July 2025
June 2025
This might be getting close to the end of this Phase Series; but I dont think so...
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I opened up at a deeper level at the noon meeting today; I shared some deeper real expressions. Something more relatable. I mentioned Ive been gone to outer space now for a while.
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Im starting to come back... back to earth to give it try. This time Im a bit more prepared; thats why God has brought me back... So...
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In a sense Im like the newcomers to the meetings... Im aware enough to start on new things because its the first time Ive started on those things in reality.
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Past relationships; A short History.
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I wanted to escape the house I lived in. I had no one that loved me... So after watching TV shows when young; I wanted what I saw on TV shows; I saw many kids shows with kids my age who had best friends or a friend; So; I tried to make friends. I would ask kids at school if they wanted to be friends. Unfortunately they did. Its unfortunate because they didnt really... and when I showed up at their houses they were offended... The beginning of dealing with 2 faced evil!
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They didnt need me.. And they were from another culture. They were all about money or something I guess. I mean; I was not someone they were looking forward to seeing. I just wanted a friend; that was my first attraction to them... But I was wrong to ever visit them or know them; Dead wrong; they did not need me. And if had a choice; Im the last person they wanted to be friends with; they wouldnt have a clue who I was or what I was about; but they wouldnt need to; they had everything they needed; they didnt need me or to be friends with me; I mean; their parents had money and they lived that kind of wealthy kids life; I guess... I mean; If I knocked on the door; they were in the back swimming in their pool with other pool party kids.. Not with somebody like me!~ THey were of a different culture; background... In a Caste system like India; In America its worse; I would have been at the lower levels of the Caste system; They would have started at the middle moving up to the top. They wanted nothing to do with me; They never thought they would ever meet someone like me and they never planned on meeting someone like me.
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THese were the last people on earth I should have ever visited; spoiled 2 faced rich kids ( solid middle class kids?); THey only hung out with other rich middle class kids. I never meant to meet them because of what their parents did for a living; its just that I ended up meeting some people and they happened to be in this economic bracket; As a small child and later a young teen; it mattered not to me. I was just looking for friends. I had no idea I was in the wrong neighborhood. Neighborhoods that would never accept me.
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I think they just wanted me to leave and never come back; They were annoyed with me. I never got it; I never got the message; I was 2 innocent at first to understand what they meant or what was going on...
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Im not holding anything against these people; Im just saying they were and are and will for ever be strangers who never wanted me in their lives in the first place ( perfect strangers)and never wanted to meet me in the first place and never needed to meet me in the first place; Non of them needed me. They did not need to be friends with me. They had their other popular friends with swimming pools in the backyard; why would they need to meet me; They didnt ever in this life...
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THE RESULT OF TRYING TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE WRONG PEOPLE:
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THey were nice at first ( shallow but polite); but I was un wanted; Not wanted. And I mean; that is the end of that; it didnt matter how many times I showed up at the door; they were always polite strangers. And will be for ever. I didnt realize they thought they were superior to me or I was some kind of dislocated freak to them; real low life trash to them. I just never got it until it was way to late. My pressed association with these people would go on for months n months and sometimes years. I would show up at their houses; they never came to mine; ever! I never got the hint.
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Because I tried to show up around these people; I began to think I was being accepted by them; Not so! I was never even acknowledged; and I didnt seem to know this. The horrible conclusion will be; I will be let go... They never acknowledged me more then as polite strangers who allowed me around them for a few moments here n their at a time. I took it as; " THis is my best friend; greater then a brother. Or; this is my girl; shes my best friend and she likes me and Im going to marry her..."
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In reality; Those people were untouchable for me... They were way to high up on the social status ladder; they were never what I thought they were... They were untouchable for me.. THey were not my friends... I mean; I was dream'n to think so! I got devastated when I got let go. I was no longer wanted on their premises... I was devastated; because it meant I had been an unwanted stranger the whole time; thats all it was... They were never my friends. In fact; they never wanted me in the first place.
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So; all social plans I thought would occur; never happened. Instead I was let go; and back to loneliness... All my plans fell through... I was in some kind of a delusional dream world and thrown out. I was politely asked never to return..
