July 2025
June 2025
Mad that I didnt get another chance with my First Love; Im the one that loved her; if had another chance with her; I would have been the one that originally loved her. Im mad for being duped... The whole thing was a calculated antisocial aggressive thrill kill.. Im the one who was murdered. It was all a set up from the beginning.
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Im feeling it right now; as I slowly work through the trauma of the past..
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I've discovered I was thrown away callously; inhumanly; I was supposed to suddenly act like I had never met her... I never thought that would ever happen. As I look back; I was being emotionally raped; played or set up from the beginning. Fair enough. I mean; I get it; OKE. Im dealing with a antisocial disorderd pathology. No problem; but it still sucks and hurts because they vanish within a second. I was led on and played; its a form of aggression and and a kind of violent aggression... dominating; These concepts are a sadistic attack. The problem is; from the start; I was pulled in and seduced; led on. I never knew anything was wrong; nothing! and I was being led into a trap; and thats all it was; nothing more.. I was being used and manipulated and thats all; and its hard to see and hard to take; the truth about it; all of it from the beginning... I was just played by someone. Im mad that I could not see this; because it was just someone playing me like a cat chasing a string... or continuously changing up the reality so I dont know what is going on or who Im dealing with.
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Delusion; As I continue to work on this subject; Its my delusion that has caused the problem. I could not face the inevitable that I was used completely the whole time and thats all it was; then dumped and thrown away... there never was any human being to have a relationship with.. nothing but a callas antisocial disordered monster. This is important information because this was no relationship...
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The hardest thing has been; I had no developed life underneath this realty... meaning; all I had was this new fake relationship; And nothing developed underneath. Thus; when I realized there was no relationship here. I had an immediate break down. I had nothing underneath it. no development into another life; thus; no way to face what never really existed between me and this other person. She faked the whole thing; And this wasnt even a person; it was a callas criminal unsafe minded dangerous deranged psychophant; Im trying to come up with the right words. It was actually extremely stupid of me to ever have gotten involved with someone I knew nothing about in a city I knew nothing about in a family system I knew nothing about and a neighborhood I knew nothing about.
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The biggest problem dealing with this subject is the denile. Im a little better about it now because I have some new stability under my feet.
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Im looking forward to when I can look at this as a situation of morbid criminology that really has no weight or value to it because its its a sociopath Im dealing with. I thought this person needed me. I had mistaken a dead personality for a broken one. This was never a person and this never-person did not need any help from me; it was all an act; because their was nothing wrong with her.. She was a criminally minded sociopath. WHat does that mean; it means she will hire others to cause harm to me silently under the table if anything goes wrong with her plans... She does not love anything nor need to... Her monsterous personality does not require feelings.. Or did. Past tense. IVe seen other thud sociopaths before and unfortunately dealt with 2 many of them... How I did not discover her as one; until it was 2 late; Ill never know. The universe is just now allowing things to open up in my head that I can see what is really going on.
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I just wished I had known the signs; I mean their were millions of them covering the area she lived in; and I didnt see anything because my head was in the clouds. Unbelievable. Anyway; its just a matter of time before I make it over this last mountain top and say goodbye to this girl of the past... Good ridd'ns.. God has helped me so very much...!
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The Scariest thing; I was looking for love; So; I was around her to receive love; receive love from a sociopath; psychopathy... Sadistic no empathy. No recovery from this for this person. This was a dangerous dangerous person... and to wake up and see what was happening is just terrible. I was giving myself away to a psychopath... over n over; its like leaving a tent with massive food; open in the midnight forest; and a bear shows up and what does it finally do; it eats all the occupants in the tent. In my case; I was openningly inviting the bear in and sooner or later I got eaten over n over n over until finally I was completely finished off and never understood what had happened.
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Im slowly getting better.. SLOWLY! Very small increments.
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However, Im getting closer to breaking through. Getting to a point of looking at this as horrified that I did this. I would take my inner self and lay it out before a sadistic murder'r with no remorse.. I have to come to grips with this; and that's happening; and I have to see this monster for what they really are... And for some reason; I was in a completely traumad out fantasy insanity; I mean; Not here; It was like I was looking for that special friend that would love me and I connect with them and love them... But this was an antisocial monster; nothing more... I was destroyed... there were no redeeming qualities; nothing... I mean; this was a brute like calas monster; a female torture... I mean. WHat was I doing up there. I was Looking for love; it was like I was an 8 year old looking for my life because it had been pulled out from underneath me and I was looking for anyone to authentically love me. I was looking for my parents... I was looking for safety...
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So; God has taken the place of love. THe love from God and connection with God and this occured from years and years in recovery groups. I guess God decided Im capable now; of dealing with this horrible situation. Horrible is what it is; Im looking forward to getting my identity back and getting on my feet again; and hopefully never remembering this person ever again. Cant wait; but not yet; Im still co dependent on that person even tho theyve been gone for most of my life. And Now; with recovery; they are actually someone I want gone for good... very quickly please God!
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I am very lucky; mean; if I keep going and work through this; Ill simply see it from a non emotional view point of no substantial purpose or significance. Ill be able to see it clinically from an informational point of view and analyze it from a rational non personal point of view...
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I have a connection to God and as I ask God to strengthen that; I dont need wierdos from the past anymore in my life... I dont need wierdos bothering me from the past.
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I have recovery support all over the place. People and and meetings and recovery process and a higher power.
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I have several real hobbies and callings...
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So; Much work ahead.
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MUSIC: I just need to meander over to the equipment and start creating beats n stuff..
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IT will be great when the areas deep within me that thought I should believe this liar as she conned me so maliciously; when God sweeps this dust away into the wind... And Im fee of it.. Will be so nice..!
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