July 2025
June 2025
THe goal of the Phase series is;
1. A girlfriend
2. Live performance of my music
First; ( What does this mean?) It doesn't have to be perfection; It just means Im back in the real world; learning how to be up to speed in all ways socially that I need to be in order to talk and plan and flirt and meet new people; New women; and work toward through trial and error until I have a legit girlfriend... ANd
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Secondly; Ive gotten the music studio up to speed with the outside world;and Im creating music again and its for the purpose of performing; and thus I get things set up correctly and go perform my music at places with my equipment; written music and such. Or what ever!
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To have these 2 areas up to speed; that is the goal.
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The hardest thing about relationships; getting back involved; all the other relationships where I let others down and moved on; It freaks me out that Im leaving them; abandoning them. And just leaving things undone; when secretly I wanted do badly to take care of them; but God is telling me to move forward and trust God and work at this again under Gods care. And so I will. And this is the hardest part; and the second hardest part; I had no character to take care of the first person; am I going to repeat this again; Dear God help me; help me so I dont attack at that moment of her vulnerability and abandon her to get back at the world for what it has done to me; I mean; thats what happened before and before that... So; This kind of cheap habitual offender behavior has to stop and be stopped completely if im going to be in another relationship; Ill keep working with God on this.
The idea is I get good or solid or responsable at the idea of relationships ( what goes on in relationships). Get to the frequency and work with God...
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Going beyond my first love; So it begins
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The universe is now taking me beyond my first love concepts.
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More n more empowered; Im looking back at my (first love )and in my imagination Im literally pushing and physically pushing her and pushing her and pushing her out of the picture physically; not letting her get into it at all; if I see her in my imagination; I walk up and start pushing and pushing and pushing her out; physically over n over n over.. I do this more n more everytime I see her in my mind trying to get close or intimate with me;
Its not true; its fake; she was never my friend; she was faking trying to get intimate with me; she was trying to lead me on; con me and fool me for the fun of it; for the quick thrill of it; for the kicks of it; nothing more; using people; simply because she thought I ( a stranger) was disposable goods for the moment ( I meant nothing to her; she thought it a thrill she could get away with). I value myself; that didnt mean others do! And thier is my narcissistic ego! That's where it hits home; pure relentless fantasy on my part ( I think others will automatically value me. I have to wake up; Others do not see me as I see myself; they must be proven first before they are let into my circle. And thus they must see my value first in order for this to happen. This First Love person; did not see any value in me at all; She lied! She was a liar! And their it is. And thats all she was...
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GOING BEYOND MY FIRST LOVE: HEALING THROUGH GOD/UNIVERSE AND MOVING FORWARD OVER THIS AND BEYOND>>>
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So; Ive gotten as far as looking into imagining steps going beyond my First Love; However, I got hit with something. Since I always saw her as my wife; I realized; " My God"; Ive never allowed myself to go beyond her as a wife. I mean; Ive never gone beyond that wall ( thinking of some one else as my wife). And I thought; My GOd; Ive got to work with GOd and my imagination to go beyond that wall. To go past that point; To go past that point and the intruding memories that will pop up when I try to go beyond that point) to a place where the air opens up into a new open-feeling-outlook; as if I had never been hurt before; and Im heading down the right direction and things are great and I meet someone and we hook up and go from there in a positive nature... moving forward; and Im back again and I allow myself the ability to imagine being married to someone else; someone new... And Ill work with this in my imagination and with God. And under Gods care; because this is where it happens.
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My First Love; its as if she is in a grave yard buried and its been controlling me most of my life. And now the universe has shown me a new way! So; Ill be practicing in my imagination.
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SO: WHAT IS GOING ON HERE RIGHT NOW?
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From a distance; it looks like Im getting my original life back but I have to make adjustments because the original people I had support from are not around anymore; Ill have to ask God for new support.
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So; Im getting it; and Im just in the pre beginning of things... Before it starts; before God brings me online; but Im getting glimpses; And the first thing I remember is when young; And yet; I don't have any of the same support I had when young. So; Ill have to think and feel in good ways as if Im getting that support again; and always on my knees to GOd; " Thank you GOd" " Your will GOd not mine"; all day long; amen... Meditation... writing new stories about my new life as if I all ready have what I wanted. Keep it up until my subconscious believes I all ready have it. And then it will be brought to me; it will slide over into my pathway and Ill just reach out and grab it!
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Im looking to create trust in myself and attract the concept of trust; I want to attract my own trust back to me; and that is a very social thing.
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. \HANDLING MATURITY
Im scared to death. Im scared I will date someone and when things go wrong Ill handle it like I handled things at 12 years old when being abused. So; if I fall off the bandwagon; How will I handle things; the maturity of things.
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God told me I might just become really good at dealing with problems in relationships; I might become the go-to guy on how to handle them. What does this mean; it means I learn very well how to handle many situations in relationships and I become the responsable guy; Ill pray about it; I mean; I'm not sure I want to become good at this; Im scared Ill go through so much pain Ill die away first. But; I get it; I mean; that's kind of what happens; I was without maturity when young and now Im wanting to learn about maturity in relationships on how to handle relationship problems...
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These relationship things are just ideas; I think they come from the universe; Ill talk to God about it; pray about it; because it may be Gods way of saving me and getting me back into relationships where Gods got me covered. Lots of things go wrong in relationships; differences; sometimes people commit adulatory on a person where one does not expect it; How do I handle that? What's the best way to handle not having enough money; What if the other person has kids; should I even bother being involved considering my PTSD background. There's allot of things. What about disrespect; How far do I go because the person Im with is shallow.. or not deep enough. When do I put my foot down and say enough is enough; and then what; do I stop the relationship and walk out; or work with the person or.....
I have allot of confusion concerning relationships.
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When do I just go find someone new and get out of what Im involved in.
NOTE: Ill pray everyday..
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Today I have a higher power; I have recovery groups and people to talk to; certainly I have books on relationships and counselors and such. So....
Ive got some support.
Ive been horribly disfigured by people from the past; how do I handle that and get into relationships.. Ive been horridly hurt; Maybe Ill never get into relationships again; Ill talk to my higher power about it; I think the voice Im getting from the universe is; Im to learn how to be an expert on dealing with the fallouts that occur in relationships and finding out how to properly handle them... That is something Ill get good at... Learning not to take things personal but accept the varied problems I can get into in a relationship; learn to accept them first. So; it looks like GOd wants me back in relationships... Mr Responsable relationship'r.
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Ill be on my knees about all things relationship from my past to the present and work through dysfunctions from the past and present before I start.
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One problem I had when young; I wanted and needed parientle support. I needed decent loyal friends on my side. I mean; I spent years alone after being destroyed by other people. I was led on by people thinking I had real friends; nothing could have been further from the truth. So; what do I do; I talk to God about real friendships; people that can supply real friendships; honorable friendships. that comes from God..
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So; Ill get their. its happening; Ill have to start writing about relationships; what it will require and how god is helping me develop in relationships and what I need to do; how I can be in relationships without any expectations. And if things fall apart; how can I not fall apart with them. I can see this relationship thing growing into a new perspective. This hurts just writing about it; Ill start working on it in my imagination.
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Music;
I have to be carefull and really pray about what I'm suppose to do. the problem is; I can end up buying equipment after equipment after equipment because the marketing on the equipment makes things all sound so specific and specialized for each item.
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The goal would be; one keyboard and one computer... I have to watch it! Ill pray about all of this..
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FAT; Not sure yet; its a major problem. I wont even bother exercising until I work with God on the idea my diet changes... Im over the resentments Im covering to stay fat...
Our partner
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