July 2025
June 2025
Im getting better; what ever that means. I guess it means Im getting through the PTSD of several issues of the past; the dissociative disorder... Its not perfect; but Im getting better. Im still not well. Ill continue to work on all this so that I can be more present... I guess all this means is Im becoming more aware...
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NOTE: One goal is to get out of those meetings. Get better and quietly leave and get better... and at some point; if better; and slowly leave.
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As Ive dealt with the past and continue to do so; a new reality begins; its the same reality I experienced in the conclusion when young. Im beginning to view my First Love as I now view everyone else. I perpetrator I unfortunately ran into while in a deep state of PTSD/Dissociative disorder; and Some drug use..
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Im beginning to see what may have really happened here.
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My First Love was nothing more then someone's house I ran to when young to get away from the lack of love at the house I was at. I had been doing this from the beginning of my life; This was not the first time.
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This persons house; this person was not a nice person; but I was so mentally ill; I created a complete fake persona for the person. I created them into a nice female person when in reality they may have had a personality more similar to the sexual abuser I had just gotten away from by leaving my home town. Looking back on it; I was completely out of touch with reality; psychotic and delusional; I could not function at all in the school system; no one cared; No one Bothered.. it had been trauma and mind damage...
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I could not function.
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I was going up the street to this girls house to relief. Their is a very good chance she is nothing but a predator herself. A lifeless shell-less sociopathic type; mean; spoiled entitled; stuck up. I was so mentally ill and out of it; I didnt care. I seemed to be living as if it was 10 years before.
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As I look back; I was just hanging out or around there. I didnt really connect with her.. I thought I did; but I never really did. I mean; She was a mean person; not sensitive but I made her out to be sensitive. I made her out to be allot of things. In reality; I was relieving my childhood; I was in a state of PTSD all the time reliving everything from where and when I was thrown away. I was very ill; I had been sexual asualted and harrased and abused for a few years with no escape from the house I had to live in with new relatives.
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I do not think this girl was a nice girl. I think she was a callas mean human being; insensitive.. I truly meant nothing to her; I was a stranger who showd up several times to her house; and thats as far as the depth involved.
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So; I made her out to be this person like my childhood. In reality she was a more evil person I think... I dont think she cared or even thought about me for any reason. She was a stranger I was visiting more then anything else. I did not interact all that much while around her. I did a little. But I clammed up or shied away and stayed within my shell. I was mentally ill.
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I think I was dissociatively reliving the past completely. As I wake up now; she is looking more n more like any other stranger that I met that I may have tried to hang out with; it went nowhere; They were mean people; they were user types of others. I was so delusional. found myself around stranger.
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I was not mentally home. I was really far gone mentally. Im now beginning to remember what it was like being around this person; and I dont see any memories of someone nice. All I see is that Im hanging out at their home. Her parents home who live up the street from me; nothing much else is really going on. Im not responding to her or anyone else. Its more like Ive got to go somewhere I can escape.. So; I end up creating a personality of a nice person who needs me and I attach it to her; THis is done because Im so delusional and not able to be in reality. The actual person in reality; the actual girl in reality is a very crude callas person. This was not safe for me; not at all. But im so delusional. And Im in another kind of strange state where I dont really care what happens to me.
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As I write it still sounds like Im in a state of control. I was not; I was much worse then Im writing about it; I was beyond desperate and so mentally ill. I was so dissociated from reality. I may not have even met the actual personality of that girl. I created another persona within myself of how I would filter my feelings toward this girl. If I needed someone nice; I created a persona of her that was nice and placed it over her incoming information; thus; she could be a monster but I would only see a nice girl that I always needed. Later; this will get me destroyed.
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As I wake up; Thank God; she is being allocated; ( Finally); to a position held by many others of my past; Just another abuser weirdo I met while young who tried to take advantage of me or use me or spit on me with contempt and throw me away because they were never nice people; and I was to mentally ill to associate with them in the first place; but my mental illness and desperation for love drove me to anyone that would take me.
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And in the case of one of the first friends I met when young and of this girl I write up in the upper paragraphs; This is a prime example. They were never my friends and they were never actually nice people but I was so mentally ill at the time... I was so delusional; Many of these people were unhealthy for me to be around... They were not genuine. I was intruding by being at their homes.
