again.
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Music; Rearranged my music equipment. Keep working with God on things... The idea is; at some point when things are aligned; Ill start writing music again; and so if I keep at it; Im getting closer.
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LESSONS;
I have lessons to learn about what is safe and what is not; who is safe and who is not. Many times I open up my life around others and places I think are safe and they are not! And Im shocked and surprised and maybe taken advantage of; but then I stop and think about it; It was never safe in the first place. But I dont learn... I get offended when others walk over me in places with no established authority.
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An example;
For example; imagine I enter a ruff neck bar with cowboys and thugs; I go into the bar and began to loudly talk about anything I want! Suddenly I get a chair slammed across my face and Im tossed to the ground and stomped.
Should I be in shock because I opened up to a bunch a red neck drunks... And got slammed for it. what then; am I going to fight for my right to speak at bars anytime I want; NO! I doubt it; I wont go back into places like that to speak freely and openly; Why did I think I could in the first place.
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So; Im a bit naive kind of!
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So; I have to work with God to open up the way God wants me to...
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Im a bit scared to become friends with people; to create a friendship; Look what happened when I was young; it was with all the wrong people.
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The question is; Feeling safe again to create friendships...
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I have to remember before; Non of those bad people came to me; I went to them; So; God never brought any of those bad people to me. God never attracted any of those people; I went out on my own and found them... Much like an unlucky soldier finds a land mine!
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The question this time; Working with God; How will I know; Ill have to do some real work on this subject; not shallow segments of this subject... Ill have to really get into this and learn how God will show me how to protect me and to stay out of expectations with others.
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Newest information the universe has brought me today;
Again; things have changed. This time in a matter of hours...
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FRIENDSHIP;
I created 2 main friendships in my life;
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1. Best friend when very very young; small child...
2. First Love; Teenage years; High School...
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They were both doomed experiences of horror. I created friendships with covert narcissists or the equivalent. They were both extremely similar on many levels. Who and Why did I do this with such demonic people; why I attracted such demonic people; I dont know.
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I know this; This time Im working with God and the universe... Ill work closely with God and the universe under Gods umbrella of spirituality. Ill be covered from the start; Ill attract the alignment of GOd in others who have God in them... Ill work with God on all this.
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Ill have to learn how to deal with dysfunction in relationships. And over come them.
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The universe has uncovered my ability to create friendships... Now I remember; and I will use those techniques again in the present under Gods care...
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I makes me sick; those people I attracted; they were phonies; Godless Jackals.... Thats all they were. God got me out of there; away from them for good... I was so confused and broken.
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So; Now; this concept of creating friendships has come back to me and is now open to inquire about; Ill talk to God about it. IVe been working toward things and this appears... now I remember!
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Ill create new relationships; This time under the care of God...
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MUSIC:
My little music studio continues to grow little bits at a time. At some point Ill start producing music for myself; Im getting closer...
Our partner
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