July 2025
June 2025
New information as I work through the final processes? of breaking out from my first love.
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My O My; THings are making more sense but its still sad...
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When I was in High School;
So; Some how; my first love represents a thorough trauma bond; I believe she; ( who ever she was); represented a continuation of the rapist molester personality of a relative I had to live with for several years before from ages 10-13. She was a continuation of that personality in a teenage young women... I was trauma bonded to her exactly as I was to the sexual abuser... I was scared to death; I was in a freeze dissociated fright condition and much worse.
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I was going from that relatives house into my mothers new house with her new husband; another one. And thus up to that girls house.
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As I think of that girl now; I see someone I wanted to escape from who I was made sick from and freighted of; I was frightened because she was a sociopath/psychopath. I was triggered horribly; I certainly was not scared or anything of a girl; its not like that... I was reliving the trauma or continuing it from previous places I was abused. I was relieving it because this girl was a crude form of a human being and I remember being near her or with her but not doing anything with her; I did not make a pass at her or move forward with her; I refused but it was as if I was stuck in her house; going to her house and hanging out with her. This sounds exactly like the house I was in when I was being sexually harassed and chased and abused controlled like an animal. This girl was the same kind of person and I responded by going into the trauma bond mode. This would explain why I continued to be around this female sociopathic monster.
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Breaking out; Fighting back in my imagination;
In my mind I see myself boxing myself out of these intruders; this includes many people from the past including this girl. When I see them in memory I start boxing them physically in my imagination; Like Im fist fighting them to get away from them; And its working.
So; How do I feel about the girl now as Ive boxed her out of existence in my mind over n over to get away from her; I feel great; I feel much better; empowered; But most importantly I feel a very strange thing. I feel a freedom from someone that feels like they kidnapped me and held me under a trauma bond.. ; Like I was under fear of leaving! I like; I couldn't leave out of fear of loss. Id lose the breadcrumbs she was giving me. I was under the same control by her I was from the relative that was sexually abusing and controlling me. I was stunned in a state of paralysis; it was like I was in a prison camp. She had that kind of control over me because; I fell for her; right at first; I fell for her; And that was the power tactic she used against me; All things relational were maneuvered groomed and where weaponized against me.
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As I box my way out away from her influence in my mind; I feel nothing for her! I feel Like I was around a sicko loser but I could not disclose my feelings or face them; I had to swallow them; hide from them.
NOTE: As I move beyond this person; as its proven no real relationship ever existed and no real connected ever existed and the other party felt nothing for me; and could never... I look at how I felt; and I feel like I was dealing with a stranger through looking at her through a window randomly; As it feels like I never knew who this stranger was. And Now I learn to leave the same way from the same position; And its harder then it looks. Ill have to emotionally leave; and with Gods help that can be done.
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I realize; what Im fighting against is; the ritual abuse I experienced as a small child between 1-5. I see myself boxing my way out of and away from these people; they are much taller then I am and Im having to reach upward to box them... Over n over in my imagination.
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This all makes perfect sense to me as of what is going on here and what was going on here from the past.
She represents someone who tricked me; I fell for her and thus she had control of me! And that control was all she was looking for; to find a victim to control; It was all a game for a sicko monster like this... She was a kind of like someone taking someone hostage...
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As soon as I started breaking away from her in my mind; I started to feel absolutely nothing for her but fear! And a repulsion to get rid of her out of my personal life as fast as possible. IT will be a long while until I can confront my memories and information of her to a point i can stand up to those memories and the people in them; and fight my away out of there.. defeating them and getting rid of them out of my memories and nervous system... I dissociate when I attempt to go to far as of yet!
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Its like Im a 5 year old fighting adults...
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Again; what shocks me is my true feelings of having nothing but disgust for this person; I think I felt that way all along right after the beginning of association with this person. At first everything was Ok; but not to long into it she began to break human rules; basic rules; slightly; not to much; just little by little. And I think I started to get concerned and sick to my stomach. And finally found myself in a no win situation where it was more like I had become trapped by an abuser I did not know was an abuser. This is much like or exactly like the situation I lived in before I met her when I was being sexually preditorized.
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I see her as no different then a sexual predator; She seems to be the same thing kind of; the same kind of control and in human treatment of others.. Like someone wanting to put someone in a cage and play games with them. Games of power and control to the demise of the person who cant escape; That's what it was like.
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Technically I had fallen into that position with her because I had fallen for her in the beginning when non of this stuff was present.
This is how my mother treated me. Same thing... So. It was another continuation. I remember how sick I felt when I began to see the facts; the undeniable truth of evidence of psychopathy! I remember how confused I felt being around this person all the time and how broke and now defeated because their was no future with this person; I had been made a fool of and much worse... I had been fooled for 1 1/2 years and then 2/3rd of my life destroyed from many things; this being a good chunk of it; And if I had never entered the recovery process; I would have been trapped under this trauma for life; thus my life murdered in many ways; completely; This was a murder'r with no regard for human life or human beings... I wished I had known. I was just looking for a nice girl up the street to have as a real friend that would lead to something greater; That certainly is not what happend.
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Ill continue to fight my way out. And it seems to be working; Im wanting out; Im wanting them gone; any and all the represent this women and any other people like her who were damaging me in my life on purpose; those taking advantage of me on purpose; I want them gone; never to return.