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HIGHER POWER:
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So; My higher power never wanted me going in the direction of those 2 faced fake people; those fake friends I made in school. Not all people I knew in school were fake; but some of the important ones I gave credit to; I made a big mistake. I was willing to see their value; they were not willing to see mine... THey didnt need to... They didnt have to... THey were perfect strangers who were suppose to be perfect strangers. Technically GOd would have never allowed anyone like those fraud's to associate with me. Even that is not my business; if they are frauds or not!
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IMAGINED IF I HAD DONE IT DIFFERENTLY!
So; a real journey with a higher power when very very young meant not going to these well-to-do kids homes ever again; any of them.. It meant going in a different direction... it meant doing well in school. It meant working with a higher power on my future goals; turning to God; not these fake friends...
So; things would have been harder. I would have never met those people I mentioned above...
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I would have worked with God I probably would have been working hard at class work and goals in school and been at church allot. I would have learned to trust and work with a higher power on the things I wanted... and learned how to manifest them.
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Who knows; maybe I would have seen some of those rich kids at events; they would have been strangers tho; people I would have never met... Maybe in passing we would have said hello to each other but nothing more; because I would have never known them; and been building my life one brick at a time; not spending my life at their homes losing out one day at a time..
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I assumed I would have had a father looking out for me when young; I did not; I was alone and lost. However, now; I can ask the universe for the same guiding hand; whatever that may be for the same outcome of direction.
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FOR TODAY:
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The reason Im writing all this is because Ive worked through all of this past stuff and Im getting another chance to start over; To go from the codependent throw away I was when very young to that new kid; The austere kid on a more lonely track; working for what he wants; working through a higher power; learning how to manifest what he wants... working at it until results show up because they have to; so I have to work at it hard... Id be at churches and other places my higher powers energies would send me. Im not talking about Popular CHurchy! Im talking about Austere places of quite.
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Im trying to describe my future...
I have talent interests; And Ill be learning how to develop those skills so I can play live. Im in my new world; Ill be learning skills to get what I want... skills will be developed to succeed at something... Its all a sand box!
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Ill be on my hands and knees praying all the time and meditation for manifestation of my new stories of my new life; all the time. Ill be a working dreaming manifestation station through God to get what I want...
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A NEW START: A NEW LIFE!
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So; technically now; or maybe in a little while Ill be starting. Im already starting actually; right now!
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The people of the past are technically understood and gone. And thus I start over with my higher power for the relationships and activities and resources I want! And Ill just have to get damn good at them manifesting them...
ILL HAVE TO GET DAMN GOOD AT THEM! ANd their it is! I mean. Ill have to work at things and get good at them to produce something... to work through my higher power.
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Everything is working out just as I had hoped!
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Its hard. Ive done allot of work so far; Lonely work with God...
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All that Im talking about here has been planned for awhile; I did not know how it could be done; but God is the one doing it... Im just on my knees praying all the time. So many walls were broken through...
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So; Now; My new life starts with the acceptance that the past people and places and things are gone; those specific things Ive been working on for the past several years... Those specifics I believe have been sifted through enough to show their true meanings and I have an acceptable understanding of what happened in my past and why; and thus I and my inner child are willing to move on now! We join God in the struggle for a new life frontier...
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Today's world is about working with meditation and guided meditations; having desires; writing out the desires as if I already have them and writing new stories for my life as if I already have them... And to keep at it until what I want shows up and until the universe changes me into the kind of person that is at the same frequency of what I want!
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I deal with mental illness so touching things and getting involved in things are hard. So; it takes practice.. and Ill be learning how to practice to get good at things.
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Today; I must learn to follow Gods energy pathway to my destination. When young I did not do this. I felt the energy but went in the wrong direction; I made mistakes like this; I did not know I had made those mistakes until it was 2 late... An energy path was created; and I thought I was going down it. but it was not sanctioned by God; Gods energy path was going in the opposite direction.
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So; when Im aligned correctly with my higher power source energy Jesus; that is the time to see and pray for the pathway to open up underneath me and go in its direction. Make sure I go in my pathways direction. Align with my inner being and my-self my inner child; the holy spiritus; Jesus Universal... get the whole thing aligned first... And watch the manifestation show up; If I work for them. Meditation is all so important and its always hard to do that everyday.
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I have to believe first before I see it.. Ill have to do with work to get there...
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A Big problem I have; No recovery on this subject yet; FOOD; And getting Fat. At some point; I have to address this!
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