July 2025
June 2025
Im at this place; What is the right thing to do? I dont know; I never seem to know.
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I can trace back where I was criticized all the time; that's all it was; and having no attention for who I am; nothing; completely abandon even minus that and minus what I didnt have! Horror!~
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I never follow through. It got to the point; that I refused to do anything. I had no belief in anything in the outside world anymore; The problem is; no living; it was like being bull constricted. I had nothing; thus; no reason to live; but a great reason to die.
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The problem is; Im not interested in dying; I want to live; but I have the same personality and mentality as before. What do I do now?
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What decision do I make. I have feelings for either..
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I wanted to die when young; had no problem with it; had the behavior to go with it... all leading me to death. Death; please come quickly and take me and get me off of this retarted planted and its retarded scumbag people. Get me out of here God.. Please!
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Now; I want to live; But I have the same attitudes of when I wanted to die; And Im totally confused because those attitudes dont work anymore. They dont work for the land of the living. How do I believe so much Im willing to tolerate the world the way it is. How do I believe so much I have a life I believe in and a world I believe in again... How!
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NOTE: I have 2 sets of values; both appear to keep me alive from the other in the outside world but both are opposite of each other. I push away one obstacle only to find myself without any obstacles I need.
I fight to keep an object only to find the object is rebellious and against all the laws that keep anything safe... So; I must get rid of the object; THe object of my desire?
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NOTE; As I was writing about an object just now; I thought came to me; if the object is bad; Get rid of it; let God replace it with a good one. Stop keeping the bad object; if it lowers the standard dump it. God will bring another and replace it.
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However, What If I love from my heart the object; And God is telling me right now to get on my knees and pray about it; to make sure Im in love with the right object; Aligned right with GOd Universe. I might have the wrong object to start with; ( IF its the wrong object; God didnt bring it); What about my set of standards; I may have dropped my standards so far; What does this mean;
it means its not safe; the road Im taking; It means the standard is so low that no person or place or thing is going to be right for me; its all to low.
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Example;
If Im shopping at the gray area street mall of thieves; the standard is so low; I may not find the standards Im looking for. Did God send me to this mall of thieves? Did I pray and ask and find out. Well; I can feel it; Its like; If I loved myself? What would that look like. Would I be shopping at the mall of thieves; I doubt it; Just saying; trying to make a point.
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If I loved myself; who would I date; what would I be driving; would I be driving at all; where would I live and in what kind of mobile dwelling. Who would I know and associate with? If I loved myself.
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NOTE: If I loved myself would I decide to get some help getting off the broken train tracks and getting help to jump ship to get on the solid aligned train tracks of another station... Im just say'n; I got knocked off the beer wagon long ago and started down the wrong path; I ended up reinforcing that wrong lost path with my rebellious behavior and reacting's; soon I completely lost myself and my humanity; God became non existent.
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Ive found Ive fallen in love with all the wrong people and places and things and claimed God was behind it; but that just cant be...
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Ive liked( enjoyed) playing God and manipulating God. I did manipulate people but I didnt really like myself or like it. I thought; What's the use; I have no choice anymore... I dont live in the land of the living anymore. I never wanted to manipulate anyone; I still dont want to! but a negative deep hatred filled part of me wants to.. a real debased part of me loves it... loves it debased.
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I never stand up for anything or try anything or sacrifice for anything. I gave up along time ago) I dont do anything; Im lazy. If I have cereal; I wont bike to the store to get milk... Instead; Ill use water even tho I want milk.
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Examples of messed up behavior Im trying to work on so I understand right from wrong in the real world.
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How do I live; what do I believe in. Im so used to be in control; and that means out of control because Im using a very limited broken immature personality . Im being asked to let God control and I just watch; Did this happen when I was a boy and I was abandoned and destroyed.
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Trusting God got me killed when I was young. How do I trust God now! Why?
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So; Im stuck between a rock and a hard place!