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It was like being taken hostage...
I feel nothing but animosity and hatred... as I work to make them go! Maybe for this girl; thats all I ever really felt and just wanted to run away but I was trauma bonded and cant.
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So; as those memories crop up; I start fist fighting anyone in that picture; I keep fist fighting until they are overwhelmed after time and start getting bounced off walls and out the doors; all in my imagination; And its working; Im taking my power back and my life and my mind space; its my nervous system and my mind; Im not giving it away to any different kinds of rapists Ive been subject to anymore... not going to get inline with them out of intimidation.
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I was horribly intimidated from her control because the leverage was; she would leave. I didn't know her well enough and she could leave me; thats what she was using against me. Or controlling me with. I was so young! I mean. I didnt even know what was going on. And I was so confused from the beginning; always in a state of confusion with this person.
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So; as I box my way back to mental health and take my mind back to clear it out; I can see the beginning of freedom for meeting new people; learning about real relationships; emotionally speaking.
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I was attracting lots of people through the years but was emotionally unavailable to participate. And it was frustrating and perplexing on what to do about it. So; I've been working with my higher power God on it for a long time; and I'm getting some results.
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Im looking forward to being free of these monsters from the past so I can learn to trust again in the present...
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I thought I had someone where my inner child and their inner child matched and met up; and the idea was soulmate best friend interaction. This was assumed because of this women's behavior toward me. Her behavior gave me no signs she was anything other then her inner real self connecting with my inner real self. I had no reason to think anything else.. No signs to my feelings that anything else was going on then my inner child connecting at the same level has hers; connection with her.
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In realty; Nothing could have been further from the truth. I believe she had no inner child. No soul; nothing.
I believe it was all contrived. That means she played me to the point of believing so I would let my guard down; let my inner child out to connect with hers; she play acted the fake role of having an inner child to connect with. In reality; I was connecting with nothing; I was connecting with Satan; I was connecting with a Jackal.
And this is the hardest part and the core issue of all this.. There was no connection here... So; this was just an offender personality playing someone in the community... But its at the level of raping someone. Fair enough; Its not good; any of this; Murders go on and other bad things in the world; the world has perpetrators. This has been the hardest thing to get over; but Im getting their...
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PROBLEM;
How do I ever feel safe ever again.. How do I feel safe ever again around anyone. How do I feel safe taking a chance with intimacy; when I dont even know who is going to use it as a weapon against me.
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Fair enough; Not all people are sociopaths; Fair enough.
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So; As I heal up and go back out into society; Ill work with God; and work on how to have real relationships again. Ill let God bring me the people under GOd; under the safety of GOd... No other.
If things do go wrong. How will I handle it. My goal is to understand things will go wrong problems will arise. And I may have to fold'm and walk away or walk out.
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Is a horrible shame this happened to me... And I did not find a wife when young; instead I found a perpetrator pretending to be a wife material for the soul purpose of seeing if they could get away with fooling someone; how far they could take it for laughs.. thats all it was; but then this is an ASPD individual.
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2 huge mistakes I made with this person;
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1. "I was a chosen one"; I was their pick they had been waiting for..." Im the one"; the only true one for them..." And I was totally safe and secure; they would never leave me or ever think of picking someone else... The first false concept!
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2. I had an intimate soul to soul; inner child connection where the universe brought us together; soulmate connection... No true; false. No connection...
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Ive presently learned how and why the Narcissist creates this fake ( "Your my pick; your the one for me"); routine; They are frauds trying to hook someone in. Once hooked in; the narcissist has their reasons to then start slowly destroying the person. THe key here is; " Narcissist"; They are actually extremely mentally deranged people and can never have safe relationships with anyone! If I end up around one; its important to run away as fast as possible. They are manipulating; thats all this is...
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As for soul to soul inner child connection; I cant have an inner connection with a sociopath or narcissist. So the goal would be to find out first whom Im with; I mean; its that simple. No expectation... no acceptions...
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Can I have a relationship with a regular normal person; I believe so... Ill work with God on this and see what happens.
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Not everyone is a sociopath or narcissist. Its easy to get jaded; However, In my case the facts can indicate that if Im not willing to find out who I deal with; Im setting myself up for possible problems.
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NOTE; Can we just be good friends and take it further; do i have to do this inner deep soulmate best friend thing. I dont know; Ill ask God and see what the safest route is for me that God will bring me.
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My whole life was plagued with sociopaths and narcissists and some psychopath.. Or psychopathy. Family systems full of it. And unfortunately at very young ages i went forth to find friends and uncannily I found people just like my parents; Sociopath narcissist; psychopath; predatorial who groomed me and looked normal when I met them.
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So; can I start over; yes; Im all ready starting over.
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So; I have much to learn about relationships to stay clear of trying to be the savior of the broken sociopath.
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I know Im done with that; My GOD>
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So; How do I move forward with normal folks? That will be the next journey!
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MUSIC CREATION: Hows it going?
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Its actually going now; slowly; Ive done a few basic simple projects Im working on; so it slowly pickin up again; Im now creating again! For how long; I have no idea if this will be a solid venture right now...
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