July 2025
June 2025
This is very interesting;
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Im now at the point of Discarding the ghost images of my First Love; Meaning; she has to go! Her presence within me is no longer needed or wanted... She is more then an image; she is a formidable presents; almost another personality with control over my brain; My nervous subconscious is using this image as a front to continue to keep me down; keep my brain at a specific equilibrium; And this equilibrium is keeping me from growing and becoming the new person I need to be; its almost as if her image is that of watch dog to keep me inline. NOT ANYMORE MORE!
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Im using techniques in my imagination of getting rid of her created personality within my mind; pinning her ghost in my imagination; locking her up; grabbing the cage this female ghost is set forth in that I have her trapped; picking up the cage and throwing it out the window into the ocean below. This is all in my imagination... And it sinks and she is gone( this ghost image has been thrown out) within my dreams. More n more; when she pops into my conscious mind up close and personal; its like; right when I need someone intimately; Her ghost pops into my conscious mind; I hundred daggers come from under my skin outward; they all stab her like middle century torture device nightmare; Being stuck; I pick all of her up; I smash her around the room and with rope tied to one end; I heave her upward into the sky where a football field in length later she is swallowed up by the ocean at which she sinks and suddenly its silenced for ever. She is gone. And I do this every time I see her presence in my mind. When codependency comes into my mind. Everytime; Ill do this for a long long time; bashing and smashing and throwing her into the sea until my subconscious understands I dont need her anymore; I dont need this image for co dependency to survive anymore; Im creating a new life and my nervous system and mind and subconscious need to get inline with my new goals.. I am forcing the situation. I am becoming the master of my own thinking co creating with God!
NOTE: she( her ghost presence in my nervous system and mind) seems to represent within my mind; my psychopathic mother; sexual abusing child molesting relative I had to live with; My best friends mother when growing up; all evil! She represent them to keep me down; their wishes to see me as a nothing human being...
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It seems my subconscious is bringing her into my present mind overtime.
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I want to create a new thought or go after a new relationship concept or do something good for myself; Her image shows up to manipulate or bully or intimidate to keep me back down; make me back down and stay in my place out of fear... Shas like a little minion set up from my subconscious to have power over me; she is like a bully controlling me.
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I see dragons picking her up with their teeth and tossing her into the ocean where she sink under the water and is gone... for ever; Amen; Goodbye... The dragon is me or my pet! And its on my side to protect me and my new way of thinking.
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Protecting myself with armor;
And I do this in many scenarios... I do this because I see her right up next to me when I wake up; I see her in my imagination right up close intimidating me; almost like a sexual abuser would be to close physically... and thus the knives from my body spring forth and run right through her! and lock her up... because she is so close she is trapping me...Now; Im trapping her; but she is literally dominating me. And thus the muscle and powerful slamming sledge hammer like arms smash through all areas of her into the walls behind her; And over n over n over this fight goes on; until finally I pin her down with a thousand rods going through her; I block her up in a cage tight and locked up; and I go throw this First Love ghost off a cliff into the sea; never to be seen again. ANd I watch the last bubbles come from the water; the ocean area she is sinking in; and soon the surface of the water is smooth and this female controller of my thoughts is gone and no more... And I do this all day long fighting her off; fighting her image off that shows up in my room and my mind; Im battling my nervous system to stop creating holograms of her. I battling my way into a new way of thinking.
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Im punching and kicking and smashing and running giant bolder like fists through her; like 15 at once; the fists lock up on the other side of the room as they go through her... She is turned to clay! and now I discard her; I imagine a cage forming around her as she is completely locked away or locked in the cage; That ghost cant move; she has rods running through her from every angle; I pick up the cage and throw it out the window into the world below where I will never see her again.
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DISCARDMENT:
What is really happening? Discardment; I am discarding her memory and presence within every aspect of my body and mind and nervous system.. Im getting out the poison. Im taking back my mind.
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This means; I have to have a different view of her now. When I look back; when I knew her; I have see hate for her or be so disgusted by the thought of her that I want nothing to do with here; not one ounce of interest; I want her gone. And thats where Im finally at.
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NOTE; Nothing wrong with hating the memories of her or being disgusted by her; She never liked me; She felt nothing for me; She nothing in me; She was a perfect stranger; that's what the evidence suggests; She was a stranger who had no value for me and no interest in me; never wanted to see me again because she never wanted to meet me in the first place. Its not personal; my side of things now. Its more like balancing things out correctly. I made a mistake when young and found myself at the wrong address. I met the wrong people; This sociopath was one of them; anyone could have made this mistake; not just me! However, its my job to work with God to correct things; back track; take all my feelings back; turn around; put up defenses and boundaries and work my way out of or away from this the memories or thoughts of this person; These thoughts I have of her are not true; They are false. She was never a friend of mine; she never liked me; She never wanted me or wanted me around her or asked to be around me or for me to be around her; That was all on me! She was a stranger that wanted nothing to do with me and never in her life did she plan on expect to meet me or someone like me. IT was a big mistake that needs correction. Im now trying to correct it so she is no longer in my nervous system.
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So; whats it like to have loved someone and find out I was faked out; And have to turn that whole emotional cycle around; completely dishone my own love; re tract it; take it back; And then re evaluate the same person as a criminal who is not safe; and then sentence them to leaving and never returning with no feeling on my part; I have to completely change gears and see the person as a negative to me nad a menace to society who is dangerous and will never be in my space ever again. I see the person as disgusting... And would not wont some sycophant like this anywhere near me again ever.
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Think of a kind normal moral daughter who finds out her father is a Serial Killer... How does she respond when she finds out her father killed 50 people including children. Ive watched youtube vids on this and the daughter wants nothing to do with her father ever again; her view of her father is a state of horrified and disgust... She no longer considers herself part of that family system anymore and leaves completely separated from the idea of having any ties with a murder'r. ITs the same for me; The same kind of discovery concerning my first love. Now that I know what she is; I dont want anything to do with her ever again; even tho shes been gone for more then half my life. I know see this witch for what she is or was!
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And that is whats happening; and it has to be complete. So; this is not an easy ride but its happening. I have whitewash myself from her completely; thoroughly; 110%; get rid of any trace; she was like a cancer in me; All the cancer has to go!!
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is truly a miracle to be at this level of strength and fight back. Im working with the universe on this... Im not alone...
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Its not easy; A mistake was made when young; I simply opened up to the wrong people; the wrong house hold and the wrong person and didnt know better... ANd now im getting rid of her(ghost)! Im getting rid of her image in my personality mind soul.
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Ive been codependent on memories of her and others; its a dissociative survival thing. Now; they must go if I am to work with a higher power to build a new life..
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