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Im not sure how to trust God...
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Ive loved; and those things I loved were wrong and in the wrong? So; what I loved was not God... But I thought I was following God; or my heart had God in it and I was going toward God! but I wasnt; it was evil I came across. So; my directional ability was wrong; mixed up; wacked out!
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Im trying to believe again? I guess? is that what Im suppose to do!
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Here is another example of this dilemma;
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I have this old piano. I love it; but it serves no purpose! And the whole point of the piano is to serve a purpose. I could get it working in some capacity; it would cost; it wouldn't be cheap. The keys are to loud for my apartment. I could have someone work on it; but that seems silly; with the money it would cost to be worked on; I could go out and buy a new electronic synth. So; maybe thats what I should do. But It seems I dont fight for what I love. If I loved this synth; Id fix it up and fight for it and use it; but I dont; I feel like Im being pulled into a trap if I fix it up and use it... I feel like Im abandoning the purpose and freedom of life to love something and its cost... How can I win. Ill get on my knees and take it to God. .
NOTE; Right Now; Everything gets taken to God on my knees because I dont know anything...
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Do I fix the old piano or buy a new one... even if I love the old one.
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Ive never really loved something and thought it a worth while endeavor to love; it seems like it got me killed numerous times in life to love anything. It got me hooked into trixters that fooled me into allowing me to think they liked me or I had a chance with them when I didnt. And I was played to death... Thats what love got me. So I dont love anything.
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I can just as easily buy something new that would take its place; for its fundamental purposes. And it seems thats what I should do.
but I never really gave this piano keyboard synth a chance.
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What should I do?
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So I get on my knees to God and pray....
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I dont have very good follow through ability. Maybe Ill start writing stories of being able to make decisions.
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What is my purpose with this piano keyboard; is it to like it or have something usable. And that brings up a good point. Im adding emotions where they are not needed...
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I dont know?
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I guess I would love to fix something up and really believe in the idea of it.. .and really believe in having something I love and keep it; fighting for it and fixing it up; But I cant or dont or wont; and its got me in a dilemma.
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I did this with women. I loved women but Got tired of their spoiled nature or behavior and dumped them... They seemed Godless... I just walked away... Heart broken and confused. If I didnt come from the right neighborhood; I was overlooked. If I didnt come from any neighborhood I was shoot at and hated... No one really shot at me; but Im making the point!
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So; Im to assume I loved the wrong person from my heart. I dont want to love Godless people. I want God to love Godless people. I just want to be safe! God is not asking me to get into intimate relationships with Godless people... Ill have to work with God to get into relationships with God filled people; at least God is there base...
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The idea of working on something that doesnt have a purpose in my life seems ludicrous.
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I am getting a message from God. The message is; Gods world and mine are 2 different beings; 2 different worlds all dressed up differently.
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When asking God about the keyboard; God tells me to get rid of it; it was no good to start with. Instead; by a new one... Im fooling myself concerning the old one; Im having delusional fantasies about it; Im trying to make it out to be this nostalgia love letter when all it is is an old piece of junk.
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So; I know one thing; with enough meditation and prayer; God has an answer; God has the answer; I have to get used to working with God to and staying with God as God gets me the answers.. and wait with gladness; Gladness in my heart.
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Ill keep praying about the synth piano keyboard I have; Ill keep praying about it; until I feel secure that God is giving me an answer. or the answer!
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SO; working with the universe means I put the universe completely first above all things; Its like working with a Father I turn to first for all things; and wait upon my Father because of complete faith; its my honor to do so; its more like; excitement to see what God is going to bring me because Im a special; so I get what ever I want; what ever I ask for but I have to bow down to my higher power and ask... and wait upon the universe... And that is the standard... and thats the way it is; those are the values...
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So; I keep turning to God to learn to trust God; learn how to have faith.
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God is the manifestation Im looking for; a relationship with GOd...
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Im looking to believe God and work with God completely
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