August 2025
July 2025
Lets Talk about First Love;
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The universe is moving me forward. She is the last resentment based person Im dealing with and the universe continues to give me answers and moves me forward; Ill try to explain where Im at and how the universe is helping me.
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1. Did I really care who this was? No! Or did I need her help? Yes!
I needed her body; I didnt care who she was; In fact Im not sure I ever cared who she was or if I ever saw her again; she was a stranger to me; but I wanted her body; What did I want her body for? I wanted her body to become my companion and help me develop. It was developing further that I needed and was so hungry for. I needed a friend for this and someone sent by God to take me to the next level. A companion.
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2. Was she this person sent from God? NO! In my opinion; No! God did not send this person to me to be a helper! I made a big mistake...I made a big mistake ending up at her house. I ended up at the wrong house hold. I ended up at a random house hold; Why I thought that specific moment in time with that specific person Is when I was suppose to jump; I dont know? I jumped the Gun! I didnt know better and i didnt know worse; I was not in safe surroundings and I didnt realize that yet! I made a big mistake. I half way got out of that situation rather quickly when the truth began to ring down on me; This was not the right person for me; nor the right kind of person for me to associate with; With was dangerous; Something was way off way wrong here.
unfortunately; I had been coerced inward; Played; manipulated... I didnt even know it; it was happening from the very first... I was not watching out for that kind of thing; it just never occured to me.
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3. Was this person a friend of mine; NO!
Was this person interested in me NO!
Was this person attracted to me NO!
Did this person want any kind of relationship with me; NO!
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4. What was this person doing around me? Playing me like a card game for the fun of it; nothing more?
5. Why or how did I end up around this person? Someone came to my house that knew my older brother. They were high or stoned; and asked me to go with them to my brothers friends house; they just kind of randomly asked me to go.. I wasnt doing anything and I said yes. My brothers friend said he had a sister my age and I could meet her...
I had made a mistake going with them; They were stoned; no one told his sister we were coming and his sister never said anything about wanting to meet anyone... So; This was one of those mistakes... a place I should have never gone with people who were liars and stoned and had no best interests of mine... When I got there I should have just observed and went home; never gotten involved. THese were bad people. And I was 2 innocent to understand what was going on; How I was going to be manipulated and played....
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SO; WHERE AM I AT NOW!
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Well; Im back; Im back at the beginning of where I was at before I met my First Love; or fake false fraud based First Love. Nothing there! I didnt know that! I had to be dragged thrown the streets of humiliation because I was finally able to understand I got played by a family full of pathological liars that collected and racked-up the way some people collect pay checks.
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So; Here I am now; God has allowed me to go back before I was ever invited to this persons home...
So; here I am; and in the recovery process Im almost able or ready to be able to practice development in my imagination and then Im just ready to learn how to go out into the streets and put it into action... bring it all together again as I did when I was a little kid.
Its like breaking out of de-realization.
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And this is what Ive been waiting for; working for... This is what Ive been working with the universe for; for a long time.
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Its showing up in my music area. my music area is starting to come about; its starting to take shape and strange good things are coming together as if the universe is behind all of this... After it comes together more; Ill start writing again and being much more present. And that has been somewhat fixed this time; for I know Im writing to perform and that will take a specific look to it. ITs like getting my childhood back... I will say; Im feeling and seeing that childhood again and that was closed off to me for a very long time because it was to much of a loss and to painful because of something I could never return to; but then I wasnt working with the universe; THe universe can do anything.
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As for relationships; YES! Im learning now how to go back outside into the world again. Its very short and slow right now; its very disabled. But the universe is allowing me to be at that place again; open to going after what I want in the real world again. Taking footsteps out in the real world; ( leaving people like this false first love behind; moving on); thats where Im headed and with out resentments for the past ( to a general point; Im not done with my first love yet; haven't moved on yet; I have but not completely; I still have deeper resentments but the universe more n more is bringing about understanding of that situation); that is the goal. Its almost being! I dont have allot of resentment left; but I do but I dont for my First Love; its slowly giving way as the universe takes me to new thoughts on how to handle that situation and move beyond it. And be able solidly to move into new situations.
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THe most important entanglement dealing with that family that person my first love; ( a family of pathological liars); they tried to trip me up; that was their goal for knowing me; playing me into a hole where I would get lost and confused and then leaving me there helpless. That was the goal. Its a kind of behavior from spoiled rich kid sociopaths opportunists that will do something if they think they can get away with it; and they think there money will allow them to get away with anything! That was this girls only goal with me; She was bored so she played me into a circle I could not get out of. They are liars and monsters... deceivers. Their only goal in life is to deceive people. They have no concept of right and wrong and if they did they dont care... they get whatever they want pathologically.
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In the here n now!
So; Now; the universe has got me at ground level; This means I can practice development within my imagination; practice taking steps forward and back over n over n over to a destination ever getting stronger within my personality.
At some point getting strong enough to actually step outside and take new action... And thats where Im headed now; I can see the outside in my imagination and I can see myself taking some action and that is a beautiful thing.
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I get to start over physically in the real world and it is upon me now. Its still de realization... but not really. Its easily backable; to break through and go outside and function again; totally possible now to practice enough to start making waves outside...
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That means No more past. It means Im creating new; right now in the present; thats what Ive been looking forward to for a long time.
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So; Im excited. But the real work is in getting that fake first love out of me; getting any feelings for that person out of me; getting the truth that this was just a player playing people; she probably didnt even know my name; I was just another object being played on a saturday morning. I had no value to her...
Why I thought I did is beyond my scope of stupidity and sanity... So; I have to keep working with the universe on why I would think a perfect stranger took notice of me when she never took notice of me. I want the universe to help me with this and snap out of my insanity!
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So; my life is coming back......
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