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My first fake best friend when really young; I was in a child fantasy bond... at the beginning of my life. It seemed like I was the only person who needed a friend. Im know thats not true but I always ventured out to other peoples houses; always.
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So the progress is going well. She is turning into a stranger who was never safe to associate with and the only reason I associated with her was my severe mental state of dissociation and PTSD. Its almost like I was running around lost and bind and dead inside with nowhere to go... I ended up around allot of creeps...
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Am I saying all of this correctly; I dont think so.
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What Im trying to say is; as my memories return; Im seeing this person as a monster; those are the real memories of this girl my nervous system was repressing. And looking back; I think it was consistent from the first day. This was a horrible person to ever find myself alone with.. or even near... This was a crude sociopathic type...
Nothing makes any sane sense that I would associate with someone of this nature unless I was completely insane... Not home.
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NOTE: The dissociative condition left me dethatched from reality. And I mean that... The actual ground level reality never entered my conscious mind But it was being recorded by my mind. I was not aware of it. But later; now; as I get a bit better; after working with the universe; I began to see what was in front of me; what was recorded as my conscious mind was dealing with all that PTSD within my head.
What I see now; was a sinister hatred toward me by this girl; a contempt for ever showing up at her house in the first place as she thought she was better than anyone like me... She played me the whole time secretly waiting for me to leave and never return... I hated spoiled people like this; and Im sure it showed.
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What Im saying here is Im starting to see this person for who they really are and Im feeling better for it. It turns out to be nothing more then the same story as the rest of them before her. My mental illness is the cause of me associating with these unsafe crude strangers... I was in a state of delusion. They did not turn out to be any help. I did not gain any relief being around them. I finally left! But I was so out of it; I maybe had no idea what was real and unreal; what was coming from my head and what was coming from reality. I had no idea... Reality didnt exist.. I was not in the outside world; I was within my own nervous system.
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So; Im getting a little closer to the truth.
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The point is Im feeling better; The fake relationship I created in my head was false; None of it was true. It was all delusional dissociative disorder... That actual person and the real memories attached to her or no good; not good; she was no good! not safe. She had no feelings for me and no soul. ANd now; looking back at her; my hidden real memories of her; I should have been out of that house within a few days; But I went under into a state of extreme mental trauma.. and I began to create a delusion all around me because I could not handle any reality. I created a delusion she was a friend of mine when she was not!
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So; I think Im getting closer to explaining what is going on.
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In reality; I never spent much time around this person or talked to her. When I did talk to her; it was all fake no depth stuff... Nothing there... All surface stuff; As my memories return to me now.
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What ever delusional qualities I tried to paste onto this person were all delusional dissociated schizophrenic act-outs. The actual person never existed this way; She was a stranger who knew nothing about the real me.. the person I was creating a new persona for.. I had to create a new persona for them so I would have the friendship person I so desperately needed; What I didnt know. I had no idea I had tripped right over reality. Later finding all actual factual memories of the person were not recorded in my head or were completely repressed. What does this mean. It means underneath the confusion of what happened with this person; why I had problems with someone; the memories surfaced that this was never the right person nor a nice person... This was just the opposite; but those memories were repressed; This was not someone interested in me; this was just someone playing games with me the few times I visited and nothing else. I could not call this person a friend; I did not see her enough for that. Its more like; I spent a few times around her; but after realizing what kind of an indifferent spoiled entitled insensitive disgusting person I was dealing with; I simply left. I had been shocked by the spoiled behavior... I wanted nothing to do with this person and never really came back. This person made me sick to my stomach.
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So; What am I trying to say. Instead of telling you about an actual person from my past in this life.. I would say; mental illness is what all of this is really about; about trying to find relief for mental illness...
Trying to desperately find some other place to live or go or be; But even that speaks of being present in the outside world; and I was not... I was never present; I was almost completely dissociated from reality. if anything I was still living like I was in the 1st grade.. I could not function at all..
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So; the girl up the street; is not even that; this is just another complete stranger that was not safe to associate.
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And if I keep this work up; Hopefully this person will go the way of the others monsters or users that I processed out successfully under Gods care.
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MUSIC; I created my first little clapping composition to perform in front of others; its a little 30 second thing; Is simple and real and can be memorized or played by reading the sheet music.. easy to perform; it would be a start..
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