July 2025
June 2025
I got this feeling. Im remembering it. I wanted to be connected in. I wanted to meet someone like myself where I was at in life; a helper. Someone that got me; understood me. I was just starting out on a journey. I had nothing and knew nothing; but I knew where I was at. I do not believe the energy that was flowing from the universe went in the right direction. I mean; I didnt take the energy in the right direction. I was suppose to only follow the energy; but I did not; I manipulated the direction for my own greedy slimy interests and ended up in the wrong hovel.
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I found myself of what felt like a witches house. I dont know tho.
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I gave my emotions out to the girl in the house; she finally seemed to respond. But I didnt like it. Something was wrong; she seemed spoiled. This; after allot of work to get her attention. I finally started winning her over only to find she was the wrong person.
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I could do nothing about her being the wrong person; that is what I discovered and it was over for me. I was defeated before I started.
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In this process of giving her interest; she jumped me several times and tried to get me to hook up with her but I rejected her overtime. Everytime. Its not that I didn't like her; I just didn't like the sudden attack; she did not prepare it properly. I did not feel safe.
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I was I to stuck up; or just inexperienced and scared or was I innocent or was she evil. I was shy and bashful. Well; OKE! I was suppose to be... She wasnt dealing with thugs or prison rapists...
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Im afraid she was evil and I could not budge.. And this was another slap in the face for me; It was 2 late; I had already fallen in love with her. second type of defeat. This told me I was in the wrong house hold.
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I realized the child in me was traveling in a protective state; a personal protective state; from my parents homes outward..
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So; I found to have had this great energy emanating from my heart soul. I ended up at this girls house because of it? Or because of me; because I really didnt give a damn...
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When she offered herself to me I declined.. I was mad at the lack of principled civilized style of which she offered herself to me. (It was all to fast and I was completely inexperienced) I didnt like it; it seemed strange and crude and almost intrusive. I wanted a nice girl; even when offering her body or her mind or her desperation to me. I wanted it rapped up save nice girl-ism. I appreciated the offer but did she apricate the suiter?
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The point is; I wanted to feel safe.. And she was supplying everything accept that. And thus; I did not budge. What came later was most horrible.
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I thought maybe I would get another chance with her if I could some how learn how to trust her and work with her a bit to soften up my hardened clay form. However, thats not what happened. And the rest is history. I was never given another offer ....
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So; the child in me was opening up to her and offering for her to take me... And in a sense she rejected me. She never took me seriously; according to my terms. This bothered me greatly and disturbed me. More n more I did not feel safe around this person and did not understand why she would not get inline with me so I I could at least feel a sense of civilized safety. But she never did. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach just being around her... I was already hooked in to her ( I thought she wanted to be friends with me; that she was my soulmate; I didnt ask her; I just observed and thats what I thought I found). But it started feeling like I was being devoured by a demon; manipulated for evil reasoning; but evil presence.
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later she started to change and the rest is history... I guess she was the wrong person!
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Here is the point;
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I realized before I met her; I had a calling; it was to meet someone to join them; for them to align with and join my inner being and take me as I am. I was like child going from one mother to another. And this girl up the street; my first love; She didnt want me! WHat ever she was doing; it was selfish; it had nothing to do with my inner being. The child in me. My authentic self; Nothing; and that began to scare me!
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I finally gave up and went home and left the area.
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So; in the past when I was young; a process began to form in my mind from the universe; I began to feel a picture of a journey I walked down; it was an honest journey of where I was really at in life; I knew nothing and wanted a helper along to help me and be friends with me sent from the universe. A girlfriend helper; someone I had something in common who was at my level; where I was at in life.. Someone sent to me; a potential wife kind of person... WHat ever that would mean.
This program from the universe occurred long before I ever met anyone: developed before I met any women to join it.
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IN THE PRESENT:
And Im at that place once again. Ive worked long and hard with my higher power and have ended up at this place. I pre developing area I was at when in High School; Im back again Before I ever met anyone. And Im truly back...
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NOTE: My First Love is fading fast...
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IN THE PRESENT:
At a meeting; today several times I talked about this state of not being accepted and loved when younger; my inner self or inner being. And how I went outward and offered myself to others and they rejected my inner real self. I was not loved by them nor was my inner child loved by them or wanted by them; truly sorrow for my existence. I did not want to live anymore. No one truly wanted me or loved me; didnt seem to matter where I went...
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Tonight;
I talked about my inner being being rejected when young and how my original family rejected me and how people I offered myself to rejected me; I was not loved by anyone and no one wanted to love me; nothing..
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NOTE: And I attracted evil... And that scared me so much; my lack of being able to make a normal safe decision for myself; I felt socially schizophrenic and just wanted to hide in a cave and die...
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The point is; The last time I ever openly offered myself to anyone or talked like this or felt like this or was aware like this was back in High School with my FIrst Love.
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And Now Im completely back talking about the same thing in the present; as if Im back again; because I am back again... its true self actualization. I Get to live those areas of my life again!
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Opening up in the meeting was like telling everyone; Hi; Im offering my inner child to the world; anyone called by God that is the right person to join me as a helper; Let the world know; Im back; back in my placement again calling forth for a helper sent by God; come forth. Im in the human relationship business again and Im looking of a helper that God is sending me...
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Its as if I was practicing opening up to the world tonight telling them Im that inner child looking for the person Im suppose to connect with; " DO you know any"!
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So; This time I prayed numerous times during the day and several times at the meeting site; I will leave the meeting and find some place to pray... and I did a few times. Went back into the meeting; shut my eyes and prayed to myself for alignment with my higher power over n over n over! That the source energy of the universe and I are aligning... OVer n over n over and visualizing it. The universe has got my back!
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SO IT BEGINS.....
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Ill be praying now again in my life for the helpers God is sending me. I am also praying this time; Not to lead anyone on that I am not suppose to be with. Im not hurting anyone ever again like I did when I was young... I just dont want to... not again! Not in the eyes of GOd... NO! I want to be right with GOd on this specific subject. I wish I felt that way about porn; But I dont; I still pray about porn. Its not that big a deal to me! Ill keep talking to God about it...
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FOOD; Overweight; Now thats a big deal!
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What Does this mean; It means my past first love is being honed down into a position of rudimentary responses... I was looking for someone to join me when young that was a helper sent to me from God... to explore the world together and help each other out on a new journey. That was my offer to the world; I did not know who would show up.. I showed up to my first loves house thinking she was it! She was the one. She was not! And that devastated me.
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But First thought Wrong! I was Wrong! And I did not understand; I was devastated. She turned out to be a complete stranger in the end... And someone who laughed at me had no interest in my inner child self. She did not love me.. She just used me for a time; THats how it felt. Manipulated me; I was ripped to pieces... Thats all this person really was; a monster wearing a mask... So I was traumatized again.. destroyed; dismayed; disappointed; stunned. I was lonely tired and defeated. I had no other direction; my personality and nervous system were completely ruined; ruptured.
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She was like a WITCH!
Im assuming I was correct... Her offer to me was like Hansel and Gretel being taken in by the witch... never to be seen again! I declined the offer...
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My FIrst Love turned out to be like the Witch of Hansel and Gretel; and thus I refused the offer to join her. Was this correct? I did not know... I did not know if it was correct or not; what way to go.
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I had no support; no family; I had no 12 step groups or anything like it; no friends. No family people I could count on... Nothing.
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Today Im back; Im back just like when young; right before Im taken to my first loves house. Im right there; right at that moment before I met my first love. But things are different now... I have recovery groups and God to talk to and guide me and recovery people; family; Im not alone! Not at all... And Im wizer then when innocent and young.
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HERES THE MAIN POINT OF THE STORY:
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My First Love is leaving. She continues to get pounced down and de throwned and pulled apart into pieces within my imagination and soul. Slowly she is fading away into the black... SLowly fading away into transparency .. Into clear thinking... soon she will be no more within my nervous system and I will be present again. I will not need her or her memory. She is not needed anymore... Her personal information will be dissolved.
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Her personality has lost any interest; or most interest. She more represents someone I offered myself to; gave an opportunity for; For that one moment; And she declined. And after witnessing her response for several weeks. A natural defensiveness and decline of the offer I stood behind occured; I declined her advances. I refused to go any further with her... I basically began to separate myself from her; I did not believe she was the one; I did not believe she really loved me or cared about my soul or anything else dealing with the spirit. I did not believe she cared if we were friends. my friendship meant nothing to her; My friendship meant nothing to her and she didnt love me.
Ill never know what she really wanted; and I guess it never really mattered...
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I felt like I had walked into a wall of manipulation... Unfortunately it seems I was more then correct...
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IN THE PRESENT;
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The goal was to have my First Love removed from me; removed by the universe; and that's what is appearing... She is leaving by way of the insights of the universe; thus the universe continues to bring insight within my mind; between my eyes and the center of my brain; dropping down new thoughts over n over n over on how to proceed that I may start a new life before I ever met my First Love. From a perspective of starting over; This time God will pick my first love and then I will follow and I will follow cautiously...
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I am getting closer...
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NOTE: IVe been married to myself; to my fear and my past; Ive been married to the false memories created of my first love within my head; she is like a ghost within me that has been my twin double; always there when I needed someone. However,. this is no way to live. And thus; she is being taken out of me; one step at a time by the universe; for the universe is helping me. And in its place is the original me being restored.
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And now; Im back; Im now asking God for a helper to arrive for my original journey; I'm starting over from nothing; I never did go anywhere the first time; I went into a state of traumatic shock and never came out...
This time Ill work with God on all of this. And if mishaps occur; Ill take them to my groups and talk them out; get advice and start over with my alignment with GOd.
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MUSIC:
I need a new keyboard and I dont know what that is?
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